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The Official CT Joke Duel Page

 
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Old 07-10-2015, 07:21 PM   #1821
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Cheers to b?b?bbbbbbeeeeers?
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Old 07-11-2015, 03:49 AM   #1822
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."
Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."
Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."
Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."
The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."
Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.
As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."
The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
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Old 07-11-2015, 03:37 PM   #1823
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Keep them coming Bruno. Classic's
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Old 07-11-2015, 08:13 PM   #1824
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An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'



Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'



Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he d idn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ? '



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'





Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool … After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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Old 07-11-2015, 11:43 PM   #1825
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.
They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!
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Old 07-11-2015, 11:44 PM   #1826
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth... back and forth... in and out....
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed...
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder...
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "Okay, Okay! I can’t park the fukking car!!! You do it, you bastard!!!"
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Old 07-11-2015, 11:48 PM   #1827
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The Official CT joke duel page-11054821_868657679837755_5425896556272691088_n.jpg
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Old 07-12-2015, 12:03 AM   #1828
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Took me 4 times.....
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Old 07-12-2015, 05:49 AM   #1829
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Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."
Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong.
Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep.
He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid.
The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of SHT."
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Old 07-12-2015, 07:19 AM   #1830
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Old 07-13-2015, 05:27 PM   #1831
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. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

キ Old age is coming at a really bad time!

. When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

キ The biggest lie I tell myself is .... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

キ Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

キ I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights. I'm just very wise.

キ My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

キ Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

キ If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would致e put them on my knees.

キ The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes.

キ I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

キ When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

キ I've lost my mind and I知 pretty sure my kids took it!

キ Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

キ Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

キ Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

キ Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

キ Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

キ At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
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Old 07-17-2015, 09:56 AM   #1832
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fukk her again."
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Old 07-18-2015, 12:01 AM   #1833
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A young female teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz "behind my back I've got something red, round and you can eat it. what is it?" she asked.
"An apple" replied little Raymond "no," said the teacher " it's a tomato but it shows what you are thinking."
"I've now got something round, a greenish colored you can eat it."
"An apple," replied little Ian "No it's an onion, but it shows what you are thinking."
Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says "I've got something under my desk that's an inch long, white and it has a red end."
"Dirty little boy," said the teacher.
"No it's a match, but it shows what you are thinking," he answered.
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Old 07-18-2015, 04:38 AM   #1834
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A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded,
"Have you been fooling around on me?"
His wife confessed, "Not this time."
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Old 07-18-2015, 05:50 AM   #1835
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The Official CT joke duel page-11665585_939656836104193_8061147726984741482_n.jpg
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Old 08-04-2015, 07:23 PM   #1836
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


I'm not a political person, but I thought these were pretty funny

https://youtu.be/yVYtIdUcYqY
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Old 08-05-2015, 07:14 AM   #1837
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* DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical
stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

* WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh!#..."

* SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

* PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

* BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major refinishing jobs.

* HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

* VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

* WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

* OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your
shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to
remove a bearing race. (And when you can't get that rounded bolt off with the Vice Grips just
use the Blue Wrench!)

* TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing
wall integrity.

* E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps
neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

* BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum
sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line
instead of the outside edge.

* TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
to disconnect.

* CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately
machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

* PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip
out Phillips screw heads.

* STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws.

* PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in
order to replace a 50 cent part.

* HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

* HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining
rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
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Old 08-17-2015, 08:46 PM   #1838
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Old 08-18-2015, 10:48 AM   #1839
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule states, "Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."

9. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

10. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those
who got there first.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and
he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

12. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

13. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of
twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Old 08-19-2015, 04:10 PM   #1840
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed o
ut the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fukking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your fukking BADGE!!"

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