The Official CT Joke Duel Page - Page 90 - Off Topic (Non Trade) - Contractor Talk

The Official CT Joke Duel Page

 
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Old 05-25-2015, 03:09 PM   #1781
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Anyone ever hear the :

PIZZA JOKE ????
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
VV
V

NEVERMIND IT'S TOO CHEESEY
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Old 05-26-2015, 10:55 AM   #1782
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years,

but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.



The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.
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Old 05-26-2015, 11:34 AM   #1783
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


True story!


When I was younger A G/C walked on the job and was watching me work .. When I ran past him he grabbed me by the arm and asked ''Son! Where did you learn to finish drywall that fast?'' I just pointed at my Dad and said That guy!! Because When I first started out all he would let me work on were closets ! And I'm Claustrophobic !
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Old 05-27-2015, 11:52 PM   #1784
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My youngest Son wanted to know about his step mom, so I told him,

She was a Marine pilot in Operation Iraqi Freedom. When her plane got hit, she had to bail out over enemy territory.
All she had was a pint of whiskey, a pistol, and an Oregon Posse-supplied survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 insurgents.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last insurgent with her bare hands.

The moral of this horrible story.?
"Stay away from your step mom when she's been drinking".
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Old 06-01-2015, 06:29 AM   #1785
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet.
Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out.

After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.

As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.

We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.

Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this).

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."
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Old 06-07-2015, 11:18 PM   #1786
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Nailed it. 2 at a time.
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Old 06-08-2015, 08:05 PM   #1787
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Dumb Newspaper headlines

1.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
2.Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use
3.Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
4.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
5.Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says
6.Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
7.Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
8.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9.Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
10.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
11.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
12.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
13.Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy
14.Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
15.Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16.Actual Headline: Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
17.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
18.If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
20.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
21.Teenage girls often have babies fathered by men
22.Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
23.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
24.Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
25.Infertility unlikely to be passed on
26.Work after Death
27.Child's death ruins couple's holiday
28.Milk drinkers are turning to powder
29.Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
30.Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
31.Lack of brains hinders research
32.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
33.Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
34.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
35.Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
36.Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
37.How to combat that feeling of helplessness with illegal drugs
38.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
39.Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
40.Here's How You Can Lick Doberman's Leg Sores
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Old 06-11-2015, 05:35 AM   #1788
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


...
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Old 06-12-2015, 12:24 PM   #1789
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The Official CT joke duel page-94.jpg
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Old 06-12-2015, 02:48 PM   #1790
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her
paintings that were on display.

"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heaviest Element Discovered

A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science -Governmentium.

It has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons that are further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like sub-particles called peons.

Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be detected, however, since it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can take a reaction that normally occurs in seconds and slow it to the point where it takes days.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years. It doesn't decay but "reorganizes," a process where assistant deputy neutrons and deputy neutrons change places. This process actually causes it to grow as in the confusion some morons become neutrons, thereby forming isodopes.

This phenomenon of "moron promotion" has led to some speculation that Governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet in concentration, forming critical morass.

Researchers believe that in Governmentium, the more you reorganize, the morass you cover.
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Old 06-12-2015, 02:59 PM   #1791
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


That second one would be funny if it weren't so true.
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Old 06-12-2015, 03:08 PM   #1792
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by Leo G View Post
That second one would be funny if it weren't so true.
Yeah, I know. Hits too close to home.
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Old 06-12-2015, 11:27 PM   #1793
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Girls night out
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Old 06-14-2015, 10:15 AM   #1794
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The Official CT joke duel page-67201503084.jpg

The Official CT joke duel page-o8foxuo.png
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Old 06-18-2015, 03:07 PM   #1795
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The Official CT joke duel page-wxqqieb.jpg

The Official CT joke duel page-resistance-futile.jpg
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Old 06-18-2015, 03:10 PM   #1796
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The Official CT joke duel page-kim-kayne.jpg
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Old 06-18-2015, 03:53 PM   #1797
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by brunothedog View Post
Is that nut glowing red hot
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Old 06-18-2015, 06:05 PM   #1798
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Water chestnuts.... Why do they load these up in my Chinese vegetables. They are flavorless.
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Old 06-18-2015, 06:13 PM   #1799
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Texture...Apparently Asians are big on texture. Like that bubble tea, and tripe etc...
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Old 06-18-2015, 09:30 PM   #1800
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Quote:
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Water chestnuts.... Why do they load these up in my Chinese vegetables. They are flavorless.
They are the best part!

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