JOKES By 21gun - Off Topic (Non Trade) - Contractor Talk

JOKES By 21gun

 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 08-05-2009, 09:45 AM   #1
Pro
 
21gun's Avatar
 
Trade: carpenter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Cullman, AL
Posts: 255
Rewards Points: 250

JOKES By 21gun


so, 2 guys were in a gargage talking when the bible came up, one was a christian and the other guy believed in evolution and that we came from critters out of the ocean or some crap.

After a long and heated debate about how we really came into exhistance the christian guy said

"ya know what happened just the other day.... i came out to the garage and the lights were all off and i bumped into a shelf and one of my coffee cans full of old nuts and blots fell off and rolled under the car....spilling nearly everything in the can. i had to turn on the lights and back the car up to clean up the mess, when i got out of the car to my amazment the spilled junk had collected together to form a perfect Rolex watch, with not a nut or bolt to spare and it keeps perfect time."

the nonbeliever said, "The hell you say."

The christian replied, " Ditto on your therory."
__________________
carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.
21gun is offline  

Warning: The topics covered on this site include activities in which there exists the potential for serious injury or death. ContractorTalk.com DOES NOT guarantee the accuracy or completeness of any information contained on this site. Always use proper safety precaution and reference reliable outside sources before attempting any construction or remodeling task!

   

Advertisement

 

Old 08-05-2009, 09:53 AM   #2
Pro
 
21gun's Avatar
 
Trade: carpenter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Cullman, AL
Posts: 255
Rewards Points: 250

Re: JOKES By 21gun


A guy sits down at a bar and see's a big sign that says, "You could win $5,000.00... Curious, he ask the bartender about the sign. Bartender says, You could win $5,000.00. So guy says, How do i win it? Bartender says, you have to drink a gallon of wiskey. Guy says, Oh. Then asks for a beer. Guy sips on beer for a few minutes. Then asks bartender again, Is that all? Bartender says no. Guy asks, then what else do i have to do? Bartender says, See that really big guy at the end of the bar? That's Joe Bob. You gotta knock ol Joe Bob off his barstool. Guy says, Oh. Sipps his beer some more and asks the bartender again.... Is that all? Bartender says No. So guy asks him What else do i have to do? BArtender says, We have an alligator out back with a bad tooth ache. You have to go pull the bad tooth. Guy says, Oh, hell. Sippin his beer and looking intently at the $5,000.00 figure on the sign. Then asks the bartender again... IS that all? Bartender says no. Guy says, well then what else do i have to do? Bartender says, Well, i have a sister upstairs. She has never been with a man because she is so heavy and has only one arm and one eye. You have to go up there and satisfy her twice. Guy says, Holy crap man... all that for $5,000.00? That's just too much...But is that all i have to do? Bartender snickers and says, Yeah, kid, thats all. Guy asks for another beer and sipps on it a while then stands up and says, BArtender, give me a gallon of wiskey! Bartender says, if you want a gallon of wiskey you have to pay for it. Guy says ok and pays the bartender. Guy, sits down, looks back at the sign, and puts his head down on the bar. Pauses a second and stands back up, turns up the gallon of wiskey, drinks the whole thing down in one shot, jumps up on the bar runs at Joe Bob, hollers to him and when he looks up he knocks Joe Bob out with one punch. Staggers back to the bartender and asks where is the alligator? Bartender takes the guy to the back door, pushes him out and locks the door behind the guy. The guy's out there for hours, bangin and gnashin, screaming and bangin, Guys clawin at the door, beggin, Let me in.... Bartender lets him in, he's a bloody mess, sweatin, twitchin, huffin and puffin, Guy now drunk as hell looks up at the $5,000.00 sign and says.... Alright bartender.... Where's this big fat broad with a bad tooth?

Advertisement

__________________
carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.
21gun is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to 21gun For This Useful Post:
essrmo (08-08-2009)
Old 08-05-2009, 09:56 AM   #3
Pro
 
21gun's Avatar
 
Trade: carpenter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Cullman, AL
Posts: 255
Rewards Points: 250

Re: JOKES By 21gun


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an ***hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '***hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ***hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '***hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ***hole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first ***hole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW ***hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"He said, "Yes, it is" I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an ***hole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two ***holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called ***hole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an ***hole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "***hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ***hole," and hung up.

Then I called ***hole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, ***hole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ***," I answered, "Well, ***hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two ***holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work
__________________
carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.
21gun is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to 21gun For This Useful Post:
Cdat (08-05-2009), corian27 (08-05-2009), HusqyPro (08-05-2009), jtpro (08-05-2009), Mitch M (08-05-2009), strathd (08-05-2009), tommytwo (08-06-2009), user38755 (08-05-2009), WarriorWithWood (08-08-2009)
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 08-05-2009, 09:59 AM   #4
Pro
 
21gun's Avatar
 
Trade: carpenter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Cullman, AL
Posts: 255
Rewards Points: 250

Re: JOKES By 21gun


Job at FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two
men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you
will find your wife sitting in a chair . Kill her!!" The man said,
"You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said,
"Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go
home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out
with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent
said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened
slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This
gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with
the chair."



So err, you should like keep the wife happy Eh?
__________________
carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.
21gun is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to 21gun For This Useful Post:
HusqyPro (08-05-2009)
Old 08-05-2009, 10:02 AM   #5
Pro
 
21gun's Avatar
 
Trade: carpenter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Cullman, AL
Posts: 255
Rewards Points: 250

Re: JOKES By 21gun


A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."



What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."


"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm
fine now."


"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"


"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."


"What about that eye patch?"


"Oh, one day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up
and one of them badword in my eye."


"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just
from bird s**t."


"It was my first day with the hook.
__________________
carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.
21gun is offline  
Old 08-05-2009, 10:05 AM   #6
Pro
 
21gun's Avatar
 
Trade: carpenter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Cullman, AL
Posts: 255
Rewards Points: 250

Re: JOKES By 21gun


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the
cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
__________________
carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.
21gun is offline  
Old 08-05-2009, 10:09 AM   #7
Pro
 
21gun's Avatar
 
Trade: carpenter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Cullman, AL
Posts: 255
Rewards Points: 250

Re: JOKES By 21gun


A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have a 22-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver".

The doctor said, "My point exactly"
__________________
carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.
21gun is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to 21gun For This Useful Post:
essrmo (08-08-2009), JohnJ0906 (08-09-2009), jtpro (08-05-2009)
Old 08-05-2009, 10:10 AM   #8
Pro
 
21gun's Avatar
 
Trade: carpenter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Cullman, AL
Posts: 255
Rewards Points: 250

Re: JOKES By 21gun


A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?"
__________________
carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.
21gun is offline  
Old 08-05-2009, 10:13 AM   #9
Pro
 
21gun's Avatar
 
Trade: carpenter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Cullman, AL
Posts: 255
Rewards Points: 250

Re: JOKES By 21gun


characters in the aforementioned jokes are fictional... any resemblences to members of CT is purely and certainly no accident.
__________________
carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.
21gun is offline  
Old 08-05-2009, 10:32 AM   #10
 
Cdat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,633
Rewards Points: 2,000

Re: JOKES By 21gun


WTF, does any of this have to do with contracting? WTF is up with all the junk threads in here lately? There is a section for this junk...er....stuff. It is called OT, Off TOPIC.
Cdat is offline  
Old 08-05-2009, 10:33 AM   #11
Pro
 
Nathan's Avatar
 
Trade: Founder of Contractor Talk
Join Date: Jul 2003
Posts: 8,606
Rewards Points: 2,000

Re: JOKES By 21gun


Moved to off topic
__________________
Nathan
Nathan is offline  
Old 08-05-2009, 10:42 AM   #12
 
Cdat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,633
Rewards Points: 2,000

Re: JOKES By 21gun


Now that is service! Within 1 minute of my post, the Big Guy moves it.


...don't mess with me. I have connections...
Cdat is offline  
Old 08-05-2009, 11:00 AM   #13
Pro
 
21gun's Avatar
 
Trade: carpenter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Cullman, AL
Posts: 255
Rewards Points: 250

Re: JOKES By 21gun


guilty yer honor. sorry, got outta hand.... cdat caught me and now i feel like i've been put in the corner... thats ok... familiar with it i guess..... sorry cdat....
__________________
carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.
21gun is offline  
Old 08-05-2009, 11:05 AM   #14
 
Cdat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,633
Rewards Points: 2,000

Re: JOKES By 21gun


Quote:
Originally Posted by 21gun View Post
guilty yer honor. sorry, got outta hand.... cdat caught me and now i feel like i've been put in the corner... thats ok... familiar with it i guess..... sorry cdat....
No need to apologish to me. I liked your jokes. It's just frustrating that the main forum is flooded with topics that have nothing to do with our jobs. That's why I spam them. Hoping to get them moved to where they belong.
Cdat is offline  
Old 08-05-2009, 11:10 AM   #15
Pro
 
Nathan's Avatar
 
Trade: Founder of Contractor Talk
Join Date: Jul 2003
Posts: 8,606
Rewards Points: 2,000

Re: JOKES By 21gun


Quote:
Originally Posted by Cdat View Post
No need to apologish to me. I liked your jokes. It's just frustrating that the main forum is flooded with topics that have nothing to do with our jobs. That's why I spam them. Hoping to get them moved to where they belong.
Reporting posts by pressing the button works EVEN better
__________________
Nathan
Nathan is offline  
Old 08-05-2009, 11:19 AM   #16
Pro
 
21gun's Avatar
 
Trade: carpenter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Cullman, AL
Posts: 255
Rewards Points: 250

Re: JOKES By 21gun


nathan's like a hit man in the mafia, eh? good to see there's someone keeping an eye on all us jugheads tho. And u cdat are a good lil stool pigeon.... just kidding.

I love jokes, just wanted everyone to get a chance to read some of mine so they might share some new ones too. Where or is there a joke forum? Construction is alot about jokes and talkin S&&%%t... right or wrong at least that's what i think. I'm alot more likely to talk sh%t than real work until someone needs some help and asks for it. course i think i know it all too so always eager to please when asked for my 2 cents.
__________________
carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.
21gun is offline  
Old 08-05-2009, 01:00 PM   #17
 
Cdat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,633
Rewards Points: 2,000

Re: JOKES By 21gun


Quote:
Originally Posted by Nathan View Post
Reporting posts by pressing the button works EVEN better
But then I feel like a whiney little tattle tail.
Cdat is offline  
Old 08-05-2009, 05:34 PM   #18
strat hd
 
strathd's Avatar
 
Trade: framing contractor , remodeler , GC occasionally
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NW Ohio
Posts: 1,695
Rewards Points: 1,000

Re: JOKES By 21gun


I usually don't like long jokes but that anger management joke was the best joke I have ever read.
strathd is offline  
Old 08-05-2009, 08:56 PM   #19
Pro
 
Mitch M's Avatar
 
Trade: General Contractor
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: NC
Posts: 498
Rewards Points: 250

Re: JOKES By 21gun


21gun, your jokes are pretty good but I gotta be honest. I see on your profile at this point you have 37 posts. Please do not tell me that you are trying to come up with 213 more posts just so that you get into the P & R?
Mitch M is offline  
Old 08-05-2009, 09:51 PM   #20
Lack Of All Trades
 
Darwin's Avatar
 
Trade: Construction & Home Improvement Services
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Southeast Michigan
Posts: 1,232
Rewards Points: 500

Re: JOKES By 21gun


good stuff, buddy

Advertisement

Darwin is offline  


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
my hazy front door gets nothing but jokes jerrykauf Painting & Finish Work 20 01-02-2011 09:16 AM
Quick Jokes Pete M Off Topic (Non Trade) 0 12-15-2007 09:37 PM
Quick Jokes Ron The Plumber Off Topic (Non Trade) 5 12-07-2007 09:17 PM
Construction Humor An Jokes!!! Ed the Roofer Off Topic (Non Trade) 11 09-21-2007 10:07 PM
Practical jokes and idiotic moves. 4thGeneration Painting & Finish Work 20 05-02-2007 10:22 PM

Join Now... It's Fast and FREE!

I am a professional contractor
I am a DIY Homeowner
Drywall Talk is for
PROFESSIONAL CONTRACTORS ONLY!

At DrywallTalk.com we cater exlusivly to professional contractors who make their living as a contractor. Knowing that many homeowners and DIYers are looking for a community to call home, we've created www.DIYChatroom.com DIY Chatroom is full of helpful advices and perfect for DIY homeowners.

Redirecing in 10 seconds
No Thanks
terms of service

Already Have an Account?