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The Official CT Joke Duel Page

 
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Old 02-15-2015, 10:26 PM   #1701
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Sitting together on a train were Pres. Obama, George W. Bush,
a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later
There is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel,
Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the
Blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried
To grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled
The old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark.
She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel,
So I can slap the **** out of Obama again!
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That guy in video have mental issues plus eat hole turtle from some reason
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Old 02-15-2015, 10:34 PM   #1702
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Eileen and her husband John went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband John watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to John and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week... Can you do this?'

John thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
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That guy in video have mental issues plus eat hole turtle from some reason
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Old 02-15-2015, 11:03 PM   #1703
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married
again. So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.


On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her
dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the
widow said. "Just look at you ... you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat
you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still
good in bed??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I
rang the door bell, didn't I?"


The wedding is scheduled for Saturday
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Old 02-15-2015, 11:04 PM   #1704
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Maybe a re-post...

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. After tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey.
"I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom."
"Be strong honey. I love you, too."
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Old 02-15-2015, 11:05 PM   #1705
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


An older doctor stopped her and asked what
the problem was and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in
another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and,
without looking up, said, "Does she still have
the hiccups?"
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Old 02-16-2015, 04:46 PM   #1706
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page



Will I Live to see 80?


(Here's something to think about.) I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am past Seventy Five).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said...

She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a $#%^?
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That guy in video have mental issues plus eat hole turtle from some reason
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Old 02-16-2015, 07:19 PM   #1707
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


#1702 reminded me of this one

A woman has been in a coma for weeks. One day while getting a sponge bath the machine that reads her brain function goes wild when the nurse is cleaning her pubic region. The doctors come in and see that indeed anytime her genitals are touched she responds very favourably.

They call her husband in and tell him that they believe that, while highly unorthodox, oral sex may just get her out of her coma. They assure him that they will give the two of them total privacy but will leave all the machines attached to monitor her. The husband agrees and the doctors leave him alone with her.

About a minute later the woman suddenly redlines...the doctors rush in and ask what happened? The husband shrugs and says..."not sure, but I think she choked"
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Old 02-16-2015, 09:26 PM   #1708
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


8 year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school. "What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher. "So from now on you will be known as Mike." Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike." "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked. “Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two f*&%%$g Muslims.”
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That guy in video have mental issues plus eat hole turtle from some reason
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Old 02-16-2015, 10:17 PM   #1709
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


One day grandpa and grandson were sitting on the front porch.
A well preserved, mature woman walks by and grandpa says,
ummm, I sure would like a taste of that old pussy.
Grandson says, grandpa, what does old pussy taste like?
Grandpa replies "depends".
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Old 02-16-2015, 10:30 PM   #1710
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still Heavily sedated from a Difficult four hour, surgical Procedure A young student nurse appears to Give him a Partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, sir!!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....


A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?
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Old 02-16-2015, 10:33 PM   #1711
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


What's he complaining about ?
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Old 02-19-2015, 07:09 PM   #1712
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression................ I presume...

One little girl held up her hand and said: Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken.
Very good, said the teacher.

Another one said: This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn’t start.
That’s excellent, says the teacher.

Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says:

Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that.......



The teacher interrupted him and said, I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything.



Johnny says, Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.

The teacher says, Very well. Continue.


As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a sh!t, because he can’t read...
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Old 02-19-2015, 09:27 PM   #1713
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Financial Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.


Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
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Old 02-19-2015, 11:03 PM   #1714
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Old 02-19-2015, 11:09 PM   #1715
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by Robie View Post
And the car doesn't come with those pesky in-laws...
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That guy in video have mental issues plus eat hole turtle from some reason
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Old 02-20-2015, 01:34 AM   #1716
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A farmer was trying to sell his aging mule but was having no luck with classified ads and supermarket bulletin boards so he decided to hold a raffle.
He went to town and had 100 raffle tickets printed, then promptly sold them all to his customers, friends and relatives for $5.00 each.
As luck would have it, on the morning before the raffle, the mule to be raffled dropped dead.
A friend asked the farmer if the contestants were disappointed after hearing the news about the mule,
the farmer replied "only the winner, so I gave him his money back.
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Old 02-20-2015, 07:18 AM   #1717
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by m1911 View Post
And the car doesn't come with those pesky in-laws...
Oh the other hand, it also doesn't come with those great big beautiful...........




eyes.











(like I could see her eyes any more than you guys could)
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Old 02-21-2015, 03:48 AM   #1718
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50.Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look lady, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway.

The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's not so bad."

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband George came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores. Hi George!"
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That guy in video have mental issues plus eat hole turtle from some reason
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Old 02-21-2015, 04:00 AM   #1719
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all go to the desert and each takes one thing with her. The brunette took a water bottle, the redhead took an umbrella and the blonde took a car-door.They were walking in the desert with their objects and 3 men came up to them and said to the Brunette, “why have you got a water bottle?”

The Brunette replied, ” To drink water!”
They asked the redhead, “why do you have an umbrella?”
She said, “Because if it gets hot I can have some shade.”
Then they asked the blonde, ” Why do you have a car-door?”
She replied, ” If it gets hot all I have to do is roll down the window!”
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Old 02-21-2015, 12:50 PM   #1720
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On another Plumber's truck: ll
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you
don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

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