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Radical Basement Dweller
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Radical Basement Dweller
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Do you believe in life after death, the boss asked one of his newest employees.

Yes sir, the new employee replied.

Well then, that makes everything just fine, the boss went on.

Because after you left early yesterday afternoon to attend your grandmother's funeral...she stopped in to see you.
 

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John the Builder
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16,993 Posts
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
 

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Radical Basement Dweller
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17,710 Posts
The Kindness of the Irish

The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man.
Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from
Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following
painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by
our catering service.

I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board,
and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for
this mistake and inconvenience."

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else
can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our
10-hour flight.

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we
still, have 40 dinners available."
 

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Registered
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Two Carpenters

A classic -

Two carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down the timber would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”

The first explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed towards me, I throw it away ‘cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!”

The second carpenter got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”
 

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John the Builder
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16,993 Posts
Well, rumor has it there are blonde carpenters out there... :whistling :laughing:
And for damned sure, there are some blind carpenters - judging by the work I see,
 
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Radical Basement Dweller
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17,710 Posts
THE DUCK AND THE LAWYER

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural South DAKOTA. He shot a bird, but it fell into farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here"

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in South DAKOTA. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Don’t you just love old people!!!
 

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What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?


One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. :laughing:
 
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