Sideswipers Unite

mdshunk

Sidewipers Unite! I have some plumbing issues that I need to get off my chest. Things have gotten so complicated that I find myself having to think before, during, and after the most basic of bodily functions, and I've had enough.

Hark back to the good old days when an old guy like me could bash open the door of an airport men's room with his left hand, while fumbling furiously with his right at a zipper – this after a long flight. I lay my face upon the cool tiles, release quarts of backed-up misery, and sigh. Afterwards, I turn the two knobs for hot and cold, push the plunger for a bit of soap, wash up, and then stick my hands under that reliable old electric dryer. Press button. Rub hands lightly and rapidly. Turn nozzle upward to dry face. Life was so simple then.

Not anymore. We now have earth-friendly, waterless urinals, each smelling like a thousand sphincters and every one of them defying all laws of decency. And where we're still allowed to use water, we now have to face these electronic flushers that start and stop whenever they please, and often with a driving force of what seems like several hundred pounds per square inch behind them. If your chinos aren't wet going in, they will be on your way out. Oh, the horror of it all!

And then I go to wash my hands and there aren't any knobs to turn. I look at the spout, trying to figure out how this one works (there really should be standards), and I do the hand jive for a while, hoping the water will start, and it finally does. But then it stops after three seconds. So I have to wave again. And again. And there's some guy behind me, tapping his foot and looking at his watch.

A few months ago, I was in an airport somewhere in America, and I was doing the Holohan version of ASL in front of this cursed faucet, but nothing was happening – not a drop for this poor soul. And then a nice man, who was standing next to me, reached over and turned on the cold-water knob for me. "You have to. . . turn . . . this . . . to. . . make . . . the . . . water . . . come . . . out, sir," he said. And he smiled at me the way a normal person smiles at the village idiot. So I contorted my face like The Hunchback of Notre Dame and thanked him very much. You would have done the same.

And nearly gone are those wonderfully-simple electric hand dryers that save forests. In their place, we have either these high-velocity power-dryers that can rip the laces off your shoes, or these ridiculous towel dispensers that respond only to a wave of the hand. But wave where? More ASL required for these rotten contraptions, and all for a simple paper towel. These machines are supposed to protect us from germs, but do you have any idea how many people in America are smacking them with their filthy hands right now, and spitting on them? Talk about your germs.

So I stand and wave and it gives me, what, two inches of paper towel? For this I danced? So after the required waiting period, I wave again, and the stingy box dispenses another two inches of flimsy paper. I wave again, and I'm now up to six inches. I rip off these last inches and that jams the machine.

I wipe my hands on my chinos and try to leave, but I now find that I have to wave at the door to make it open. The horror! The horror!

But, in fairness, all of the new dispensers are not like that. I waved at one the other day in some other airport and at least eight feet of towel vomited out of that cursed machine. It went right down to the floor and kept on going.

I wiped my hands on my chinos.

And the toilets are no better. They, too, have electronic flushers now, each with a mind of its own, and each with what seems like 1,000-psi water pressure waiting in the pipes. These are America's new Surprise Bidets. And they're for men. Like it or not.

Which brings me to handicap toilets, which are wonderful for handicapped people, but not so good for guys like me. Not long ago, I stayed in a hotel in Kansas City. I was there to do a seminar for some nice folks, and at the hotel where I was staying, the young lady checked me into a handicap room because that was all she had available.

"I'm not handicapped," I said.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"I may be by the time I check out, though."

You see these toilets are several inches higher than a regular toilet, and when you get to be my age, that extra few inches can really mess with the human trigonometry. I sit and my feet dangle, barely touching the floor, and this causes my innards to silently protest and go into lock-down. And now, without the proper angles, there can be no purging of all that good K.C. cuisine. The days roll by and I am in exquisite pain because I am bound up and in Kansas City, where the telephone books are thin, and there is little hope for someone like me.

I was explaining this to a couple of nice guys from my seminar. We were two days into this event, and on a break, and my insides were starting to petrify. I mentioned this, and told about my eagle's nest of a toilet, and the peculiarities of older human anatomy when not presented with the proper trigonometry. I explained that if I am in a city like New York, I can get the phone book and the Yellow Pages from the night stand and use these as footrests. Both books are good and thick in New York City. "They correct the angles," I explained. "Your phone books are too thin for me, and this is why I'm suffering. And when I go to wipe," (and here I pantomime a lean to the left and a deft wipe) "I nearly fall off the perch and break my neck."

And this is when one of the guys gets this incredulous look on his face and says to me, "You're a side-wiper?"

"Huh?

"You wipe from the side?" And he makes the familiar motion with his right hand.

"Of course I do!" I said. "Is there another way?"

And one of the guys calls over to a third guy, "Hey, get over here. You're not going to believe this. Holohan's a side-wiper."

"You're kidding," the new guy says.

"No, he's not," I say. "How the heck do you guys wipe?"

"Through the center," one says, reaching down and through. "Wipe, drop, and done. No leaning. Leaning is ridiculous."

"And disgusting," another adds.

And then a few more join our group, and they all have a good laugh at my side-wiping expense. Center-wipers all.

"I don't think it's safe to pull all of that nasty stuff up toward my boys," I say, defensively.

"It gets nowhere near the boys if you do it right," one of the guys says. "Wipe and drop. I can't believe you're a side-wiper." And they all shake their heads and walk away, leaving me alone with my shame.

Now I'm never too old to learn, and there was such unanimous support for this heretofore-unknown concept of center-wiping that I figured I would give it a try in the privacy of my hotel bathroom, perched high atop my handicap toilet and after finally managing to purge my aching old body of some of its contents.

I wadded up a good handful of toilet paper, spread my thighs wide, shifted the boys a bit, and reached in to give a good wipe right down the middle.

And that's when I dunked my fist directly into the nasty water.

I went back to being a side-wiper.
-Dan Holohan

tinner666

ROFLMAO

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Frank Slate Roof Repairs, Richmond, Va.

liltrainerboy

my eyes hurt

Chris Johnson

you know, I had to quit reading every few sentences to get the laughter out of my system, great story

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Chris

ron schenker

I would not even consider a center wipe, it never even dawned on me that it was possible. Kinda gay. I'd love to try a bidet though, sounds cool and refreshing. Anyone ever used one?

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Don't worry, the baseboard will hide it!

send_it_all

Not yet...I'm afraid that if I were to get a bidet, I would never again leave the house.

ron schenker

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Don't worry, the baseboard will hide it!

tinner666

Why is it, that when you use a public restroom, you finish up, wash your hands, find NO towels, and when you walk out the door, you always bump into a customer who reaches to shake your wet hand??!

WTFDTT???? I swear it happens 10 times a year. They must think that along with alwas seeing me dirty from working, I can't pee straight either!

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Frank Slate Roof Repairs, Richmond, Va.

westcoastplumb

This has nothing to do with the thread, but I checked out your two site, nice roof job, I just wanted to comment on the imigrant part. I enjoyed it very much! They are killing the plumbing trade by lowering the pay scale, but at the same time I have gone back on many to repair problems. I stand beside you my fellow tradesman

Grumpyplumber

" I'd love to try a bidet though, sounds cool and refreshing. Anyone ever used one?"

er....I have:

About a month ago I asked a customer if I could use his bathroom...after flushing, I noticed a strange contraption on the side of the bowl.
I reached down and pressed the button...it effectively squirted and soaked a good six inch wet spot onto the dead center of the front of my shirt...at this point I kinda figured out that it was a sort of portable bidet.
I haven't seen anyone laugh as hard as this customer did as soon as he put two and two together outside that bathroom in a very long time.

westcoastplumb

Thats great I installed a bidet about three weeks ago, they aren't to common anymore. Another thing is the toto neoangle, installed one about four months ago