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The Official CT Joke Duel Page

 
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Old 08-17-2009, 11:20 AM   #121
 
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


*Psst* they really are black with white stripes!
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Old 08-17-2009, 11:35 AM   #122
 
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Enjoy.

Quote:
A young Aussie joins the navy. On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware of gay sailors.

"But dad, how will I know?"

"Trust me son, you will know.

After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port. The father was on the dock waiting for his son. The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his fathers hand.

"Well son,how did it go?"

"Dad, I found out what you ment about gay sailors. One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard."

"But how could you tell he was gay?"

"Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling "THROW ME A BOUY, THROW ME A BOUY"
Quote:
A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "
Quote:
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
Quote:
The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot.

First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, “Reveille, Reveille. Up all hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille.”

The old chief told the parrot, “We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep.”

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Chief told the parrot, “If you keep this up, I'll put you out in the chicken pen.”

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.

About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention in formation, and on the ground laid 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, “By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!”
Quote:
At the last port-of-call before a long voyage, lonely Captain Loony Dabloon decides it's time he needs another parrot. He heads to the port's birdkeep, and finds the perfect talkative parrot perched on its swing within. The keeper discloses, however, that the bird was born with no legs, among another odd birth defect. Dabloon of course inquires, "How he be a'holdin 'is ground?" Smartly, the parrot replied "Awk! With me yardarm of course," to which the parrot opens his wings and reveals his other birth defect, his wraparound length tally-whacker. The captain is amazed at the impressive appendage, and of course considers the parrot perfect among his mangy and motley crew.

Captain Loony Dabloon and the newly-monikered Tiltin Yardarm fast become talkative mates, and the captain wastes no time in warning his feathery friend of his cunning and lecherous first mate, Rusty Pegleg. "A foul bosom's mate he is, he'll steal your wench from ye as soon as he'd steal the bung from its hole!"

They voyage on, and at the next port the crew finds a slew of horny wenches, of which the captain always gets the first pick. Dabloon immediately picks the sauciest wench of the bunch, taking well into account as Rusty Pegleg drools at the mere sight of her. The captain keeps his lady waiting in his quarters while he settles with the mistress of the brothel, betting his first mate wouldn't be brazen enough to plunder the Captain's choice pick with Tiltin Yardarm bearing witness.

However, when the Captain returns, his wench is gone, and Yardarm begins to squawk a terrible account. Loony Dabloon is incensed-

"What transpired 'ere, and where's me choice wench?!"

"Awk! Rusty Pegleg is all to blame, I swear me Cap'n!"

This further infuriates Dabloon - "Tell yer every bit of it or I'll 'ave ye defeathered 'n tarred!" Titltin musters his courage- "Awk! He burst through the door and thrust her to the bed!" The captain now is boiling. "And then what 'appened?!"

His parrot begins to quiver. "Awk! She moaned and begged him to drop his anchor!"

Dabloon unsheathes his cutlass in a fit of anger, pointing at his feathery witness - "Spare no detail or it's yer life!" Shivering, his misplaced target of anger musters- "Awk! She was clawing for him to take her, begging him, pleading him 'Oh captain, Oh captain!'"

To this, the maddened Captain Loony Dabloon thrusts the tip of his blade to the edge of the poor parrot's neck- "Every bloody detail or yer to walk the plank and find Davey Jones locker with 'im!" Tiltin Yardarm swallows heavily and replies- "I can't bear witness to what happened next. I fell right off me perch!"
Quote:
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!
Quote:
" A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!" "
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Old 08-17-2009, 07:52 PM   #123
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Chickadee is out in the pasture looking for worms when a cow comes by and craps on him.

Completely buried in manure the bird begins to chirp frantically for help.

The farmers tom cat happens by, and hearing the bird chirping starts to dig it out of the pile.

The Chickadee is almost out and starts thanking the cat for helping him.

The cat promptly eats the bird.

The moral of the story?

He who craps on you is not always your enemy, and He who gets you out of crap is not always your friend
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Old 08-17-2009, 09:38 PM   #124
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Why didn't the Pirate take the "A" train ?

Because he was waiting for the "ARRRRRHH"

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Old 08-18-2009, 11:42 PM   #125
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by Cdat View Post
*Psst* they really are black with white stripes!
Oh no you did unt!
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Old 08-19-2009, 07:54 PM   #126
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


I recently spent 3 grand for 2 hearing aids for my wife. She has had a hell of a time getting accustomed to them,. Strange sounds, beeps, ill fitting, etc. They keep switching them. Finally come up with another typef or only $600 more! Damn! Talk about bait and switch.
One evening I asked my wife in(in my sexy voice), " Girl, you got panies on?"

Her reply was ," No, but I think I have some nickles and dimes on the dresser."

The new hearing aides should be in any day now.
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Old 08-20-2009, 12:01 AM   #127
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


fell asleep last night on a corduroy pillow, woke up with headlines.
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Old 08-21-2009, 08:35 PM   #128
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A lady walks into a sex shop and says to the salesman, "Where are all the dildos?"
He says, "They're on the wall, lady..."
She says, "I'll take a red one..."
He says, "No, lady. The dildos are on the wall next to the fire extinguisher."


A group soldiers crosses the desert, and then they have to cross a river. They only have one camel, so they all climb on. The sergeant gets behind the ears, and the rest climb on behind him. When they get halfway across the river, the sergeant sees two big tears in the eyes of the camel.
He says to the guy behind him, "Yo, the camel is crying."
That guy passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying," and he passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying," he passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying."
When they get to the guy who's riding the tail, they say, "Yo, the camel is crying," he says, "What the hell do you want me to do? If I take it out, I'll fall off."



A salesman's on the road and goes up to a girl in a bar.
He says, "You want a drink?"
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They drink the drink, and he says, "Want to go back to my hotel."
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They get to his hotel room, and he says, "You want to get naked?"
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They get it on and she leaves.
A few months later she calls him at his office and says, "I'm pregnant. I think I'm going to kill myself."
He says, "Geez...you are a good sport."
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Old 08-22-2009, 01:30 PM   #129
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "will you marry me?"

She said "no."

After that he rode motorcycles, drove fast cars, went fishing and hunting, played endless rounds of golf, drank beer with 151 chasers, always had tons of money in the bank, farted and scratched whenever he wanted, always left the toilet seat up and
lived happily ever after.

THE END.
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Old 08-25-2009, 06:47 AM   #130
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


You know why Cavemen drug their women by the hair?

Cuase if they drug them by the ankles the'd get packed full of dirt.
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Old 08-25-2009, 06:56 AM   #131
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last night i thought i'd be frisky and rolled over by the wife and put it in her hand.

She said we weren't gonna start smoking in the bed.
.................................................. .......................


On a bench in the park, 3 old ladies sit watching the people go by. All of a sudden a flasher comes by in a trench coat. Bearing himself in front of the 3 old ladies. Ethell, nearly 70 years old, gasps a deep breath and has a stroke. Beaula, about 75, also immeadiately has a stroke, and poor Ms. Irene, pushing 90 was just too frail and weak, and the flasher got away before she got to have her stroke.
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Old 08-25-2009, 06:59 AM   #132
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Always practice safe sex,

Have the neighbor throw a tupperware "Lock-in" party" for your wife and then call the mistress.
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Old 08-25-2009, 01:45 PM   #133
 
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Here's an oldie but goody:

The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.


She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "BATHROOM COMMODE". But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again and rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC. "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.


Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about he local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam:

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous. Even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats.

I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember, this is a friendly community.

Sincerely,
Campground Owner I don't!
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Old 08-25-2009, 05:04 PM   #134
 
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.


The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"


"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama."
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Old 08-25-2009, 06:43 PM   #135
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Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and
park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't
mind us, we're joined at the hip.

I'm John, he's Jim.

Two Molson Canadian beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to
make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
"Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John.
"We go to England every year, hire a car, and drive for
miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender.

"Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the
culture...."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap,"
says John. "Hamburgers & Molson's beer,
that's us, eh, Jim?

And we can't stand the English;
they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and
polite like us Canadians."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the
bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
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Old 08-25-2009, 06:45 PM   #136
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door
where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,
is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring
rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.
'Can't you remember about three months ago when
we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be
ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed,
and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.
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Old 08-25-2009, 06:54 PM   #137
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A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania ."

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania ?
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world
is a tax-e-derm-ist?"

The man says, "I mount animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar...

"It's okay boys, he's one of us."
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Old 08-25-2009, 08:24 PM   #138
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


One day, mdshunk, Teetorbilt and Mike Finley get together on a plane. As the plane takes off, it crashes and kills all three of them.

They get up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter looks at mdshunk. "Marc, follow me" he says.

Saint Peter and Marc walk down a long hallway with doors on either side. They walk for about 10 minutes, then Saint Peter turns and unlocks a rather plain and unmarked door. He opens it, and inside a small room is a mad dog. Saint Peter shoves Marc in and says, "Marc, you have sinned, and for your sins, you must spend eternity with this rabid dog." With that, Saint Peter shuts the door and locks it.

Upon his return, Saint Peter says, "Mr. Teetorbilt, come with me". The two walk down the same hallway. Past the room Marc is in. And they continue to walk down what seems an infinitely long hallway with unmarked doors on either side. After a half hour, Saint Peter stops and unlocks another door. Inside is a gorilla, and with a slight push Saint Peter pushes Teetorbilt into the room. Saint Peter says, "Mr. Teetorbilt, you have sinned, and for your sins you must spend eternity with this wild gorilla." He shuts the door, locks it and walks away.

Returning to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter then addresses Mike Finley. "Mike, kind sir, would you walk with me?" The two walk down the never-ending hallway. Past the two rooms above. They walk and walk. It seems the are going to walk down this hallway forever.

After an interminable time, Saint Peter turns and unlocks yet another door. When the door swings open, Mike is drawn to what he sees. Inside is Angelina Jolie, naked as the day she was born, laying in a heart-shaped bed with red silk sheets. She is surrounded by all manners of luxuries.....a chilled bottle of wine...... fresh roses in a vase...... soft music plays in the background.





Saint Peter says, "Angelina, you have sinned......"
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Old 08-25-2009, 08:40 PM   #139
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CScalf View Post
tell your wife in a crowded room to point at her head and spell the abbreviation for mountain......mt
And that's how the fight started!
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Old 08-26-2009, 09:49 AM   #140
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A crusty old bikie named Tim, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a pub and

sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:


CHEESEBURGER $2.50
HAMBURGER $2.25
CHICKEN SANDWICH $3. 50
HAND JOB $5.00


Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and
beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a
meagre looking group of farmers.


"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"


"I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand jobs?"



"Yes," she smiles and purrs, "I sure am."


The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands real good cause I want a cheeseburger".

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