The Official CT Joke Duel Page - Page 47 - Off Topic (Non Trade) - Contractor Talk

The Official CT Joke Duel Page

 
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Old 01-11-2013, 10:12 AM   #921
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


grooooaaaaan.

Here's one I told the kids when we saw the shriners clowns at the local garlic festival.

Garlic festival clowns smell funny. badabing.,

It's a variant of the "what did the cannibal say after eating the circus?...Those clowns tasted funny"


The clowns actually got upset when I told them that one
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Old 01-11-2013, 10:19 AM   #922
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


I like the last one best

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at
least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Old 01-11-2013, 11:52 AM   #923
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1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He
acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking
into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the
other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.
91. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess
looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says,
'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other
says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at
least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Old 01-11-2013, 12:14 PM   #924
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


That's funny
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Old 01-11-2013, 01:55 PM   #925
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When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by
Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is this statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'
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Old 01-11-2013, 02:47 PM   #926
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Little Johnny was bugging his mom real bad one day, so she told him to go across the street and watch the contractors building a house.


He was gone for about an hour...

When he returned his mom asked him what he learned.

Johnny said, "Well first you put the damn door up, and the son of a biotch don't fit, so you have to take the m'fvcker back down, take a cvnt hair off each side and then put the c0ck sucker back up!"

Johnny's mom said "YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME!"

When Johnny's dad arrived home he told him what he had learned.

His dad said, boy go get a switch, Johnny said "Fvck you that's the electrician's job!"

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Old 01-11-2013, 08:48 PM   #927
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Do not know to laugh or cry...

http://shine.yahoo.com/photos/ive-se...210500977.html
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Old 01-11-2013, 09:34 PM   #928
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


#13 had the right idea...
Although, I would like to think, I wouldn't be caught dead, in any of those outfits.

D.
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Old 01-11-2013, 09:37 PM   #929
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huh, how'd those guys get a peak into my closet
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Old 01-11-2013, 09:48 PM   #930
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I can made quick # 3
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Old 01-12-2013, 01:10 PM   #931
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Tough getting through a doorway though!

D.


P.S. That would be a fun line, to run through the grammar and spelling thread.
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Old 01-12-2013, 01:16 PM   #932
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Most of them look embarrassed to be seen it those things. Talk about being on drugs.
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Old 01-14-2013, 07:50 PM   #933
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For master carpenter
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Old 01-14-2013, 08:12 PM   #934
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"Nope! It was all bad!"
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Old 01-14-2013, 09:26 PM   #935
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For master carpenter
That is awesome!!
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Old 01-14-2013, 11:48 PM   #936
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For master carpenter
That is one of the few things in here that actually made me laugh!!!
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Old 01-15-2013, 06:16 PM   #937
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The Official CT joke duel page-img_20130115_171537.jpg
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Old 01-15-2013, 11:07 PM   #938
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A woman's menstruation is not funny. Period.
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Old 01-16-2013, 01:09 AM   #939
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Now...THAT...Is funny. Reheheheheheh!
Thank you, sir.

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Old 01-16-2013, 07:57 PM   #940
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Little boyand his parents go to a clothing optional beach. The little boy notices some of the women have bigger ..breasts than his mom and askes her about this. She tells him , " The bigger the breasts, the dumber the woman."

He then notices some of the men .....are bigger than his dad. He asks his mom about this also. She replies, " The bigger the......man, the dumber the man."

Little while later, the little boy tells his mom, " Dad is talking to the dumbest woman on the beach, and the more he talks, the dumber he gets."

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