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The Official CT Joke Duel Page

 
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Old 12-16-2012, 05:25 PM   #901
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Oh no, that last one is awful. Funny but awful.
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Old 12-17-2012, 09:15 PM   #902
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Wow!
I just mixed LSD and a birth control pill.
Took a trip without the kids....
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:54 PM   #903
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the

reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I

would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for

Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

* *

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all

fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the

time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to

get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you

something you can go outside and play with.*

Merry Christmas,*

Santa Claus***

* *

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract,

set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to

granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this

joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at

my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit

trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

* *

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria,

need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it

a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,

well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been

on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be

more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I

alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social

skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the

bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

* *

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was

attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends

into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys

and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console,

my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

* *

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on

one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees

you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar,

genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your

[bleep] wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people

that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll

all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you

asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in

you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

* *

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.

Timmy

* *

Timmy,

That’s what I thought, you little bastard.

Santa
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Old 12-18-2012, 08:23 PM   #904
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Q. If everyone in the US drove pink cars what would you have?

A. A pink carnation.
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Old 12-19-2012, 08:10 PM   #905
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Okay, what did I miss??
Maybe I need to google the word car...na...tion.

Ooo......kay, I get it!








I think.Car + nation

Kinda like Obamanation. Got it!
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Old 12-19-2012, 11:42 PM   #906
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by boman47k View Post
Okay, what did I miss??
Maybe I need to google the word car...na...tion.

Ooo......kay, I get it!








I think.Car + nation

Kinda like Obamanation. Got it!
Thanks for the help
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Old 12-22-2012, 03:37 PM   #907
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Think you got a rough life?

Imagine being a d***.
Hair is a mess.
Family is nuts.
Neighbor is an ^^^hole.
Best friend is a P****.
And his owner beats him.
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Old 12-22-2012, 03:47 PM   #908
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called "Cojones de Toro",.... bull testicles from the bull fight this morning. A mucho grande delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order..'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.......Sometimes, the bull wins'.
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Old 12-24-2012, 05:29 PM   #909
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was sleeping with Socrates wife.
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Old 12-27-2012, 08:54 PM   #910
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‎4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids. The first guy said, "my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line mercedes for christmas. The second guy said, "damn, thats terrific! my son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a christmas gift! the third man said. "well thats terrific! my son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionair*e. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion! the 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations* for? one of the three guys said, "were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... "wat about ur son?" they asked the 4th guy. the fourth man replied, " my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, " thats a shame...what a disappointment.* The fourth man replied. " nah, im not ashamed hes my son and i love him..and he hasnt done too badly either. Just this Áhristmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line mercedes from his 3 boyfriends.
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Old 12-28-2012, 09:35 AM   #911
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The morning after the party of the gods, Thor the God of thunder opened his eyes and looked around the Parthenon. Naked bodies and wine glasses littered the floor. As he picked up his mighty hammer and started to the door he notices a beautiful golden haired creature that he had'nt seen that night at the orgy. He strolls over to the maiden as she sat up and started gathering her clothes, "I'm Thor" he announced.
She lifted her big blue eyes to the thunder lord and said, "Your Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thand up."
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Old 12-29-2012, 05:37 PM   #912
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The Love Dress...


A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.
He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.


When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights,
put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.
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Old 01-03-2013, 06:23 PM   #913
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull.

The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.

John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, the Banker returned to see if the vet had helped. John really looked very pleased.

"The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

"Wow," said The Banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied John.

"What kind of pills?" asked The Banker

"I don't know, but they've got a peppermint taste.
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Old 01-06-2013, 04:02 AM   #914
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


How do we know Jesus drove a Chevy?

He walked everywhere he went
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Old 01-06-2013, 12:05 PM   #915
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Quote:
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How do we know Jesus drove a Chevy?

He walked everywhere he went
Chevrolegs!
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Old 01-06-2013, 12:26 PM   #916
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


what do yopu call a deer with no eyes ?
no idea
what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs ?
still no idea
what do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and no d*ck ?
still no fu*kin idea
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Old 01-07-2013, 06:05 PM   #917
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


‎1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level.

SO, REMEMBER ...

6. FISHING is good for your health and soul,

And may the Good Lord cleanse your FILTHY Mind!
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Old 01-07-2013, 08:46 PM   #918
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The Official CT joke duel page-picsplay_1357609511955.jpg
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Old 01-10-2013, 09:16 PM   #919
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Genie tells aguy he will grant him one wish.

Guy says, " I wish to live forever."

The genies says, "Sorry, we cannot grant eternal life."

Guy replies, " Okay, I want to live until congress gets it's head out of it's a**."

To which the genie replies, " You crafty bastid!"
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Old 01-11-2013, 10:00 AM   #920
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He
acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
be an optical Aleutian .



3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.



4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.



5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.



6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.



7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.



8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking
into it.



10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the
other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'



13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.



14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'



15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.



16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.



17. A backward poet writes inverse.



18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.



19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.



20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .



21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess
looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
passenger.'



22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says,
'Dam!'



23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.



24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other
says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'



25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.



26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at
least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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