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The Official CT Joke Duel Page

 
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Old 07-12-2009, 04:27 PM   #21
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Guy goes to the doctor to have some test's done. At his return appointment the doc says I have some bad news. You have ten to live.

Guy say's ten month's ten week's ? Doc say's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6...................
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Old 07-12-2009, 04:45 PM   #22
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Two guys go hiking in the woods, while jumping over a log a snake jumps up and bites one on the penis. He goes down and is paralyze from the bite.

The other guy tells his friend not to worry he will go back to town and find a doc and figure out what to do.

Guy runs back to town and explains to the local doctor what happened.

Doc says you have to make an incision in the penis and suck the poison out for your friend to live.

Guy runs back to his friend who is laying there in agony. His friend ask what did the doc say?

His reply? Dude the doctor said your gonna die
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Old 07-12-2009, 05:01 PM   #23
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a ****, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".

The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I **** like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
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Old 07-12-2009, 05:16 PM   #24
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Two guys sitting at a bar betting on who has the ugliest old lady. So they go to the first guy's house. Yep she's ugly, let's go to my house. When they arrive she is in the basement.

"Honey would you come up here"

"Sure do you want me to put the bag over my head ?"

"Nah I don't wanna do ya, I wanna show you off !!!!!!!!
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Old 07-12-2009, 06:46 PM   #25
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Mary and Janice had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

Janice had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Mary however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home..

The next day Mary’s husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. Mary came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said Bob, 'Janice came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''
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Old 07-12-2009, 06:48 PM   #26
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.
Mary stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Bob, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his
Scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could
Help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor
Bob must have experienced.

"Bob was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to
Piece together the crushed remnants of Bob's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they im agined the
Horrible surgery performed on Bob.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice,"thank the Lord, Bob is out of the hospital and the doctors
Say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something
To say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Bob."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
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Old 07-12-2009, 06:57 PM   #27
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt.
bartender asked," whats with the steering wheel."
Pirate replys, " ARRR, its driving me nuts."
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Old 07-12-2009, 06:58 PM   #28
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition." Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her." "I'll take you." "Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks." "I want you." So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her p--sy and one finger in her butt. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."
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Old 07-12-2009, 08:13 PM   #29
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


There was this old married couple, been marries for almost 70 years, The wife being a bit prudish never got used to the term "making love" so the husband would use the term "washing machine"
One night the husband nudges the wife and whispers "washing machine"
she pays him no attention, so he tries again and then again and then one more time for good luck. The wife refuses him every time. The husband then gets up to use the bathroom. While he is gone his wife has a change of heart.
Hubby comes back to bed and as he is settling in for the night the wife says "washing machine", he doesn't even acknowledge her comment. The wife tries once more, and then again and on her final try the husband rolls over and tells her not tonight Honey, it was a small load and I did it by hand............
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Old 07-12-2009, 08:18 PM   #30
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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Old 07-12-2009, 08:32 PM   #31
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Guy walks into a pharmacy and asks the girl if there is anything she can give him for a perpetual erection. She says that she'll have to ask the pharmacist. She returns momentarily and says "The pharmacist said she'll give you $25,000 aqnd the drug store."
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Old 07-12-2009, 08:46 PM   #32
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


There's a United Nations plane filled with delegates flying over the North Atlantic.

It starts to run low on fuel. In an effort to extend the range the passengers throw out the baggage. It's not enough, so they throw out the seats. The fuel situation gets worse and worse.

The German goes to the door, shouts "Long live the Fatherland" and leaps out.

The Englishman goes to the door, shouts "God save the Queen" and leaps out.

The Frenchman goes to the door, shouts "Vive la France", and leaps out.

The American, from Texas, goes to the door and shouts "Remember the Alamo" and throws out the Mexican.
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Old 07-12-2009, 11:34 PM   #33
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The old native American wanted a loan


The old native American wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put in tepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"
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Old 07-12-2009, 11:40 PM   #34
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Women Are Evil By Nature...
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, handsoap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'
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Old 07-13-2009, 09:26 AM   #35
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A salty sailor was stumbling down the pier back to his ship when hooker called out to him "hey sailor when was the last time you got laid?"

"Oh about nineteen fiftyfive"

"Ya want some?"

"Nah its only twentyone thirty now"
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Old 07-13-2009, 11:29 AM   #36
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


these are pretty funny!
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Old 07-13-2009, 11:57 AM   #37
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Why did the BLONDE get fired from the M&M factory???

She kept throwing away all the W's
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Old 07-13-2009, 12:11 PM   #38
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


-------------

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

-------------

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

-------------

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
'Is ANYTHING all right?'

-------------

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He says, "Mom, look - I'm a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father." He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look Dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother." The boy goes into his grandmother's room and say, "Mira, Abuelita, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See, did you learn anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!"

--------------

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

--------------

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

--------------

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

--------------

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"

"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"

"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall leprechaun out of his shirt pocket.

The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"

"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three-inch tall man supped back his whiskey.

"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"

With that the guy flips a coin down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.

"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"

"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor an arsehole."

--------------

The internet really makes this easy


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Old 07-13-2009, 01:35 PM   #39
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Jewish american princess's ideal dream house ?

5000 sq. ft. no kitchen, no master bedroom.............




What do you call 50 white men following a black man ?

PGA tournament...

Don't give me any of that racism stuff bro's..............
I like all jokes.......................
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Old 07-13-2009, 04:22 PM   #40
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Why don't women drink beer at the beach?




They might get sand in their schlitz.

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