The Official CT Joke Duel Page - Page 96 - Off Topic (Non Trade) - Contractor Talk

The Official CT Joke Duel Page

 
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Old 12-12-2015, 08:27 PM   #1901
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.

Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

‘Bi’ Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’

Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’


‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’
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Old 12-13-2015, 01:53 AM   #1902
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The Cowboy

A Montana cowboy, a Native American and a Muslim are waiting for their plane in a small Montana airport.

The Montana cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.


The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.

The American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks. "At onetime here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl :

"That's cause we ain't played Cowboys & Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin".
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Old 12-13-2015, 01:56 AM   #1903
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


That was just......politically incorrect...and funny as hell.
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Old 12-13-2015, 11:48 PM   #1904
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


FATHER BUYS A LIE DETECTOR ROBOT, THAT SLAPS PEOPLE WHEN THEY LIE.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching ****."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what **** was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.
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Old 12-17-2015, 03:15 PM   #1905
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A 60 yr old man asked a Genie for a wish, he said I want a woman 30 years younger
so Puff! the Genie replied and said your 90 years old!
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Old 12-17-2015, 03:32 PM   #1906
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


How To Shower Like a Woman
-----------------------------------------

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with added botanicals.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner .

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 3 minutes until glowy pink.

Wash entire rest of body with gingerbread sugar scrub.

Rinse conditioner out of hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.




How To Shower Like a Man
----------------------------
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.
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Old 12-19-2015, 05:55 PM   #1907
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Decoration.
Attached Thumbnails
The Official CT joke duel page-electric-outlet.jpg  
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Old 12-20-2015, 10:52 AM   #1908
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page



Thus I made coffee today.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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Old 12-20-2015, 08:35 PM   #1909
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Dear Santa,

For Christmas this year I want a slim body and a fat bank account -- and please don't get it mixed up again like you did last year!
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Old 12-25-2015, 07:45 AM   #1910
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Old 12-31-2015, 02:52 PM   #1911
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Dick Cheney has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. “I don’t know what to do here, ” says the devil. ” You are on my list. . . but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you, I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves. Dick thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the door to the first room: in it was Richard Nixon in a large pool of water with gold coins at the bottom. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. – Such was his fate in hell. “No!” Cheney said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and don’t think I could do that all day long.” The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. “No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all could do was break rocks all day!” commented Cheney. The devil opened a third door. In the room Cheney saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Dick Cheney looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The devil smiled and said, “OK, Monica, you’re free to go!”
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Old 01-02-2016, 02:35 PM   #1912
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Wife wanted underwear from Victoria's Secret for Christmas, So I ordered some online, which put me on Victoria's Secret mailing list.
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Old 01-02-2016, 03:00 PM   #1913
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The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where
it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass
and just cover your own !!!
You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
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Old 01-02-2016, 03:32 PM   #1914
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by skyhook View Post
Wife wanted underwear from Victoria's Secret for Christmas, So I ordered some online, which put me on Victoria's Secret mailing list.
For the next occasion, order something from Frederick's. Then the next time, order her something from Venus.

It'll give you something to look forward to every day when you check your email.
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Old 01-05-2016, 08:10 PM   #1915
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Two Norwegians are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"

"Aww, sh!t!" says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"
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Old 01-06-2016, 05:44 PM   #1916
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merry christmas to you too lol!
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Old 01-06-2016, 06:24 PM   #1917
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The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has
been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for all European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of negotiations, Her Majesty Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year
phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil
servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased
with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one
less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have
always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgraful, and they would go.

By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by
"z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from
vords kontaining"ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls
or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Zen ze drem
vil finali kum tru. Zeig Heil.
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Old 01-08-2016, 12:36 PM   #1918
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A repeat probably...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.


As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about , 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.


Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.


While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.



Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.



As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.



'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.


He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
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Old 01-08-2016, 07:46 PM   #1919
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule states, "Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."

9. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

10. The things that come to those who wait may be the things over left by those
who got there first.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and
he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

12. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

13. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of
twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Old 01-10-2016, 08:39 AM   #1920
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The Official CT joke duel page-imageuploadedbycontractortalk1452433174.086586.jpg

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