The Official CT Joke Duel Page - Page 49 - Off Topic (Non Trade) - Contractor Talk

The Official CT Joke Duel Page

 
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Old 02-08-2013, 05:56 PM   #961
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page




Quote:
Originally Posted by BoGoCo View Post
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

“Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight. – Your Husband”

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

“Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.
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Old 02-08-2013, 08:26 PM   #962
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


whats green and smells like bacon


kermits fingers
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Old 02-08-2013, 08:43 PM   #963
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Guy walking down street sees sign "Talking dog for sale $200"
He rings bell and asks if it's true.
Sure the guy says, want to see dog, come on in.
The guy says tell me about yourself.
The dog starts talking. "When I was a pup they selected me for Army training, I went to war and sniffed out bombs and enemy soldiers. When I retired I joined the Fire Dept. finding people in building collapses. Nowadays I go to nursing homes and make people feel better."
The guy is astonished and asked why he is being sold so cheap.
The owner says "Cause he's a goddam liar, he was never in the Army or Fire Dept. !"
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Old 02-08-2013, 08:52 PM   #964
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by woodworkbykirk View Post
whats green and smells like bacon


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Old 02-08-2013, 09:11 PM   #965
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by woodworkbykirk View Post
whats green and smells like bacon


kermits fingers
Finally a good joke!!!

Kermits "digit"!!

edit- I didn't see your white letters until I quoted it
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Old 02-08-2013, 09:26 PM   #966
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Jim Bowie wakes up in the Alamo and out the window, sees thousands of Mexicans surrounding the place.

Bowie runs to where Davy Crockett is sleeping and sez:
"Davy! Wake Up! There are thousands of Mexicans outside!"



Crockett rolls over and says "Why? Are we pouring concrete today?"
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Old 02-10-2013, 10:39 AM   #967
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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Old 02-10-2013, 10:44 AM   #968
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three
women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking
the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling
down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of
the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like
your thinking."
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Old 02-10-2013, 10:48 AM   #969
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, "The idiot used coins!"
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Old 02-10-2013, 10:59 AM   #970
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


One night a man and a woman were watching television and eating peanuts. And he was tossing them in the air and catching them with his mouth. And in the middle of catching one, the wife asked him a question. He turned his head and the peanut fell straight in his ear. They tried and tried to get it out but it just kept going in deeper. They started to grow worried, so they decided to go to the hospital. And on the way out the door, their daughter came home with her boyfriend.

Boyfriend: Oh, don't worry about that sir. I can probably get that out. I'm gonna shove two fingers up your nose, and you're gonna have to blow real hard. And the peanut should shoot straight out your ear.

So the father did as the young man said. And the peanut flew straight out his ear. The mom and daughter are cheering for joy.

Mother: That's a smart boy. Real clever. What do you think he's gonna be when he grows up?

Father: From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
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Old 02-10-2013, 02:56 PM   #971
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


jonny is sitting in his 8th grade english class, the teacher says tonight you have to be able to tell the difference between potentially and definitely

that night jonny goes to his father and asks him what the difference is... his father says "son ill tell you what, go to your mother and sister and ask them if they would sleep with brad pitt for a million dollars"

first jonny goes to his mother and asks" mom would you sleep with brad pitt for a million dollars?" she replies. " for a million dollars without a doubt hes gorgoues", then jonny goes and asks his older sister if she would ,she replies " brad Pitt? oh god yes he's dreamy"

jonny goes back to his father and says to him. "Dad, we got a situation here.. were potentially sitting on 2 million dollars but were DEFINITELY living with a couple of whores
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Old 02-10-2013, 02:59 PM   #972
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


you have 32 chocolate bars, you give them to danny. he eats 28 of them what does he have now






diabetes
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Old 02-10-2013, 03:22 PM   #973
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Little Johnny comes home from school and like every day his mother asks him what he did at school. Johnny says "I got laid at school today". His mom is furious and sends him to his room. Johnny's dad gets home and is briefed on his sons behavior and told to go have a talk with Johnny.

Johnny's dad is so proud of his boy he can hardly contain himself. Johnny is going to be just like his old man. But he heads to the boys room and gives him the grounding his mother expects, and then secretly a high five.


All the next day, little Johnny's dad can't wait to get home and see if his boy scored again. He finally gets home, goes straight to the boys room and asks him if he got laid again.

Little Johnny says "No Pa, my a$$ is still sore from yesterday."
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Old 02-10-2013, 04:03 PM   #974
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eeewwwwwwww
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Old 02-11-2013, 04:47 PM   #975
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Old 02-12-2013, 12:47 PM   #976
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Copper Wire Discovered

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City , New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles , California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside . Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, a local newspaper in Columbia , South Carolina reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Elgin , Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, South Carolina had already gone wireless".
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Old 02-13-2013, 07:46 PM   #977
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A Minnesota farmer, named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:

'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road....'

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my
client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olies answer and said to the
attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded
Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch. By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a
moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he
looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock vud you say?'
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Old 02-14-2013, 05:38 PM   #978
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender charges him 15 cents. Confused but not complaining, the man pays. After a while, he decides to have another beer and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The bartender charges him 50 cents, 15 for the beer and 35 for the food.

After finishing his food and drink, he calls the bartender over and says, "Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him." "No problem," says the bartender. "He's upstairs with my wife." "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man. "Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!"
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Old 02-15-2013, 05:15 PM   #979
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A gas station owner in Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and
the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said,"Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother,"I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
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Old 02-15-2013, 05:34 PM   #980
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DBBII View Post
A gas station owner in Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and
the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said,"Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother,"I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
Why does everyone always gotta pick on Alabama?

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