The Official CT Joke Duel Page

21gun

so, my wife never answers her phone when i call... always in her purse or leaves it at home....

one day i call on the way home and again......... no answer.... Being in a good mood about being off early i leave a message that goes like this....


Honey, call me back immediately.... i'm headed home from huntsville and i had a flat, lost controll a bit and smacked a telephone pole a bout a mile before you get to that Boobie bar on hwy 231, the trucks ok except the right front bumper, and i'm ok too, but i need you to hurry... bring me a hundred bucks, a new tire and a few condoms, make that hundred all singles ok, and hurry damnit, they wont let me run a tab on the lap dances...


any how, that's how the fight started.

__________________
carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.

maninthesea

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who
called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of
time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy
together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting
up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit
older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I
don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the
challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a receding hairline
total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit
yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying
tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would
still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to **** off.

maninthesea

Two guys were driveing thru Texas when they were pulled over.

The trooper walked up to the drivers window and and tapped on the glass with his flashlight. So the driver rolled down the window.

SMACK! the trooper hits the driver in the head with the flashlight.

"What was that for?"

"Boy your in Texas! When you get pulled over in Texas you have your window down, your license and registration out in your left hand and your right hand on the wheal!"

"Uh OK"

SMACK! He hits him in the head with the flashlight again.

"What was that for?"

"Boy, In Texas when you get pulled over you end everything with "Sir" or "Officer"

"Yes Sir"

So the trooper goes back to his car and writes up a ticket and comes back gets the driver to sign then walks around to the passenger side. Tap's on the glass, and the passanger rolls down his window.

SMACK! The trooper hits the passenger in the head with the flashlight.

"What was that for sir?"

"Just making your wish come true"

"What I didn't wish to be hit in the head!"

"Yea but about 4 miles down the road you'd be saying "I wish he would have tried that **** on me""

21gun

__________________
carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.

21gun

__________________
carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.

21gun

__________________
carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.

corian27

An 80-year-old couple is having trouble remembering things, so they go to see their doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong.
After an exam, the doctor says, "You're physically okay, but you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember things."
That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He says, "To the kitchen."
She says, "Will you get me some vanilla ice cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down...vanilla ice cream."
She says, "Could I have strawberries and whip cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down...vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She says, "You forgot my freakin' toast."

corian27

How do you say brassiere in German?
Stoppenzumfrumfloppen

SC sawdaddy

Ha! Good photo of Rsbremodeling

SC sawdaddy

So this guy is driving down the road and sees a chicken standing on the side of the road. When he passes the chicken it starts to run beside the car and the guy sees that the chicken has three legs and is keeping up with him. The guy puts the hammer down but he cant lose the chicken. All of a sudden the bird kicks it into another gear and leaves the guy in the dust. Runs up the road and turns down a drive way at a farm house. The guy driving is thinking, "I've got to check this out" so he pulls up to the farm and sees three legged chickens everywhere! When he goes to the door and asks the farmer about his three legged birds, the old farmer says that his family loves drumsticks so much that he bred this line of chickens so they have three legs. The driver is amazed that this old redneck farmer has such ability to do this.

"Do they taste pretty good?" he asked him.

Farmer says "don't know...We never have been able to catch one"

SC sawdaddy

panties in Japanese...........Sackanookie

RayGoerdt

Definitions........

Bra= over the shoulder boulder holder.

jock strap= around the hip weinie grip.

corian27

New gay sitcom:
"Leave it, it's beaver."


A gynecologist comes home from work.
His wife says, "Are you tired?"
He says, "Whew. I'm bushed."


Why's a roach clip called a roach clip?
Because potholder was already taken


Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
He reads lips.

maninthesea

I was showing my dad my new car sterio in my truck. He did not belive me when I told him it was voice controled. So of course I had to demonstrate.

"Country" I said and we were listening to some Waylan Jennings. He was pretty impressed so he said "Rock and Roll" and we were listening to AC-DC. About then a guy pulls out in front of me and I hit the brakes and shout "You Ignorant Son of a B!+(#" and we were listening to Rush Limbagh!

SC sawdaddy

Here's a couple of interactive jokes you can get on your co-worker/secratary/wife whatever.

1. Tell them to write this down:
fee
then spell it for them. F-E-E
fie
then spell it F-I-E
foe spell it. F-O-E
next tell them to pick two of the words and write them down
when they stop writing tell them to pick two words again and write them down.
Now have them read it back
they'll always read it back just like they wote it
i.e.
fee fie foe
fee fie
foe fee
What is it they ask?????



Mike Tysons phone number

2. Have them to read this out loud preferably in a crowed room:

I AM
WE DARTED
I AM
WE DARTED
I AM SOFA KING
WE DARTED

Didnt get it the first time??
Try again. Your not reading it loud enough.
Still dont get it? Read it faster.
LOUDER
Keep reading...faster and louder. You'll get it.

21gun

here's another version

todd did we,
todd we did,
i did todd

i todd did.
i so free king
we todd did

__________________
carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.

CScalf

tell your wife in a crowded room to point at her head and spell the abbreviation for mountain......mt

__________________
"Your problem does not constitute an emergency on my part"

maninthesea

Those remind me of my favorite kids jokes.
1. What do you call a bear with no ear?
"B"

2. Ask them if the like knock knock jokes. When they say yes you say "OK you start"
They will "Knock Knock" then you ask them "Who's there?" and usually they are at a loss for words.

3. If they are very young I like to ask them how old they are which they are allways prepared for. Then I ask them how old they will be next year. Some of the answers are pretty interesting. If they are a little older and have been rowdy or scolded recently I will ask them how old they are and if they say 11 for example I ask them if they think they will make it to 12? Usually gets a good laugh out of the parents.

Kids are more entertaining than any TV show I have ever watched.

Cheers Jim

corian27

Anybody remember these?

Mommy Mommy, why is Daddy so pale?
Shutup and keep digging.

Mommy Mommy, where did all your scabs go?
Shutup and eat your corn flakes.

Mommy Mommy, why am I going around in circles?
Shutup or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

Mommy Mommy, my head hurts.
shutup and get away from the dart board.

Mommy Mommy I don't like fishing.
Shutup and stop squirming so I can get the hook in.

Mommy Mommy, when are we gonna have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shutup, we haven't even finished cooking Grandpa yet.

Mommy Mommy, why is Daddy running away?
Shutup and help me reload.

Leo G

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St.
Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I
white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found him, the zebra asked,
'God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black
with white stripes?'

God simply replied 'You are what you are.'

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God
straighten out your query for you?'

The zebra looked puzzled. 'No sir, God simply said 'you are what you are.''

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are you are
white with black stripes.'

The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'

Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would
have said, 'You is what you is.'

__________________
Sawdust Follows Me Everywhere

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