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The Official CT Joke Duel Page

 
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Old 08-21-2012, 10:59 PM   #821
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Quote:
Morning coffee..
Double...Mocha... Espresso...?

D.
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Old 08-21-2012, 11:18 PM   #822
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Quote:
Originally Posted by donerightwyo View Post
I don't know how to feel after looking at that.
Hershey squirts
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Old 08-21-2012, 11:36 PM   #823
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If ya like hot chocolate...

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Old 08-21-2012, 11:40 PM   #824
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Gives a new meaning to the phrase "A hot mess".
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Old 08-22-2012, 04:43 AM   #825
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Resta View Post
Morning coffee..
thats just soooo wrong in many ways

but still cute!
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Old 08-22-2012, 08:07 PM   #826
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


two girls, one cup... of coffee!?
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Old 08-22-2012, 08:21 PM   #827
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by Brutus
two girls, one cup... of coffee!?
Ahhhh, you suck...
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Old 08-23-2012, 04:13 AM   #828
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


I ended up with an older woman at the club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60 yr old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, well alot. We had a snuggle and she asked me if I ever had a "sportsman's double?" What's that I asked. It's a mother daughter threesome, she said. Oh, as my mind began to embrace the idea. No I haven't, as my mind began to wonder what this daughter of hers might look like.

We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. We walked in. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "mom, you still awake?"
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Old 08-24-2012, 03:35 AM   #829
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A man went to the doctor’s office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a triple dose.

“Why not?” asked the man.

“Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor.

“But I need it really bad,” said the man.

“Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor.

The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I’ve got to have a triple dose!”

The doctor finally relented saying, “All right, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office…his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, “Good Gawd! What happened to you?”

The man said, “No one showed up.”
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Old 08-24-2012, 04:09 AM   #830
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


First year students at Texas A&M's Veternary school were attending their first Anatomy class, with a real dead pig.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a White sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor".

The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, Stuck
his finger in the butt of the dead pig, withdrew it and stuck his Finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his Students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead pig and sucking on it.


When everyone finished sucking, the Professor looked at them and said, "The Second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle Finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention.."
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Old 08-27-2012, 07:57 PM   #831
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Last night on a plane back home from Dallas, I was sitting with a friend
I've known for many years, talking about church and a whole lot of
political things. Being a US Congressman, Louie visits a lot of
different churches in the area throughout the year and he told me of
what happened in a local church on this past Easter that made me roll
with laughter, to the point of tears.

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children
to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had
them sit around him.

He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful.
Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what
the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what
the resurrection is".

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When
you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was
so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but
that little boy's voice won't be.
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Old 08-27-2012, 08:09 PM   #832
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


So i send the wife to Cox for a searsucker suit, She goes to Sears!!.
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Old 09-01-2012, 05:06 PM   #833
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
'Hello.'

I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed
the last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down
with the word 'asshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.

One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled
that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,
'Yes, it is.'

I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house
and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,
'What's your name?'

He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'

I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.....

I called asshole #1.

He said,
'Hello'

I said,
'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
'Are you still there?'

I said,
'Yeah!'

He screamed,
'Stop calling me'

I said,
'Make me.'

He asked,
'Who are you?'

I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said,
'Hello?'

I said,
'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are.....'

I said,
'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass!'

I answered,
'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover!

Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down on Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax . . . I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.

I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other . . . in front of
six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter, and surrounded by a news crew!!!

NOW . . . I feel much better!

Anger management really does work !!!
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Old 09-01-2012, 05:38 PM   #834
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


My wife is always shopping for things She does not need.

Take the other day for instance.

She comes home with a bag from Her fav. designer store and pulls
out a brand new bra. So, I tell Her why do You even wear bras' with
boobies as small as Yours?

She says well, why do You wear under ware?
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Old 09-03-2012, 09:55 PM   #835
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


What does the N on Nebraska football helmets stand for?













Knowledge
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Old 09-05-2012, 12:38 AM   #836
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Quote:
Originally Posted by donerightwyo View Post
What does the N on Nebraska football helmets stand for?













Knowledge
http://www.suntimes.com/sports/colle...-burkhead.html
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Old 09-05-2012, 12:26 PM   #837
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The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh God! I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."

The nun had to leave the room.
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Old 09-09-2012, 08:51 PM   #838
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A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding he died as we were checking into our honey moon hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."



"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."
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Old 09-10-2012, 11:41 AM   #839
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Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so , I sat down and had a
couple nice cold "Silver Bullets . "
The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep
thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful
than getting kicked in the Nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up
with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is
the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice
to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like
another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Cased Closed!
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Old 09-11-2012, 05:14 PM   #840
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A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

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