The Official CT Joke Duel Page

jtpro

The Hunters

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father
said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later the father heard a blood-curdling scream and ran back to
his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake
slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my
neck.

I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I
closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't
cough when I swallowed the gnat...I didn't cuss or scratch when the
poison oak started itching.

But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should
we eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just
panicked.......

maninthesea

A contractor went to the World of Concrete show in vegas. While walking thru the casino part of his hotel on the way back from the convention center he stopped and dropped all the quarters from his pocket into one of the progressive slot machines & pulled the handle.
Bells and lights start going off and a swarm of staff surround him as he finds out he has just won a couple million. After he does all the paperwork and finaly gets back to his room the first thing he does is call his wife.
"Honey I just won a million $ on a slot machine pack your bags."

"WOW! thats great should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?"

"I dont give a $#*+ just be gone when I get there!"

corian27

There was a young dentist Malone
who had a charming girl patient alone.
But in his depravity
he filled the wrong cavity,
God, how his practice has grown!



There once was a lady from Reno
Who lost all her cash playing keno.
So she laid on her back
Opened her crack
And now she owns the casino!


There once was a man from Sydney
Who could put it in up to her Kidney
But a man from Quebec
Put it up to her neck
Now he had a big one, didn’t he!

jtpro

Medical Professionals Weigh In On Health Care Reform

I thought you might want to know where the medical establishment stands.

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Health Care Reform plan.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastro-enterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the

Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"

The Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the Aholes in Washington .

jtpro

The Top 10 Indicators Your Employer Has Switched To The “Public Option”

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is “an apple a
day.”

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.

(4) “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is, “embalming.”

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.


AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’VE JOINED The PUBLIC HEALTH CARE PLAN


(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape

corian27

A guy's walking along the beach when he trips over a bottle, picks it up, and a genie comes out.
The genie says, "Thank you. I've been stuck in that bottle for centuries. I'll tell you what...I'll give you one wish. Anything you want."
The guy pulls out a map of the Middle East, and he says, "Could you bring peace to this part of the world?"
The genie says, "Gee, I don't know. They were fighting there for centuries and centuries, long before I was even trapped in the bottle. Have you got another wish?"
The guy says, "Well...could you make it so once a month my wife voluntarily wakes me up with a blow job?"
The genie says, "Let me see that map again."

jtpro

Leo G

These are a little different from what I remember .........


Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
********************

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
********************

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass' !!
********************

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
********************

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay..
********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

__________________
Sawdust Follows Me Everywhere

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Custom Cabinets in Hartford County Connecticut

outlaw

Does farts got lumps in them?

__________________
www.clarkroofingandsiding.com

SC sawdaddy

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy,Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid bo x and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,'Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

SC sawdaddy

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

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Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding what's for dinner.

Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote.

jtpro

He said she said from a woman's POV:

He said to me ... "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."
I said to him ... "You wear pants don't you?"

He said to me ... "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
I said ... "That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink & cook & clean while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but watch TV & fart."

He said to me ... "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
I said to him ... "Turn sideways and look in the mirror!"

He said to me ... "Why don't women blink during foreplay?"
I said to him ... "They don't have time."

He said to me ... "How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?"
I said to him ... "I don't know, it has never happened."

He said to me ... "Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?"
I said to him ... "They already have boyfriends."

He said to me ... "What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?"
I said ... "A widow."

He said to me ... "Why are married women heavier than single women?"
I said to him ... "Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge."

Magnettica

What kind of phone does a turtle use?

A shell phone!

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Electrician service in Rahway, Cranford, Clark, Westfield, Mountainside, Scotch Plains, Fanwood, Roselle, Roselle Park, and New Jersey | Same day electrical service and repairs | Licensed and Insured Electrician in Rahway

skyhook

What's the difference between broccoli and boogers ?

Kids won't eat broccoli.

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jtpro

The Detroit Lions and the Muslim Soldier

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions... The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.

He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .

In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghani Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm.

He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghani is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.

Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"


The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !"

corian27

A guy's in line at the supermarket when a blonde at the back of the line starts waving to him.
He doesn't recognize her, so he walks over and says, "I'm sorry, do I know you?"
She says, "I think you might be the father of one of my children."
He says, "Yow...are you the stripper from my bachelor party, who I banged on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my a$$?"
She says, "No, I think I'm your son's English teacher."

joshua1

The parish priest has a prize flock of hens and a beautiful, preened rooster. One sunday morning he gets up, and the rooster is gone, missing.
Later, at mass, he asks the congregation-"anybody got a cock?"
All the men stand up.
"No No No "says the priest," I meant Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stand up.
"No NO NO NO"says the priest,"I meant has anyone seen MY cock?"
Sheepishly, all the kids stood up.

PA woodbutcher

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning .. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.


Little Sally led off:
"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.


Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained
To everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.


Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher,

"What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,

"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,
"I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a sample.

They all said the same thing,
"Hey, this tastes like chit!"

Then I would say,
"It is chit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

__________________
'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so.' - Ronald Reagan

PA woodbutcher

A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If
you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd
realize I was talking to the sheep."

__________________
'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so.' - Ronald Reagan

skyhook

A group of women were having lunch and discussing marriage when one lady spoke up and said she had just gotten married for the third time.
Curious, another woman asked what happened.
The lady explained
"My first husband was a Doctor but all he wanted to do was examine it.
My second husband was a lawyer but all he wanted to do was talk to it.
Then I married a General Contractor and he tore into it on the first night and he's been working on it ever since".

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