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Tool Usage Explained

 
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Old 05-18-2015, 02:15 PM   #1
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Tool Usage Explained


A buddy of mine, a pencil-pushing type, emailed me this list of the uses of tools. I'd say he knows what he's talking about:

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh $#!t'. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Channel Locks:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.

SON OF A B!&*H TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b!&*h' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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Old 05-18-2015, 02:22 PM   #2
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Re: Tool Usage Explained


UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.


I know this too well. In the last 3 years I have made 2 trips to the ER to get sown up. A finger and calf.
Most times the lunch napkin and electrical tape stops the bleeding.
My shop teacher said (30 years ago) the most dangerous tool a carpenter will use is the utility knife. Thats the truth!

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Old 05-18-2015, 02:29 PM   #3
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Re: Tool Usage Explained


+1 on the knife. I ruined a good pair of pants this winter with one. Through the Jean, both sides of the pocket, long Johns, boxers and into the leg. A hair harder and she would've been stiched

And that's a pretty funny list.
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Old 05-18-2015, 02:46 PM   #4
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Re: Tool Usage Explained


The belt sander. Ugh. Every time I use mine I have this little back and forth with myself about whether I should just throw it away to save me from myself.

"I'll just hit this with the belt sander real quick to level it out.... aaaaaaand... oh, there's a giant gauge where there used to be a barely noticeable high spot. Cool."
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Old 05-18-2015, 03:15 PM   #5
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Re: Tool Usage Explained


Quote:
Originally Posted by Easy Gibson View Post
The belt sander. Ugh. Every time I use mine I have this little back and forth with myself about whether I should just throw it away to save me from myself.

"I'll just hit this with the belt sander real quick to level it out.... aaaaaaand... oh, there's a giant gauge where there used to be a barely noticeable high spot. Cool."
I don't know. Hard to beat a good belt sander race!!
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Old 05-18-2015, 04:50 PM   #6
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Re: Tool Usage Explained


HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.

Yeah that sounds about right...
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Old 05-18-2015, 07:25 PM   #7
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Re: Tool Usage Explained


HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.



I agree, years ago I had to hammer something in a very small closet, I go to swing the hammer it bounces off the opposite wall like a trampoline and I hit my thumb. I thought I broke it because it hurt so freakin bad. Took about 2 weeks before I could use my thumb.
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Old 05-18-2015, 07:42 PM   #8
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Re: Tool Usage Explained


GOLF BALLS. 1) Effectively returning daisy rider BB's to your forehead as fast as you shot it out the barrel. 2) can also be used for a sport on pretty green grass (says my helper as a kid)

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