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The Official CT Joke Duel Page

 
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Old 02-27-2013, 11:42 AM   #1021
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Our government at work!


A guy stopped at a local gas station & after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy. "
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Old 02-27-2013, 12:45 PM   #1022
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


An Irishman & a Mercedes ...

On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a
typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he
does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on this god's earth are dey for?"?
inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Sacred Heart", says the Irishman,

"Mercedes thinks of everything!".
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Old 02-28-2013, 06:55 AM   #1023
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Little Johnny's teacher says, "Class, today we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, "Me, Miss Finch!"

Miss Finch turns towards the eager young lad, "All right, Little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable
word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate".

Miss Finch smiles and says, "Well, little Johnny, that sure is a mouthful!".

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Finch, you're thinking of a blowjob".
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Old 02-28-2013, 06:57 AM   #1024
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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
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Old 02-28-2013, 11:36 AM   #1025
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


My doctor only gave me six months to live...
When I didn't pay him, he gave me six more...
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Old 02-28-2013, 03:27 PM   #1026
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


It's been exactly 10 years since old Mildred's been widowed. She sits down with a glass of wine and looks at pictures of her dear departed husband. She begins to get very depressed and misses him so much that she feels like she has to end it. She goes and gets his old gun and resolves to shoot herself right in her aching heart. Unsure exactly where the heart is she calls up the health nurse who tells her that the heart is found behind her left breast. That night Mildred is admitted to the hospital for a gun shot would to the knee.

That one is the less crude version of this one.

What do you call the hair between your grandmas t1ts? Her vagina
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Last edited by Leo G; 02-28-2013 at 05:59 PM. Reason: sorry, had to change it.
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Old 02-28-2013, 04:22 PM   #1027
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Ole and Sven are walking down a street in Minocqua WI, when they see a
sign on a store that reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, and trousers $2.50 per pair."

Ole says to his pal, "Looky here! We could buy a whole gob of dese, take
'em back at Dulute, sell 'em to our friends, 'n make a fortune. Now when we go in der, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do DA talkin cuz if dey hear yur accent, dey might tink we're ignorant 'n try to cheat us.

No way, dey'll know we're from Minnesota."

They go in and Ole says with his best "Wisconsin" accent, "I'll take 50 of those suits at $5.00 each, 100 of those shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each.

I'll back up my pickup and.."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Minnesota, ain't you?"

"Vell...yeah," says a surprised Ole. "How'd ya know dat?"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners..."
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Old 02-28-2013, 04:24 PM   #1028
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Doubled posted

Last edited by Bill1500; 02-28-2013 at 04:33 PM.
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Old 02-28-2013, 04:27 PM   #1029
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Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to Minnesota to have portraits done. One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house.

Inside was a beautiful woman, who asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole. The woman said money was no object. She was willing to pay $50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.

In a few minutes, he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."
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Old 02-28-2013, 05:50 PM   #1030
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Here's one that is usually very racist and I don't roll like that but the humour is still pretty good.

2 Frenchmen, Andre and Pierre are walking down the street when they see a sign that says "Are you tired of being degraded because you are French. For $50 we can teach you to speak perfect English in 1 hr guaranteed" Pierre looks at Andre and says "you know I am tired of it, the English have better jobs get better service and make more money, but I've only got $40". Andre says, "Me too and you know what, I've got $60. I'll go in first and if it works I'll give you the extra $10." So they go down to the centre and Andre walks in. An hr later Andre walks out and says in perfect English "I can't believe it worked!". Pierre says to him "Hey that's great can I get the extra $10?" Andre replies "Fvck off frenchie"
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Old 02-28-2013, 08:10 PM   #1031
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by dom-mas View Post
Here's one that is usually very racist and I don't roll like that but the humour is still pretty good.

2 Frenchmen, Andre and Pierre are walking down the street when they see a sign that says "Are you tired of being degraded because you are French. For $50 we can teach you to speak perfect English in 1 hr guaranteed" Pierre looks at Andre and says "you know I am tired of it, the English have better jobs get better service and make more money, but I've only got $40". Andre says, "Me too and you know what, I've got $60. I'll go in first and if it works I'll give you the extra $10." So they go down to the centre and Andre walks in. An hr later Andre walks out and says in perfect English "I can't believe it worked!". Pierre says to him "Hey that's great can I get the extra $10?" Andre replies "Fvck off frenchie"
I don't get it, one guy got it and the other could not afford it?
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Old 02-28-2013, 08:17 PM   #1032
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


As soon as he spoke great English he didn't want to deal with the French guy anymore. Just like they were complaining the Americans did to them.
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Old 02-28-2013, 08:24 PM   #1033
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


It's a joke about how when someone has nothing then gets something he can look down his nose at those that he used to be like. Maybe I should have used labourers and foremen instead
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Old 02-28-2013, 08:24 PM   #1034
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by dom-mas View Post
Here's one that is usually very racist and I don't roll like that but the humour is still pretty good.
It's OK they were French.
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Old 02-28-2013, 08:30 PM   #1035
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It's OK they were French.
What I meant is that it's usually about race. I've only heard it about 2 black guys walking down the road and the sign offers to turn them white. I changed it to Frenchies because I don't like racist jokes, although I do find the base of the joke pretty funny.
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Old 02-28-2013, 08:38 PM   #1036
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5 year-old daughter naturally took interest in all the activities going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her and let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.
The little girl took this home to her Mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly said "I worked all last week with a crew building a house."

"My goodness" said the teller. "And will you be working on the house again this week too?

The little girl replied, "I will if those useless s*ns-a-b*tches at Home Depot ever bring us any drywall that is worth a sh*t! "
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Old 02-28-2013, 08:56 PM   #1037
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A middle aged woman volunteers for a procedure in where a roller device is placed above her hairline so when she wants a quick face lift, she inserts the small crank and gives it about a quarter turn.

Years later she goes to the doctor complaining about unsightly bags under her eyes. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, those are your breasts"

She thinks a moment and replies "Well, I guess that explains the goatee"
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Old 02-28-2013, 09:11 PM   #1038
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Quote:
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"Well, I guess that explains the goatee"
I heard that one before.
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Old 03-01-2013, 08:37 AM   #1039
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


In the same vein as Dom mas':

Hope this is not a repeat.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto top a ridge one day and see that they are about to be attacked by a thousand indians.

The Lone Ranger looks at Tonto and says, " Looks like we've had it, my friend!"
Tonto replies, " Whats this we sh*t,.....white man?"
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Old 03-01-2013, 05:06 PM   #1040
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows
her from, so he asks, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Oh my god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in my butt?" She replies, “No, I'm your son's math teacher."

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