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The Official CT Joke Duel Page

 
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Old 01-04-2019, 05:50 PM   #2441
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Great stuff! ^^^
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Old 01-05-2019, 02:55 PM   #2442
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


"I'm not gay, but my husband is"
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Old 01-05-2019, 02:59 PM   #2443
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


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Old 01-05-2019, 06:54 PM   #2444
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
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Joke
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Old 01-07-2019, 05:22 PM   #2445
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


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Old 01-12-2019, 09:19 AM   #2446
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


The Official CT joke duel page-bq-5c39a28ecb43f.jpeg
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Old 01-13-2019, 06:26 PM   #2447
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Old 01-17-2019, 05:15 AM   #2448
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


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Old 01-17-2019, 03:07 PM   #2449
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page




Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G891A using Tapatalk

Last edited by cedarboarder; 01-17-2019 at 03:10 PM.
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Old 01-18-2019, 12:53 PM   #2450
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


...An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.
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Old 01-18-2019, 11:08 PM   #2451
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...
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Old 01-18-2019, 11:44 PM   #2452
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Old 01-22-2019, 07:56 PM   #2453
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well,you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,'she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

______________________________ __



I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah,she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

______________________________

_



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept

staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes",she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My Gosh!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating

that long?"

And then the fight started...

______________________________ __



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.



When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________



My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

______________________________ __



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2

seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.....

______________________________



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social

Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

disability too.'

And then the fight started...

______________________________ __



My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a

compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started.......

______________________________ __



I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
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Old 01-25-2019, 11:17 PM   #2454
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Jerry Clower
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Old 01-28-2019, 01:00 PM   #2455
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop...imingPixel.png “I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
“What’s for dinner honey?”
No answer. He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH ****ING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”
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Old 02-05-2019, 11:19 AM   #2456
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


..

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Old 02-18-2019, 05:51 PM   #2457
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Electric sink?
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Old 02-21-2019, 08:36 PM   #2458
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


When I die, I want to go quietly like my grandfather did--not screaming like his passengers on the bus did.
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Old 02-21-2019, 09:00 PM   #2459
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Quote:
Originally Posted by Snobnd View Post
Electric sink?
Part of the New Green Deal
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Old 02-22-2019, 06:40 AM   #2460
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Re: The Official CT Joke Duel Page


Dave ain't here man
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