Some short jokes - Contractor Talk - Professional Construction and Remodeling Forum

Glasshousebltr · 01-20-2005, 07:20 AM

Why did the two morons freeze to death at the drive in?
They went to see 'closed for the winter'.

Why did the naked roofer freeze to death?
He went to Canada to avoid the draft.

Why did two of the four roofers drown after driving off a bridge?
They couldn't get the tailgate open.

What do you call a blonde with short hair?
Wind tunnel. (sorry.......let me have it Sherry)

Bob

sherry_31 · 01-20-2005, 09:43 AM

Naw, doesnt bother me Bob...Heard worse

heres one for you.

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY!
Heard your wife left you
How upset you must be
But don't fret it...
She moved in with me

Looking back over the years we've been together,
I can't help but wonder.."what the hell was i thinking"

Congratulations on your Wedding Day!
Too bad no one likes your wife

Ive always wanted to have
Some one to hold,
Some one to love.
After having met You.
I've changed my mind!!

I must admit, you have brought religion into my life,
I've never believed in Hell until i met you!

Want more?
Sherry

jbfan · 01-20-2005, 11:42 AM

Here ya go!

>> >>> I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to
>> >>> send me
>> >>> your chain letters over the past year filled with lies, rumors,
>> >>> inaccuracies
>> >>> and hoaxes. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and
>> >>> wealthy.
>> >>>
>> >>> Because of your concern... I no longer can drink Coca Cola because
>> >>> it can
>> >>> remove toilet stains.
>> >>>
>> >>> I no longer drink Pepsi or DR Pepper since the people who make these
>> >>> products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

>> >>> I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from
>> >>> the
>> >>> rat
>> >>> feces and urine.
>> >>>
>> >>> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
>>cancer.
>> >>>
>> >>> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
>> > pricked
>> >>> with a needle infected with AIDS.
>> >>>
>> >>> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
>> > water
>> >>> buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because
>> >>> someone
>> > will
>> >>> drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
>> >>>
>> >>> I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
>> >>> actually Al
>> >>> Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French
>> >>> and
>> >>> don't support our American troops.
>> >>>
>> >>> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
>> >>> stupid
>> >>> number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to
>> > Jamaica, Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
>> >>>
>> >>> I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they contain
>> >>> will
>> >>> turn me gay. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
>> >>> horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>> >>>
>> >>> I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys
>> >>> and
>> >>> leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
>> >>>
>> >>> I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive
>> >>> my
>> >>> free
>> >>> replacement pair from Nike.
>> >>>
>> >>> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
>>have
>> > their
>> >>> recipe.
>> >>>
>> >>> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
>> >>> looking out
>> >>> for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
>> >>>
>> >>> Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
>> > forward
>> >>> an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
>> >>> (Jeeze,
>> >>> the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)
>> >>>
>> >>> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
>> > about
>> >>> to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
>> >>>
>> >>> I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
>> >>> receive
>> > the
>> >>> $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
>> >>> their
>> >>> special e-mail program.
>> >>>
>> >>> Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for
>> >>> me!

>> >>> I will now return the favor. If you don't send this e-mail to at
>> >>> least
>> > 120
>> >>> people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap
>> >>> on
>> > your
>> >>> head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels
>> >>> will
>> >>> infest your armpits.
>> >>> I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a
>> > friend
>> >>> of a friend's neighbor's cousin twice removed.

DecksEtc · 01-20-2005, 03:47 PM

ROFLMFAO!!!

That was hilarious jbfan - if you don't mind I'd like to cut & paste that and send it around...

sherry_31 · 01-20-2005, 04:22 PM

>>NEW VIRUS
>>Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus
>>called
>>the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced programs of Norton
>>and McAfee
>>cannot take care of it. So be warned. The virus appears to affect
>>those of
>>us who were born before 1960!
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Symptoms of the Senile Virus:
>>
>>1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
>>2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
>>3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
>>4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
>>5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
>>6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.
>>
>>Remember???????????
>>
>>I don't remember if I sent this one out.........
>>I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
>>
>>God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
>>anyway, the
>>good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell
>>the
>>difference.
>>
>>Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've
>>discovered:
>>
>>1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
>>
>>2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
>>
>>3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
>>
>>4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
>>
>>5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
>>
>>6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
>>
>>7. If all is not lost, where is it?
>>
>>8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
>>
>>9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
>>
>>10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
>>
>>11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
>>
>>12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
>>
>>13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
>>
>>14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
>>
>>15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
>>
>>16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when
>>you're in the
>>bathroom.
>>
>>17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
>>knees.
>>
>>18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone
>>decide to play
>>chess?
>>
>>19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
>>
>>20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
>>
>>21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
>>
>>22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
>>I go
>>somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
>>
>>23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
>>
>>24. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
>>
>>Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe
>>10, oh,
>>heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember
>>who they
>>are. Then something is supposed to happen. I think. Maybe you get
>>your
>>memory back or something! I think...
>>

pondman · 01-20-2005, 07:17 PM

Sherry you are too much.............

jbfan · 01-20-2005, 08:47 PM

Send Away! Thats where I got it

Ron The Plumber · 05-22-2007, 08:19 AM

Daddy's little girl

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. < BR>
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain shi? in our garden."

Kristina · 05-22-2007, 11:33 AM

ROTFLMAO!! These are funny as HAIL!!!

Here's my piddly contribution:

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10..Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12..God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13..The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14..Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15..Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16..Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17..Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18..Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20..A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21..A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22..Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs.A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27..The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28..The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

realpurty2 · 05-22-2007, 01:55 PM

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your a** tomorrow

Woz the Painter · 05-22-2007, 03:50 PM

A nuetron walks into a bar and orders a drink, bartender says "no charge"

A midget walks into a bar, he kissed everybody in the joint.

A girraffe walks into a bar, orders a drink and tells the bartender, the high balls are on me.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink, bartender says, why the long face?

theworx · 05-23-2007, 10:10 PM

Hear about the Polish Golfer who broke his leg??? He fell off the ball washer!!!

A blonde and Brunette are walking down the street when the Brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop and she says "dammit". The Blonde asks "what's wrong?" Brunette "there's my boyfriend buying me another dozen Roses." Blonde: "what's wrong with that?" Brunette: "now I have to spend the next 3 nights lying on my back with my legs spread!!!" Blonde: "why?? Don't you have a vase???"

Canadian reference. Why do Newfies keep empty bottles of beer in the fridge??? For their friends that don't drink!!!

Woz the Painter · 05-24-2007, 01:12 AM

Why do you drive on a parkway, and park on a driveway?

Why do they call them apartments, when they are all stuck together?

Why are they called answering machines, they don't have any answers?

Why is it called rush hour, you never get anywhere?

And what's up with jumbo schrimp, are they big or little?

Chris Johnson · 05-24-2007, 01:13 AM

Why did the condom fly thru the air? It was pissed off

firemike · 05-24-2007, 10:24 AM

Teacher: Class, today we are going to practice our 3 syllable words, who wants to start?

Jimmy: Me, Mrs. Crabapple. My word is beautiful, as in 'Gee Mrs. Crabapple, you sure look beautiful today.'

Teacher: Very good Jimmy, who's next?

Nancy: Me Mrs. Crabapple. My word is daffodil. "Mrs Crabapple, you're as pretty as a daffodil.'

Teacher: Nancy, that was very sweet. OK, now who's next?

Timmy: Me Mrs. Crabapple! My word is urinate, like in...

Teacher: Timmy!!! You can't use that word!

Timmy: Oh yes I can... 'Mrs Crabapple, uninate, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a ten!'

RYANINMICHIGAN · 05-24-2007, 11:59 AM

What did the lady say to Michel Jackson at the beach? Get out of my sun.

What is the diference between Michel Jackson and a plastic grocery bag? One is dangerous to your child, the other carries your grocerys..

send_it_all · 05-24-2007, 12:10 PM

Why did Michael Jackson rush to Walmart?......he heard boys' clothing was half off.

Moscow · 05-24-2007, 12:54 PM

there was these three hookers sitten on a street corner chatting about their last John's the first said my last John was a lawyor and all he would complain about is his breifs and cases during the act, the 2nd hooker said that is nothing my last John was a doctor all he did is complain about his surgury this and surgary that, the 3rd hooker said that is nothing my last John was a farmer he complained about how dry it was then it was to wet then he tried to get the goverment to pay for it.

How many men dose it take to change the toliet papper roll? Nobody knows because its never been done.

what is grosser then gross? when you open the firdage and your rump- roast farts at you.

skyhook · 05-24-2007, 08:53 PM

Why does Tiger Woods wear two pairs of pants?

Incase he gets a hole in one.

theworx · 05-24-2007, 09:02 PM

Gross, sitting down and eating a bowl of Corn Flakes and finding out your little brother lost his Scab collection!!!