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The Official CT Joke Duel Page

 
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Old 07-27-2013, 07:10 PM   #1241
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


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Old 07-28-2013, 08:33 PM   #1242
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Old 07-28-2013, 10:35 PM   #1243
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
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Old 07-29-2013, 07:14 PM   #1244
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Maybe a repeat...


Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there
'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it afore!'
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Old 07-30-2013, 09:47 AM   #1245
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


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Old 07-31-2013, 03:49 PM   #1246
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"Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol."

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

A Beretta Jet-fire testimonial.

Here is her story: While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jet-fire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ... the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.
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Old 08-03-2013, 04:39 PM   #1247
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On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.


After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was there for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned," This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say “1-2-3.


When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."


The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say “1-2-3-4,”he responded."But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."


He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.


His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What’s the 1-2-3 for?"


And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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Old 08-06-2013, 05:27 AM   #1248
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.”
Bob thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Jim says. “What’s that?”
The dean says, “I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
... “Yeah.” “Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.”
“That’s true, I do have a yard.”
“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house.”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“Yes, I have a family.”
“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”
“I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.”
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Bob says, “What’s that?”
Jim says, “I’ll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?”
“No.”
“Then you’re a queer... “
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Old 08-06-2013, 05:57 AM   #1249
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Sorry, I was trying to copy/paste something, but the pictures didn't show up.
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Old 08-06-2013, 05:47 PM   #1250
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Quote:
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sorry, i was trying to copy/paste something, but the pictures didn't show up.
ok,
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Old 08-06-2013, 06:22 PM   #1251
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Two ole boys are sitting on the porch one afternoon when one notices the dog licking himself, the ole boy tells the other " I wish I could do that" and the second one replies "he'll bite you".
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Old 08-06-2013, 06:28 PM   #1252
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Tosh.o
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Old 08-06-2013, 06:30 PM   #1253
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better scratch him behind the ear first
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Old 08-06-2013, 08:35 PM   #1254
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What next?
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Old 08-06-2013, 08:47 PM   #1255
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What next?
Uh...half a loaf is better than none?
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Old 08-07-2013, 11:09 AM   #1256
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."
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Old 08-07-2013, 11:31 AM   #1257
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Ms. Willie loved it, too!
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Old 08-07-2013, 03:03 PM   #1258
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Sad , but all to true sometimes.
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Old 08-08-2013, 06:15 PM   #1259
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Pope Francis met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.




"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, " Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."



Pope Francis thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.






"Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.






"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added,"there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."






Everyone agreed it was a good idea.



The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.






The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform Pope Francis of the result. I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer.






"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said Pope Francis.






"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must've been inspired by the Lord above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.






"There's bad news?", the Pope asked. "Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.
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Old 08-11-2013, 04:19 PM   #1260
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him
out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I
was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very
healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed
him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even
broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a
machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him .........

but they kind of taste like peppermint.

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