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Tool Definitions

 
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Old 03-03-2009, 12:24 AM   #1
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Tool Definitions


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh!#..."

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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Old 03-03-2009, 12:29 AM   #2
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Re: Tool Definitions


I laughed, I'll admit it.

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Old 03-03-2009, 12:33 AM   #3
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Old 03-03-2009, 07:22 AM   #4
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Re: Tool Definitions


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Old 03-03-2009, 07:30 AM   #5
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Re: Tool Definitions


That's funny.I have a similar list geared for plumbers that is tacked up by my work bench,I read it now and again for laughs.
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Old 03-03-2009, 07:35 AM   #6
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Re: Tool Definitions


I have a copy of that list, given to me the first day of aviation maintenance training many years ago. Notice the references to vertical stabilizer and aluminum.
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Old 03-03-2009, 10:33 AM   #7
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Re: Tool Definitions


An oldie but goodie!
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Old 03-03-2009, 06:41 PM   #8
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Re: Tool Definitions


That is great!

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Old 03-04-2009, 09:46 AM   #9
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Re: Tool Definitions


funny sometimes very true
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Old 05-14-2017, 11:18 PM   #10
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Re: Tool Definitions


That is hilarious. I've seen it before but it sounds like my guys.

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Old 05-15-2017, 01:44 AM   #11
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Re: Tool Definitions


Back from the dead.
Quote:
Originally Posted by go do it View Post
...HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes....
Amen.

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