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The Official CT Joke Duel Page

 
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Old 07-30-2009, 02:59 PM   #81
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A man and his young son are in the pharmacy when the son sees the condoms.

Son points at the three pack and asks, "Dad what are these for?"

Father Replies, "Those are for school boys, One for Friday, One for Saturday, One for Sunday."

Son points at the six pack and asks, "Dad who are these for?"

Father replies, "Those are for college boy, Two for Friday, Two for Saturday, Two for Sunday."

Son points at the twelve pack and asks, "Dad and who are these for?"

Father replies, "Son those are for married man, One for January, One for February, One for March, etc..."

Old Russian painter told me that one. I lost it.
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Old 07-30-2009, 03:22 PM   #82
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by hungry4knowhow View Post

Father replies, "Son those are for married man, One for January, One for February, One for March, etc..."
I bought a 12 pack when I got married. Good thing they have a 3 year shelf life or they would have all gone to waste.
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Old 07-30-2009, 03:25 PM   #83
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


dirty johny was in school one day
the teacher was giving out difficult words, and the students were to form a sentence with said word.
she had gone thru at least a dozen words succesfully avoiding young johny flailing his hand with every word
her final word for the day was contagious
and you guessed it only johny had his hand up
so she figured how bad could it be, and gives him a turn
little johny says. well me and my dad went for a drive in the country
we came across a farm with a giant barn
there was a women painting this barn with a small brush and a small can of paint.
So my dad says its going to take that contagious to finish painting that barn
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Old 07-30-2009, 05:49 PM   #84
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Little Johnny was quite bored staying at home
on his summer vacation. So his mother suggested
he go watch the builders putting up the new house
next door.

So over he goes and comes home just before dinner.
His mom asks him what he learned. Johnny was
very proud, telling her “ I learned how to put on
something called trim.” Mom said “Tell me how”

Johnny says “Well first you hold the mother****er
up, then the cocksucker doesn’t fit” “ So you take
a **** hair of the end…” Johnny’s Mom is so
shocked, she yells at him “Go to your room and
just wait until your father gets home.”

When his dad gets home, Johnny’s mom tells him
to go upstairs and talk to his son about his day. So
he goes and asks Johnny about his day and Johnny
repeats what he told his mom..

His dad is so pissed he screams at Johnny “You go
outside right now and get me a switch!” To this
Johnny replies “**** you, that’s the electrician’s job”
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Old 07-30-2009, 05:57 PM   #85
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have
obsessions, he observed.'
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed
with eating.. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, 'Your obsession is
with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, 'Your obsession is
alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy..'

At this point, the fourth Mother, Kristy, quietly got up,
took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy
has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from
school and go get dinner.'
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Old 07-31-2009, 08:17 PM   #86
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


If you want to see a handkerchief dance, put a little boogie in it.
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Old 08-01-2009, 09:15 AM   #87
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


what did the girl from (fill in with southern state ) say while having sex
Dad get off me your crushing my smokes
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Old 08-01-2009, 10:01 AM   #88
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she
spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she seemed to
love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing
that?'

"Because," she replied, "I miss mine."
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Old 08-01-2009, 10:04 AM   #89
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by Leo G View Post
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she
spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she seemed to
love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing
that?'

"Because," she replied, "I miss mine."


Little coffee out the nose on that one.
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Old 08-02-2009, 06:46 PM   #90
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


WHAT SIZE ARE YOUR BALLS????????

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on the American Male's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
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Old 08-03-2009, 10:40 AM   #91
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The Half-Wit

A man owned a small farm in South Carolina . The South Carolina Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the Agent...

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board..

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 16 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to.....the half-wit", says the Agent.

"That would be me", replied the farmer.
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Old 08-03-2009, 08:43 PM   #92
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked. The cucumber says " Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad." The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar." The penis looks at them and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up all over myself and pass out!"
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Old 08-06-2009, 01:22 PM   #93
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A hotshot New York City lawyer went duck hunting down in South Texas. Before long, the lawyer shoots and drops a bird, but it falls into a farmer’s field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer begins to climb over the fence, an elderly farmer drives up on his tractor and asks the lawyer what in the blue blazes he thinks he is doing. The lawyer responds, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old codger replied, “You better hold your horses there sonny. This is my property and you’re not coming over here.”

The lawyer, more than a bit miffed at the old farmer’s gruff attitude, responded, “Look old timer, I’m one of the best trial lawyers in America and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take you to the cleaners.”

The farmer smiles at the lawyer and says, “Apparently you don’t know how we do things down here in Texas. We settle disagreements like this with the Texas three kick rule.”

The lawyer asks, “What in the heck is the Texas three kick rule?”

“Well,” says the farmer, “first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the farmer and agreed to abide by the local custom. The farmer then slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked over to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped the lawyer to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the lawyer’s nose off of his face. The lawyer was now flat on his back when the farmer’s third kick to the kidney nearly caused the lawyer to give up. The lawyer then summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot, now it’s my turn.”

To which the old farmer coolly replied, “No, I give up. You can have the duck.”
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Old 08-07-2009, 04:12 PM   #94
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'."
Sally raised her hand. She said "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.
The teacher said "That was good too Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word, so she called on him.
Johnny said "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only
fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
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Old 08-07-2009, 04:34 PM   #95
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by nailkiller1 View Post
what did the girl from (fill in with southern state ) say while having sex
Dad get off me your crushing my smokes
You FKing Yankees and your INNACURATE joke tellin'!

It's BROTHER not dad!
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Old 08-08-2009, 11:34 PM   #96
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


a kid is walking down the street with a shoe box when he meets

2 other kids. second kid says to first kid "hey, what you got in the box?"

first kid says "smart pills, do you want 1?"

second kid says "ok", takes 1, puts it in his mouth,

chews and swallows it, then says

"yuck, that tastes like rabbit s**t"

first kid says "see you're smarter already."

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Old 08-09-2009, 04:28 AM   #97
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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again, and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth,' she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'



The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
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Old 08-09-2009, 04:30 AM   #98
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Old Guys

I was in Firestone Tire the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"



I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours." Most old guys are helpful like that.
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Old 08-09-2009, 04:13 PM   #99
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so, wife walks in the room says, "what do you think about these?"

I say "they're great, but didn't you just buy new bed sheets last week?

Turns out they were panties....

any how.... that's how the fight started.
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Old 08-09-2009, 04:16 PM   #100
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wife says to me... what do you think you're gonna do today?

I say, Nothin'........ why................

Wife says, You did that yesterday...........

I said yeah, well, i ain't done yet.......

Any how, that's how the fight started.

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