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The Official CT Joke Duel Page

 
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Old 10-06-2015, 06:46 AM   #1861
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls".
We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts", or with "Balls".
Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the "Guts" to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the "Balls" to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion.


Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal!!
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Old 10-08-2015, 08:02 PM   #1862
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Whats the difference between an elephant and a Maine grandmother?

About 7 pounds
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Old 10-08-2015, 08:07 PM   #1863
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The one I know is what's the difference between an Italian widow and an elephant...7 pounds and a black dress. I usually keep that one to myself along with "how do you break up an italian wedding?" "Yell 'Concrete's here'."
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Old 10-08-2015, 08:19 PM   #1864
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


What do you do if you are stuck inside and elephant....run around until you get pooped out.
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Old 10-08-2015, 08:28 PM   #1865
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


...
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Old 10-08-2015, 08:28 PM   #1866
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Why do elephants paint their toenails pink?
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Old 10-08-2015, 08:29 PM   #1867
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So they can hide in jelly bean jars.
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Old 10-08-2015, 08:30 PM   #1868
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Ever seen one?












Must work then.
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Old 10-09-2015, 10:13 PM   #1869
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC
when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket
and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the
eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage, and hits
the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting
go of the girl; and, the biker brings her to her terrified
parents who thank him endlessly.
A reporter had watched the entire event.

The reporter said to the Harley rider, 'Sir, this was the
most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do
in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really,
the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in
danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go
unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's
paper will have this story on the front page. So, tell me,
what do you do for a living and what political
affiliations do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper out of
curiosity to see if it, indeed, brings news of his actions,
and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

And that pretty much sums up the media's
approach to the news these days.
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Old 10-16-2015, 12:23 PM   #1870
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


agree!
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Old 10-26-2015, 07:54 AM   #1871
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the definition of "OLD"
~ ~ ~
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied,
'No peer pressure.'
~ ~ ~
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my Florida driver's license.
~ ~ ~
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
Told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'
~ ~ ~
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
~ ~ ~
It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.
~ ~ ~
These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
~ ~ ~
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
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Old 10-26-2015, 08:33 AM   #1872
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2020


Ozone created by electric cars responsible for Global Cooling.

White minorities trying to have English recognized as California's
third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally... scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,
but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all tobacco smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail
delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

California Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil
rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nailclippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters
and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to
campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 85 percent.

Florida enjoys 3 week break from hurricanes.
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Old 10-26-2015, 08:57 PM   #1873
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
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Old 10-29-2015, 10:14 AM   #1874
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


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Old 11-02-2015, 01:22 AM   #1875
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


I'm sure we've all seen this.


Don't forget to Donate your Rewards Points to Hope by Nov. 14th!!!
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Old 11-02-2015, 07:58 AM   #1876
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Frank Castle View Post
I'm sure we've all seen this.


Don't forget to Donate your Rewards Points to Hope by Nov. 14th!!!
Remind me, where can we do that?
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Old 11-02-2015, 08:05 AM   #1877
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Lesser-Known Dog Breeds

For all you dog lovers out there, here are some of the lessor known
breeds that are being bred in different parts of the United States,

Cross breed Dogs:

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog
fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the
choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for
financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't
matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + ****zu = Bull****z, a gregarious but unreliable breed
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Old 11-02-2015, 08:39 AM   #1878
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by RangoWA View Post
Lesser-Known Dog Breeds

For all you dog lovers out there, here are some of the lessor known
breeds that are being bred in different parts of the United States,

Cross breed Dogs:

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog
fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the
choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for
financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't
matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + ****zu = Bull****z, a gregarious but unreliable breed
The newest addition to our family, picked up at the SPCA last December is a shi tzinhouser.

No matter what we try can't get him completely house broken.
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Old 11-02-2015, 05:30 PM   #1879
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sounds scary!
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Old 11-04-2015, 12:32 AM   #1880
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The previous 3 are ....
So why not???
Hint:Illinois
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