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The Official CT Joke Duel Page

 
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Old 06-19-2015, 03:11 PM   #1801
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The Official CT joke duel page-30jju69.jpg
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Old 06-19-2015, 11:25 PM   #1802
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Old 06-21-2015, 07:09 PM   #1803
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A man was in a terrible accident, and his manhood was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldnt cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said costs would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, $14,000 for large.
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
Well, what have the two of you decided? asked the doctor.
The man answered, Shed rather remodel the kitchen.
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Old 06-27-2015, 01:51 AM   #1804
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The Official CT joke duel page-4.jpg

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The Official CT joke duel page-lhidbqm.jpg

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The Official CT joke duel page-null_zpsae72f2a1.jpg
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Old 06-27-2015, 10:21 AM   #1805
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The Official CT joke duel page-imageuploadedbycontractortalk1435418447.347356.jpg
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Old 06-27-2015, 11:50 AM   #1806
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


ugh
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Old 06-28-2015, 06:43 AM   #1807
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


....
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Old 06-28-2015, 07:31 AM   #1808
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


You might be a redneck if...


1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has
more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke
at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still
have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league"
bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired
people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their
restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after
saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.


9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a
ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
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Old 06-28-2015, 07:36 AM   #1809
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her.

As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his
steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again.

Don't women just love shopping for shoes ?
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Old 07-08-2015, 03:02 PM   #1810
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
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Old 07-08-2015, 06:28 PM   #1811
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by skyhook View Post
Nailed it. 2 at a time.
That's what I call a "Double Header"!

I've done that one myself, & hence coined the term.
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Old 07-09-2015, 10:00 AM   #1812
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A man and a woman, who have never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 a.m., he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.
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Old 07-09-2015, 12:41 PM   #1813
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Their are many of people that need a couple dosesThe Official CT joke duel page-11059548_929976937041565_5105673665032455026_n.jpg
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Old 07-09-2015, 12:53 PM   #1814
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A guy was listening to his kid say his nightly prayers.
The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma."
The next day the grandma dies.
The guy thinks this is really weird.
That night, the kid says "Good- night mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa"
The next day the grandpa dies.
The father thinks this is really weird.
That night the kid says, "Goodnight mommy, and goodbye daddy."
The father freaks. He's thinking I'm gonna die.
So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work.
At the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair.
He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day."
She says "YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!"
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Old 07-09-2015, 12:57 PM   #1815
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM:
"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"
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Old 07-09-2015, 01:59 PM   #1816
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


"A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large.
She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.
The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit...
He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
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Old 07-09-2015, 02:13 PM   #1817
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a wanker then!"
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Old 07-09-2015, 04:17 PM   #1818
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A woman goes to her doctor's office,to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh.
They won't wash off,they won't scrape off,and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem,and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
A few days later,the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says,"You're perfectly healthy-there's no problem. But I'm wondering was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?"
The woman stammers,"Why,yes,but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings ain't real gold"
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Old 07-09-2015, 09:43 PM   #1819
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


I saw a chameleon the other day.


He must've been a real crappy one.
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Old 07-10-2015, 06:22 PM   #1820
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Friday - Cheers
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