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The Official CT Joke Duel Page

 
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Old 03-01-2013, 09:00 PM   #1041
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


I had a dog once that didn't have no legs... I named him cigar, cause ever once in a while I liked to take him out for a drag.
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Old 03-01-2013, 09:12 PM   #1042
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Three men ,.let's just say a carpenter, a banker and a mechanical engineer are condemned to death by guillotine.
First up is the carpenter, they lay him down face up, pull the lever and nothing happens, so he is instantly pardoned and let go.
Next is the banker...same thing. Guillotine doesn't work so he's free to go.
The engineer is laying there face up, and just as they're reaching for the lever hollers "hold up, I think I see the problem! "
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Old 03-01-2013, 09:16 PM   #1043
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Do you know why there aren't any architects in heaven?









Because Jesus was a carpenter.
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Old 03-01-2013, 09:29 PM   #1044
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One day a Jewish grandmother had taken her grandson to the beach for a play when suddenly a huge wave washed over the infant and pulled him out to sea. The distraught grandmother fell down on her knees, and sobbed, "Please God, don't let my grandson die, please, he is my only grandson! He is the future of my family, please return him to me safely!" Instantly another huge wave rolls the infant back onto the beach and the grandmother looks up to the sky and said, "He had a hat!"

Last edited by rselectric1; 03-01-2013 at 10:32 PM. Reason: ...
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Old 03-01-2013, 09:32 PM   #1045
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
The NBA

What do you call 200 white men chasing a black man?
The PGA tour.
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Old 03-01-2013, 09:35 PM   #1046
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Quote:
Originally Posted by donerightwyo View Post
Because Jesus was a carpenter.


I never heard that one
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Old 03-01-2013, 09:39 PM   #1047
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


I walked into the doctor's office yesterday for a prostate exam.
During the exam, the doctor says to me:
"Ya know, you really gotta stop ja##ing of so much."

I said: "Why, is there a problem?"

"Yeah, it makes it really hard for me to do the exam!"
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Last edited by tenon0774; 03-02-2013 at 08:03 PM.
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Old 03-02-2013, 03:29 PM   #1048
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
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Old 03-02-2013, 03:36 PM   #1049
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Ohmydearsweetlord.Oneofthe funniest jokes I've heard in a long long time. Thanks Brutus
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Old 03-02-2013, 03:38 PM   #1050
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This ones for Farrel

What do you call an arab that's been every where and done everything?

Binder Dundat
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Old 03-02-2013, 03:41 PM   #1051
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dom-mas View Post
This ones for Farrel

What do you call an arab that's been every where and done everything?

Binder Dundat


I thought that was a street corner in downtown Toronto?!?!
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Old 03-02-2013, 03:55 PM   #1052
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


There was a proud man who became very constipated. After days turned into weeks his wife finally convinced him to go to the new Dr.

The Dr. reassured him this was a very common thing and the best results would be a suppository. The man was unsure, yet the pain had become too much so he agreed. The Dr. leaned him over and inserted the suppository and sent him on his way with a second dose to be taken in four hours.

Four hours came around and the man went into his bathroom to add the second and he just couldn't do it alone, so he called his wife in for assistance. Ever so gently the wife rested a hand on his shoulder and inserted the little pill with the other and the man roared out a "NO!"

She jumps back and insisted she was ever so gentle. To this the man replied, "Yes you were, thank you, it's just I realized the Dr. had both hands on my shoulders during the procedure!"
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Old 03-02-2013, 07:43 PM   #1053
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
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Old 03-02-2013, 07:44 PM   #1054
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A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom.

Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in your bouncing up and down on him".

His mom is taken by surprise and says "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The little boy says, that won't work"

His Mom says, "WHY?"

The little boy replies "Because the lady next door comes over, after you leave, and blows him back up!!"
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Old 03-02-2013, 07:52 PM   #1055
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rino1494 View Post
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom.

Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in your bouncing up and down on him".

His mom is taken by surprise and says "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The little boy says, that won't work"

His Mom says, "WHY?"

The little boy replies "Because the lady next door comes over, after you leave, and blows him back up!!"
I know that one as he sees her giving him a hand job and she says he's getting fat and she's just letting the air out of him
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Old 03-02-2013, 09:10 PM   #1056
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Lawyer Joke

Space For Rent

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent

had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant immediately wrote a check
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Old 03-02-2013, 09:14 PM   #1057
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Majorly Busted
Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; torrential downpour.

There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?"
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Old 03-03-2013, 07:43 PM   #1058
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A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
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Old 03-03-2013, 07:52 PM   #1059
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Years of Math 1950 - 2010

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.

I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto
dinero ha hecho?

7. Teaching Math In 2013

Who cares, just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor's property. He won't have a gun to stop you, and the President says it's OK anyway cuz itís redistributing the wealth!
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Old 03-03-2013, 07:55 PM   #1060
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Polish Blonde

A blonde went into a a remote Internet cafe in the middle of nowhere to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!!

But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!" The man arched an eyebrow "Anything?"

"Yes, anything" the blonde promised. With that, the man said, "Follow me".

He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door". She did.

He then said, "Get on your knees". She did. Then he said, "Take down my zipper".

She did. He said, "Go ahead...take it out". She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well....go ahead!"

The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips, said loudly, "HELLO.....MOM???

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