The Suicide Hotline. 1-800#

Mr. Mike

Feeling suicidal?

I called the hot line yesterday, they asked me how I was feeling and put me on hold, my call got transferred to a call station in Pakistan and when I told them why I was calling they got excited and asked me if I know how to drive a truck.

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Commercial Painter KY. Residential Painter Louisville Painting Photos Louisville

boman47k

Drum roll please!

cleveman

That's good enough, I guess.

Anyone hear about the hillbilly vascectomy in Alabama?

Mr. Mike

Now is as good of time as any

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Commercial Painter KY. Residential Painter Louisville Painting Photos Louisville

cleveman

Good enough.

There was this hillbilly who had just had his eleventh child with his cousin. He knowed that they had to stop because they all slept in the same bed and it was all fulled up and he didn't have enough money for a bigger bed.

Off he went to the veterinarian to ask what to do. The vet told him he could get a vascectomy or a hillbilly vascectomy, which was a bit cheaper. In order to do the hv, he only needed to light a cherry bomb and put it in an empty beer can (coors light), hold it up to his ear and count to ten.

"I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed", he explained to the vet, but I can see that this won't do me no good. "Just trust me, I'm a trained professional", explained the vet.

So he went home and lit a cherry bomb and put it in an empty beer can and held it up to his ear and counted on his left hand, 1-2-3-4-5. Then he put the can between his legs and counted further on his right hand, 6-7-8... It worked perfectly. This method is also effective in Georgia and West Virginia.

Mr. Mike

Thanks cleveman

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Commercial Painter KY. Residential Painter Louisville Painting Photos Louisville

boman47k

Hey! Lets play nice now. We got big beds down here. Got me one o' dem Kalifornia queen size beds.

tc70518

That actually doesn't even sound far-fetched!

bmcquin

Just got this in my email and I laughed out loud when I read it!

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives,
socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole
of this latest election process has made me realize that
I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each
other for many years for the sake of future generations,
but sadly, this relationship has run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will
not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on
friendly terms.
We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences
and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion.
That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement.
After that, it should be relatively easy!
Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since
both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.
You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops,
the NRA and the military.
You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are
however,responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations,
pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.
You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys,
hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan
hockey moms,greedy CEO's and rednecks.
We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.


You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll
retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us
You can have the peaceniks and war protesters.
When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judea-Christian values.. You are welcome
to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain.
You can also have the U. N.. But we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury
cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.


You can give everyone health care if you can find any practicing doctors.
We'll continue to believe health care is a luxury and not a right.
We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem.
I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to
Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give
trickle up poverty your best shot.

Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history,
our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to
other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete.
In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one
of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen.

P. S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda and
Tom Cruz with you.

strathd

Call this pyschriatric hotline 413-497-0025