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The Official CT Joke Duel Page

 
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Old 12-09-2014, 08:36 PM   #1641
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by dom-mas View Post
I paraphrased that joke to some clowns at a garlic fest we have here.

"hey the garlic clowns smell funny" They didn't laugh at all, instead they made rude gestures to me
"Everybody thinks they have a sense of humor"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMknMZP_zX4
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Old 12-09-2014, 09:21 PM   #1642
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A dog named "Sex"

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "Id like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, Ive had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "Im looking for Sex..."

My court date has been set for Friday...
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Old 12-18-2014, 10:52 AM   #1643
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck stopped, got out and asked her what she was doing.

And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?
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Old 12-19-2014, 04:36 PM   #1644
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


How do you change your dish washer into a snow blower ??
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Give HER the shovel.
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Old 12-19-2014, 06:30 PM   #1645
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?' The parrot says,'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. ''I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'.

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks . 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers. ''Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.? ''Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.' The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. Sorry, but I just can't afford that. ''Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!' The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man. ''What are you talking about,?' asks the guy. 'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie. ''WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened? ''Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot. 'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.? ''Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over. Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.? 'DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.'
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Old 12-20-2014, 07:08 AM   #1646
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


You guys will have to forgive me if any of these are in here already, but 83 pages is too much to skim over to check.

Two blondes are constructing a building. The first blonde notices the second one constantly throwing nails over his shoulder and says, "what the hell are you doing?". The other blonde replies, "half of these nails are defective, when i take them from my pouch they are facing the wrong way." The the first blond then replies,"no you fool, they are for the other side."

There is a woman on a plane that is going down. She stands up and announces ,"if i am going to die i want to die feeling like a woman. Who on this plane is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man then stands up removes his shirt, throws it to her and says, " here iron this."


Now a couple corny ones.

Why cant the pirate say the alphabet? Because he always gets lost at C.

Two antennas me on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasnt much, but the reception was excellent.

Last edited by BenderBoy; 12-20-2014 at 07:16 AM.
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Old 12-23-2014, 05:28 PM   #1647
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Seemed funny to me...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJdA6AiDBJs
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Old 12-23-2014, 05:53 PM   #1648
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


That was a let down... I was hoping the shelves broke or something. Lol
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Old 12-23-2014, 06:36 PM   #1649
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by Xtrememtnbiker View Post
That was a let down... I was hoping the shelves broke or something. Lol
Sorry, it remined me of the time Jackie Kennedy was taking a TV personality on a tour of the White House. When asked to comment on the incredible paintings, she paused and said, "Well, there's this one and this one and this one and that one and this one......"
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Old 12-28-2014, 07:06 PM   #1650
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?

We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?

Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:

"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"

"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees... a ham bush."
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Old 12-28-2014, 08:24 PM   #1651
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The Official CT joke duel page-imageuploadedbycontractortalk1419816279.909752.jpg
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Old 12-29-2014, 03:52 PM   #1652
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


After reading Tedanderson's post about the gym, it reminded me of this....

Dear Diary...

For my 50th birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a

week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although

I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball

team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a

try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal

trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26-year-old

aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The

club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday...

Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was

well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce

waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God--with blond hair,

dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo hoo!!! Bruce gave me a

tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after 5 minutes on

the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I

attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I

enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics

class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging

as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding

it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday...

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the

air--then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the

treadmill but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it

all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday...

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying the toothbrush on

the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I

have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't

try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking

lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting my screams bothered

other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the

morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY

annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me

on the stair monster. Whey the hell would anyone invent a machine to

simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me

it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other

****, too.

Thursday...

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his

thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help

being half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce

took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran

and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as

punishment, put me on the rowing machine--which I sank.

Friday...

I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated

any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,

anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could

move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted

me to work on my triceps. I said to him, "I don't HAVE any triceps.

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &*@*#$

barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am

sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and from which

you graduated magna cum laude." The treadmill flung me off and I

landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been

someone softer, like a drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday...

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly

voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made

me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the

strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching 11 straight

hours of the *[email protected]#&& Weather Channel.

Sunday...

I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go

and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next

year my husband (the bastard) will choose a gift for me that is

fun--like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
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Old 01-07-2015, 06:44 PM   #1653
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Plumber breaks down and decides to grab his tools to keep them from getting stolen and walk for help. Someone drives by and says "THERES A SORRY SOB RIGHT THERE!" He yelled "I AM NOT I FOUND THESE TOOLS!!!"

(No offense to plumbers I use it on whoever I'm around HA!)
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Old 01-08-2015, 02:45 AM   #1654
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Italian Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Positano, Italy,
went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."



The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that."



"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."



The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven."



"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question."



"And what is that?" asked the priest.



"Should I tell her the war is over?''
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Old 01-08-2015, 11:39 PM   #1655
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by jaydee View Post
The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?

We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?

Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:

"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"

"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees... a ham bush."
HahahahahajajJajaja O_o I'm offended it should bee guebos rancheros
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Old 01-08-2015, 11:41 PM   #1656
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Piss Off Everyone

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said, “Any change?” I said, “Nope, you're still black.”
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, “Fat chance, with a face like that!”
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, “Where am I”? The farmer looks back up and shouts back, “You're in a basket - you dumb fvck!”
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer. Hell....how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake!
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Old 01-09-2015, 09:42 PM   #1657
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I'll use a few of those

other I'm scared to repeat.
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Old 01-09-2015, 09:48 PM   #1658
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...
Attached Thumbnails
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Old 01-10-2015, 11:19 AM   #1659
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PUNOGRAPHY

· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
· When chemists die, they barium.
· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words ...
· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
· This dyslexic man walks into a bra .
· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..
· I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
· Broken pencils are pointless.
· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool ..
· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
· Velcro - what a rip off!
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Old 01-10-2015, 01:26 PM   #1660
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


What does it mean when your wife comes out of the kitchen to nag you....?


Means her chain is too long.


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