The Official CT Joke Duel Page

corian27

What's an innuendo?
An Italian suppository


What did Davy Crockett say at The Alamo?
"Where'd all these landscapers come from?"


How fat was she?
She kept her vibrator on a gun rack.


I was in a restaurant the other night and I saw two priests having dinner. I didn't know whether to send over a bottle of wine or a Cub Scout.


A priest and a rabbi are walking along when a little boy comes walking the other way.
The priest says, "Let's f%#k him."
The rabbi says, "F$#k him out of what?"


Why do Jewish guys watch ****o movies backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.


What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After two years, the job still sucks.

nEighter

The class teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, who had his handup:
"Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good!" said the teacher.

"Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People,shall
not perish from the Earth?' "

Again, no response except from Little Johnny: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863".

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. LittleJohnny
knows more about history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: "F---- the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up, "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right!!! Now, who said that!?"

Again, Little Johnny says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to theteacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****. Ifyou say
anything else, I'll kill you."

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, "MichaelJackson to
the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
"Oh ****, we're screwed!"

Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008."

__________________
Olathe house Painting and Remodeling Overland Park Interior House Painting Leawood Exterior House Painting Shawnee Wood Rot Repair Lenexa Drywall Repair

jtpro

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade.

My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!

I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough.

She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

corian27

A couple's on vacation. The husband goes up to a wishing well, throws in a penny...ploop! Nothing. The wife takes out a penny. She walks up, trips, ass over head, falls into the wishing well, and drowns.
He says, "Damn...it works."

corian27

Three blondes are out in the woods.
The first one says, "These are deer tracks."
The second one says, "These are bear tracks."
The third one says, "No...they're..."
And they get hit by the train

jtpro

From a senior citizen's POV:

Yes! I'm A Senior Citizen

I'm the life of the party -- even if it lasts until 8PM.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps -- with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.

I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?

I'm a walking storeroom of facts -- I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me...

jtpro

When the rough includes Buttercups

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden. POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life....

As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'

Then POOF!... She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,
DON'T SWING!!!"

Leo G

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...


Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that..
Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.


Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

__________________
Sawdust Follows Me Everywhere

http://lrgwood.com
Custom Cabinets in Hartford County Connecticut

jtpro

A little different spin on how I heard it but EQUALLY HILLARIOUS!!

Wish I had the nads to try it!

JSO would probably shoot me before backup arrived!

skyhook

Q: What's black and blue and floats down a river ?

A: People who tell Italian jokes.

__________________

jtpro

Three Men trying to get into heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Taranis

Blonde came across a load of milk bottles lying beside a hedge.

Thought it was a cow's nest...

http://www.contractortalk.com/f11/gr...charity-64286/

www.justgiving.com/lesley-mark

Leo G

> Two old guys,one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park
> bench one morning.
>
>
>
> The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and
> wasn't even short of breath.
>
>
>
> The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and
> asked him what he did to have so much energy.
>
>
>
> The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every
> day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll
> have great stamina with the ladies."
>
>
>
> So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.
> As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed
> any help.
>
> He said, "Do you have any Italian bread "
>
>
>
> She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.
> Would you like some?"
>
>
>
> He said, "I want 5 loaves."
>
> She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... By the time you
> get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
>
>
>
> He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows
> about this stuff but me."

__________________
Sawdust Follows Me Everywhere

http://lrgwood.com
Custom Cabinets in Hartford County Connecticut

Randall Murray

Old man and his wife were at the county fair looking at the bulls, They walked up to the first pen and a sign said this bull had been bred 12 times last year, The old woman looks at her husband and says
" look he can do it once a month, whats wrong with you"? They walk up to the next pen and a sign says" bred 52 times last year" the old woman says" this one can do it every week, What is wrong with you"? They walk up to the next pen and the sign says"bred 365 times last year" The old woman turns to her husband and says" why don't you aks him how he does it"? the old man said " why don't you ask him if it was with the same old cow every time"?

Resta

Some of these kids are destined to become marriage counselors!
Enjoy!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out
later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether
they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is.........


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
truck.
- Ricky, age 10

jtpro

To bad as you get older the common sense you have as a kid goes bye bye after the first wink!

SC sawdaddy

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use
a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning
to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders
some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the
results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've
got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very
rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're
going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second
opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want
but surgery is your only choice..'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that
he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his
penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but
what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my
penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American
docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need
to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself

jtpro

Talk about damned if ya do damned if ya don't!

SC sawdaddy

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,
they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he
taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of
rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick
we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

Cdat

This kid has half of it figured out already.