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The Official CT Joke Duel Page

 
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Old 03-05-2015, 07:30 PM   #1741
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I was barely sitting down in the restroom when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'

And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just taking care of business.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.'
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Old 03-05-2015, 07:37 PM   #1742
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Sarah, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the
town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's
business. Several local residents were unappreciative of
her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their
silence.

However, she made a mistake when she recently accused
George, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his
pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one
afternoon.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and
just walked away without saying a word. Later that evening,
he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there
all night.
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Old 03-05-2015, 09:06 PM   #1743
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by RangoWA View Post
I was barely sitting down in the restroom when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'

And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just taking care of business.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.'

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Old 03-08-2015, 02:25 AM   #1744
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


THE PRIEST AND THE RABBI...


A priest was called away on an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional booth unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi came over and he and the priest sat in the confessional booth together.

In a few minutes a woman came in and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do?".

The woman said, "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man entered the confessional.

He said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest:"How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

The rabbi told the priest that he thought that he got it, so the priest left.

A few minutes later, another woman entered the confessional booth and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery"

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
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That guy in video have mental issues plus eat hole turtle from some reason
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Old 03-08-2015, 09:15 AM   #1745
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.

A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winner. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses.
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Old 03-08-2015, 09:30 AM   #1746
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by RangoWA View Post
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.

A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winner. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses.
Sounds about right.
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Old 03-09-2015, 01:10 AM   #1747
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


FRIENDS VS. ITALIAN FRIENDS

FRIENDS: Never ask for food
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.

FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing .
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left you.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"

FRIENDS: Are for a while.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Are for life.
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Old 03-09-2015, 01:26 AM   #1748
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A bus stops and an Italian man gets on. He sits down, fetches out his mobile and starts a very animated conversation.

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

An old lady behind the man is furious at hearing such filth.

"You foul-mouthed w*p!" snaps the lady. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Heya you old woman!" says the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi..."
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That guy in video have mental issues plus eat hole turtle from some reason
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Old 03-09-2015, 02:22 AM   #1749
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The Italian Loan

An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front o f the bank. The Italian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5, 000?"

The Italian replied: "Minga, where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Ah, the Italians... Bada Bing
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Old 03-09-2015, 02:27 AM   #1750
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Texas Drinking Rules"

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Texas boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
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Old 03-09-2015, 02:48 AM   #1751
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
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That guy in video have mental issues plus eat hole turtle from some reason
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Old 03-09-2015, 07:11 AM   #1752
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Why Dogs Are Better than Women:

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs understand that you are their master.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs understand that farts are funny.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs don't want to know about every other pet you've had.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

A dog's parents never visit.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs like it when you leave the toilet seat up.
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Old 03-09-2015, 07:23 AM   #1753
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Is your wife or your dog your best friend?


Take your dog and your wife and lock them in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who do you think will be happy to see you?
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Old 03-12-2015, 07:44 PM   #1754
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Eh, screw it

Last edited by J L; 03-12-2015 at 07:47 PM. Reason: Trying to get video to work
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Old 03-12-2015, 09:42 PM   #1755
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Quote:
Originally Posted by J L View Post
Eh, screw it

Drunken squirrel?
Yeah, that was funny.

D.
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Old 03-12-2015, 09:49 PM   #1756
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Leo G View Post
.....


Take your painter and your dog and lock them in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who do you think will be happy to see you?
.....
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Old 03-13-2015, 10:45 AM   #1757
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Quote:
Originally Posted by m1911 View Post
A bus stops and an Italian man gets on. He sits down, fetches out his mobile and starts a very animated conversation.

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

An old lady behind the man is furious at hearing such filth.

"You foul-mouthed w*p!" snaps the lady. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Heya you old woman!" says the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi..."
Q: what's black and blue and floats down a river?


A: People who tell Italian jokes.
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Old 03-13-2015, 10:59 AM   #1758
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
350 A.D. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root."
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Old 03-13-2015, 11:04 AM   #1759
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN

* We got off the Titanic first.

* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

* We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

* We can cry and get off speeding tickets.

* We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a
computer game.

* Taxis stop for us.

* We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

* Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).

* New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

* If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

* We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.

* We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are
still there.

* If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

* We have the ability to dress ourselves.

* We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them
naked.

* If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an
idiot.

* There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
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Old 03-13-2015, 11:04 AM   #1760
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY
--------------------------

- Phone conversations last 30 seconds.
- You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes.
- A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
- When clicking thru the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
- You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go.
- You can go to the bathroom alone.
- Your last name stays put.
- You can leave a hotel room bed unmade.
- You can kill your own food.
- The garage is all yours.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment."
- You never have to clean the toilet.
- You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.
- Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3.
- None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
- You don't have to shave below your neck.
- You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy ever night.
- If you're 34 and single, no one notices.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- Flowers fix everything.
- Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
- You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.
- You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "he must be mad at me."
- One mood, all the time.
- You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him.
- Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
- Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental 100 bucks.
- You don't care if someone is talking behind your back.
- You don't pass on the desert and then mooch off someone else's.
- If you retain water, it is in a canteen.
- The remote is yours and yours alone.
- You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom.
- If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

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