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The Official CT Joke Duel Page

 
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Old 10-07-2012, 12:21 AM   #861
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


This is a bit rude but.

What do you call a blond with a runny nose?

Full!
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Old 10-10-2012, 05:01 PM   #862
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of
Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized
it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and
blow out our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship
to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly
sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming
to the safety of the shore.

The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and
told the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before
they reach the shore"

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to
follow him."Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".
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Old 10-10-2012, 06:42 PM   #863
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Harold stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Harold?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
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Old 10-10-2012, 07:07 PM   #864
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


bob and Jim are having a great day fishing. look down and notice there's only 2 beers left. "One more cast Jim we're out of beer"

Jim feels something on the end of the line and reels in what looks like an old genie lamp. Jim decides to rub the lamp and what do you know but a genie appears. "For freeing me from captivity I grant you one wish" says the Genie. "We've had such a good day until the beer ran out I wish the whole lake was full of beer" says Jim. Poof, no sooner said than done.

"you're an idiot" says Bob, "now we're going to have to p1ss in the boat!"

Badabum
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Old 10-14-2012, 06:18 PM   #865
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Uh oh, I guess that last one was a bit much huh? Sorry if I offended anyone.
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Old 10-19-2012, 07:43 AM   #866
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a quest
ion?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag. "So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."
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Old 10-26-2012, 09:26 AM   #867
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


I was in this very ritsy uptown resturant and I noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons sticking out of their jacket pocket. I finally asked one of them when he was coming by what the deal was with the spoons.

He looked down his nose at me and said,"Sir, our studies have shown that the spoon is the most commonly dropped utinsile and should you drop yours, I would have your replacement utinsile right here on hand.

As he was talking to me I also noticed that he had a small cord attached to his pants zipper. I was impressed with the effincency of the spoons and had to ask about the cord.

He looked annoyed to have to answer another question but said,"Sir, when we go to relieve ourselves we use this cord to lower and raise or trouser zippers as to keep out hands clean.

I asked but how do you , um...handle yourself without your hands?

He looked around quickly and leaned closer and said, "I dont know about these other fellows, But I have these two spoons.....
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Old 10-26-2012, 01:12 PM   #868
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


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Old 10-26-2012, 06:47 PM   #869
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A man and his wife are sitting at dinner. The wife asks her husband for a breast enlargement. The husband tells her to rub them with toilet paper. The confused wife asks why toilet paper? Husband says it did wonders for your a$$!!
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Old 10-26-2012, 06:48 PM   #870
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
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Old 10-28-2012, 05:57 PM   #871
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Weather seems to be a topic today

Big indian chief needs his braves to go out and collect firewood for the winter. When they arrive back they ask if they have collected enough wood for the winter. Big chief says he'll call the weather dept to find out what sort of a winter is coming

The weather dept says they believe that the upcoming winter will be quite cold. Big chief tells the braves to collect more wood. When they come back they again ask the chief if they have collected enough wood. Again the big chief calls the weather dept. This time they predict a severe winter. Big chief tells his braves to collect more wood.

When they return he calls the weather dept who this time tells him they're predicting record setting cold temperatures. Big chief says "hey you guys keep changing your prediction, how do you even know what sort of winter we're going to have?" "Oh well you should see how much fire wood the indians are collecting"
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Old 10-29-2012, 08:02 PM   #872
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Young boy on a farm left the field for breakfast. On his way to the house he kicked the cow, the pig and the chicken. When he saw the bowl of dried cereal, he asked his mother, " What's this?"

She replied, " You kicked the pig, no bacon. You kicked the cow, no milk. You kicked the chicken, no eggs."

About that time his daddy came in. As he started to sit down in the chiar, he kicked the cat out of the way.

The boy looked at his mother and said, " You wanna tell him, or do you want me to?"

Hope this doe snot cross any lines.
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Old 11-04-2012, 10:58 AM   #873
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Old 11-04-2012, 11:21 AM   #874
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A male patient is lying in bed in hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back
the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....



A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?"
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Old 11-04-2012, 12:03 PM   #875
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While we're on the subject of hospitals...

The doctor enters the examining room to find a stunningly gorgeous woman waiting wering only the hospital gown.

He walks over and begins his exam, after a few minutes he asks her to lower the gown and begins massaging the most exquisite pair of breasts he's ever seen.

"do you know what I'm doing?" he asks

"yes doctor, checking for breast cancer"

Seeing that she seems to trust him he takes it a step further and asks her to lower her gown right to the floor. He begins to caress her nether regions

"do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks her

"yes doctor, checking for cervical cancer"

He's so excited that he can't stop himself and tells her to turn around and bend over. He lowers his pants and.....

"do you know what I'm doing now?"

"yes doctor, getting gonorrhea, that's why i booked this appointment"
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Old 11-04-2012, 01:51 PM   #876
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


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Old 11-06-2012, 09:38 AM   #877
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
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Old 11-06-2012, 07:18 PM   #878
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The Presidential and the Vice-Presidential candidates were on an airplane flying to a debate.

Barack Obama looked at Mitt Romney, chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a $1000 bill out of the window right now and make someone very happy."

Mitt Romney shrugged his shoulders and replied, "I could throw 10 - $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Just then Paul Ryan looked at Joe Biden and added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred - $10 out of the window and make one hundred people very happy."

Listening to the conversation, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big buck talk back there...I could throw all four of them out of the window and make 256 million people very happy."

I am voting for the pilot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 11-06-2012, 07:41 PM   #879
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What happens when you play country music backwards?

Dog and wife come back home, you get your truck back and mom gets out of prison.

So many pages, if this is a repeat, excuse me.
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Old 11-06-2012, 09:55 PM   #880
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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of
dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend
all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't hunted in years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going
to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

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