The Official CT Joke Duel Page

Cdat

*Psst* they really are black with white stripes!

HusqyPro

Enjoy.

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Bob's Lawn & Landscape
When You Want The Best
Serving the LC Valley & Moscow-Pullman

RayGoerdt

Chickadee is out in the pasture looking for worms when a cow comes by and craps on him.

Completely buried in manure the bird begins to chirp frantically for help.

The farmers tom cat happens by, and hearing the bird chirping starts to dig it out of the pile.

The Chickadee is almost out and starts thanking the cat for helping him.

The cat promptly eats the bird.

The moral of the story?

He who craps on you is not always your enemy, and He who gets you out of crap is not always your friend

skyhook

Why didn't the Pirate take the "A" train ?

Because he was waiting for the "ARRRRRHH"

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user38755

Oh no you did unt!

boman47k

I recently spent 3 grand for 2 hearing aids for my wife. She has had a hell of a time getting accustomed to them,. Strange sounds, beeps, ill fitting, etc. They keep switching them. Finally come up with another typef or only $600 more! Damn! Talk about bait and switch.
One evening I asked my wife in(in my sexy voice), " Girl, you got panies on?"

Her reply was ," No, but I think I have some nickles and dimes on the dresser."

The new hearing aides should be in any day now.

essrmo

fell asleep last night on a corduroy pillow, woke up with headlines.

corian27

A lady walks into a sex shop and says to the salesman, "Where are all the dildos?"
He says, "They're on the wall, lady..."
She says, "I'll take a red one..."
He says, "No, lady. The dildos are on the wall next to the fire extinguisher."


A group soldiers crosses the desert, and then they have to cross a river. They only have one camel, so they all climb on. The sergeant gets behind the ears, and the rest climb on behind him. When they get halfway across the river, the sergeant sees two big tears in the eyes of the camel.
He says to the guy behind him, "Yo, the camel is crying."
That guy passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying," and he passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying," he passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying."
When they get to the guy who's riding the tail, they say, "Yo, the camel is crying," he says, "What the hell do you want me to do? If I take it out, I'll fall off."



A salesman's on the road and goes up to a girl in a bar.
He says, "You want a drink?"
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They drink the drink, and he says, "Want to go back to my hotel."
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They get to his hotel room, and he says, "You want to get naked?"
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They get it on and she leaves.
A few months later she calls him at his office and says, "I'm pregnant. I think I'm going to kill myself."
He says, "Geez...you are a good sport."

skyhook

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "will you marry me?"

She said "no."

After that he rode motorcycles, drove fast cars, went fishing and hunting, played endless rounds of golf, drank beer with 151 chasers, always had tons of money in the bank, farted and scratched whenever he wanted, always left the toilet seat up and
lived happily ever after.

THE END.

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21gun

You know why Cavemen drug their women by the hair?

Cuase if they drug them by the ankles the'd get packed full of dirt.

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carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.

21gun

last night i thought i'd be frisky and rolled over by the wife and put it in her hand.

She said we weren't gonna start smoking in the bed.
.................................................. .......................


On a bench in the park, 3 old ladies sit watching the people go by. All of a sudden a flasher comes by in a trench coat. Bearing himself in front of the 3 old ladies. Ethell, nearly 70 years old, gasps a deep breath and has a stroke. Beaula, about 75, also immeadiately has a stroke, and poor Ms. Irene, pushing 90 was just too frail and weak, and the flasher got away before she got to have her stroke.

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carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.

21gun

Always practice safe sex,

Have the neighbor throw a tupperware "Lock-in" party" for your wife and then call the mistress.

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carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.

jtpro

Here's an oldie but goody:

The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.


She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "BATHROOM COMMODE". But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again and rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC. "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.


Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about he local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam:

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous. Even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats.

I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember, this is a friendly community.

Sincerely,
Campground Owner I don't!

jtpro

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.


The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"


"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama."

rwa

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and
park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't
mind us, we're joined at the hip.

I'm John, he's Jim.

Two Molson Canadian beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to
make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
"Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John.
"We go to England every year, hire a car, and drive for
miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender.

"Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the
culture...."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap,"
says John. "Hamburgers & Molson's beer,
that's us, eh, Jim?

And we can't stand the English;
they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and
polite like us Canadians."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the
bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

rwa

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door
where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,
is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring
rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.
'Can't you remember about three months ago when
we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be
ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed,
and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

rwa

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania ."

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania ?
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world
is a tax-e-derm-ist?"

The man says, "I mount animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar...

"It's okay boys, he's one of us."

480sparky

One day, mdshunk, Teetorbilt and Mike Finley get together on a plane. As the plane takes off, it crashes and kills all three of them.

They get up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter looks at mdshunk. "Marc, follow me" he says.

Saint Peter and Marc walk down a long hallway with doors on either side. They walk for about 10 minutes, then Saint Peter turns and unlocks a rather plain and unmarked door. He opens it, and inside a small room is a mad dog. Saint Peter shoves Marc in and says, "Marc, you have sinned, and for your sins, you must spend eternity with this rabid dog." With that, Saint Peter shuts the door and locks it.

Upon his return, Saint Peter says, "Mr. Teetorbilt, come with me". The two walk down the same hallway. Past the room Marc is in. And they continue to walk down what seems an infinitely long hallway with unmarked doors on either side. After a half hour, Saint Peter stops and unlocks another door. Inside is a gorilla, and with a slight push Saint Peter pushes Teetorbilt into the room. Saint Peter says, "Mr. Teetorbilt, you have sinned, and for your sins you must spend eternity with this wild gorilla." He shuts the door, locks it and walks away.

Returning to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter then addresses Mike Finley. "Mike, kind sir, would you walk with me?" The two walk down the never-ending hallway. Past the two rooms above. They walk and walk. It seems the are going to walk down this hallway forever.

After an interminable time, Saint Peter turns and unlocks yet another door. When the door swings open, Mike is drawn to what he sees. Inside is Angelina Jolie, naked as the day she was born, laying in a heart-shaped bed with red silk sheets. She is surrounded by all manners of luxuries.....a chilled bottle of wine...... fresh roses in a vase...... soft music plays in the background.





Saint Peter says, "Angelina, you have sinned......"

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Site : the area or exact plot of ground on which anything is, has been, or is to be located.
Sight : The power or faculty of seeing; perception of objects by use of the eyes; vision.
Cite : To mention in support, proof, or confirmation; refer to as an example.

jtpro

And that's how the fight started!

Steve Manning

A crusty old bikie named Tim, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a pub and

sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:


CHEESEBURGER $2.50
HAMBURGER $2.25
CHICKEN SANDWICH $3. 50
HAND JOB $5.00


Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and
beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a
meagre looking group of farmers.


"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"


"I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand jobs?"



"Yes," she smiles and purrs, "I sure am."


The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands real good cause I want a cheeseburger".