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The Official CT Joke Duel Page

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Unread 02-14-2020, 10:46 PM   #2541
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


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Unread 02-28-2020, 11:00 AM   #2542
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Priest is walking down the street one day, and comes across this boy playing on the sidewalk.

As he gets closer, he sees that he is dropping some liquid on ants, and watching them explode.

Priest walks up him, says "What you got there, son?" Kid says, "It's sulphuric acid. See this, I can make these ants disappear just by putting a drop of this stuff on them".

Priest thinks maybe the kid should have a better past time, so he pulls a little vial of his own liquid out of his pocket, and offers the kid a trade.

Kids says, "What's that?"

Priest says, "It's Holy Water!"

Kid says, "Well, what'll it do?"

Priest gets thoughtful a moment, and says, "Well, one time, there was this woman in very difficult labor. We thought she might even die. I came in, and placed a few drops of this on the woman's belly, and shortly after, she passed that baby with no problem at all. It's very powerful stuff."

Kids says "Really? I put 2 drops of this on cat's ass, and he passed a motorcycle!"



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Unread 03-30-2020, 01:16 PM   #2543
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


I think we heard this already in a different way but.....

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes
her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"
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Unread 04-01-2020, 09:01 PM   #2544
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


What's the difference between a prostitute and alimony? With the prostitute, you pay and you get the piece of tail. With alimony, you still pay but someone else gets the piece of tail.
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Unread 04-27-2020, 06:34 PM   #2545
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The Haircut

Blessed are those that can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week. ’

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week. ’

The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week. ’

The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


As Ronald Reagan said: "Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often and for the same reason. ”
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Unread 05-06-2020, 08:51 PM   #2546
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up 30 minutes late.

The one who's been waiting asks his partner: "What kept you?"

"I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tire."

"A Coke bottle in the road? Didn't you see it?"

"The kid had it under his coat."
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Unread 05-06-2020, 08:51 PM   #2547
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


“Last night, I was sitting on the sofa watching TV, when I heard my wife in the kitchen ask: ‘What would you like for dinner, sweetheart: chicken, beef or lamb?’”

“I think I’d like chicken, dear,” I replied.

“You’re having soup, numbnuts. I was talking to the dog.”
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Unread 05-07-2020, 05:02 PM   #2548
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Well, I'm in the hospital. This has not been a good day. After spending the last 2 1/2 months quarantined inside the house, limited contact with my family or friends since mid March... enough is enough. So I decided to go for a motorcycle ride with a good friend. Something I haven't done since last fall. It turned out to be a horrible mistake! I got on the motorcycle and we started out slowly, but then it got crazy windy. We went faster and faster and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the that bike could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my pants on the foot peg beside the crash bar. I was being dragged and was bouncing all over the place. The motorcycle just would not stop!
Thankfully the manager at Dollar General came running out and unplugged the machine. Then he actually had the nerve to take the rest of my quarters and my bottle of vodka so I wouldn't try to ride the damn fire truck or clown car.
I have a few scrapes and bruises but nothing's broken. I will wear leather and a helmet next time. The helmet was suggested by the doctor and I only have to stay in here for the mandatory 72 hours required by the mental health people.

How many of you actually read what I wrote? If you did, copy and paste for someone else to get a laugh! We certainly need a little humor these days.

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Unread 05-07-2020, 07:01 PM   #2549
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by dayexco View Post
Well, I'm in the hospital. This has not been a good day. After spending the last 2 1/2 months quarantined inside the house, limited contact with my family or friends since mid March... enough is enough. So I decided to go for a motorcycle ride with a good friend. Something I haven't done since last fall. It turned out to be a horrible mistake! I got on the motorcycle and we started out slowly, but then it got crazy windy. We went faster and faster and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the that bike could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my pants on the foot peg beside the crash bar. I was being dragged and was bouncing all over the place. The motorcycle just would not stop!
Thankfully the manager at Dollar General came running out and unplugged the machine. Then he actually had the nerve to take the rest of my quarters and my bottle of vodka so I wouldn't try to ride the damn fire truck or clown car.
I have a few scrapes and bruises but nothing's broken. I will wear leather and a helmet next time. The helmet was suggested by the doctor and I only have to stay in here for the mandatory 72 hours required by the mental health people.

How many of you actually read what I wrote? If you did, copy and paste for someone else to get a laugh! We certainly need a little humor these days.

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
You actually had me until I got to the part about going as fast as the bike could go.

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk
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Unread 05-07-2020, 08:29 PM   #2550
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Good one Gene , have not had such a good laugh in a while.
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Unread 05-18-2020, 11:01 AM   #2551
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For some time, many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

Now through the marvel of the internet, I'm able to fill in this info at last.

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children:
Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt
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Unread 05-22-2020, 03:11 PM   #2552
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Why did Ken never get Barbie pregnant?

He came in a different box.
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Unread 06-09-2020, 02:38 PM   #2553
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'
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Unread 06-09-2020, 08:08 PM   #2554
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Confucius Say: Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.



Confucius Say: Woman who put husband in doghouse, very soon find him in cathouse.



Confucius Say: Game of baseball all wrong. Man who have 4 balls cannot walk.



Confucius Say: Man who goes through airport security sideways, going to Bangkok.



Confucius Say: Man who walk around with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.








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Unread 06-09-2020, 08:11 PM   #2555
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his bandsaw?


He got a little behind in his work.
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Unread 06-15-2020, 05:17 PM   #2556
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You know Jesus was a Ford man, because he was always walking.
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Unread 06-15-2020, 06:30 PM   #2557
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rescraft View Post
You know Jesus was a Ford man, because he was always walking.
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Unread 06-27-2020, 04:26 PM   #2558
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


AN ELEPHANT NEVER FORGETS, BUT SOME STUFF WE SHOULD JUST FORGET ABOUT

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Apparently wasn't the same elephant.
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Unread Today, 06:09 PM   #2559
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Not really a joke but....

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied,

"I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too..?"

The little girl replied,

"I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the ****ing drywall”
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Unread Today, 06:13 PM   #2560
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


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