The Official CT joke duel page - Page 4 - Contractor Talk - Professional Construction and Remodeling Forum

nEighter · 07-17-2009, 12:42 AM

nEighter · 07-17-2009, 12:56 AM

that may not be considered a "joke" but I thought it was funnier than hell.

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with
picnic
tables, barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, along with some apple and peach
trees. The pond was properly shaped
and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it
over, as he hadn't been
there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some
fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer,
he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As
he
approached, he
made the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave."

The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young
ladies
swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the
bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

jcalvin · 07-17-2009, 10:50 AM

Blonde paint jobA blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

jcalvin · 07-17-2009, 10:52 AM

Generous lawyerA local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

jcalvin · 07-17-2009, 10:55 AM

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

bob_cntrctr · 07-17-2009, 12:29 PM

Remember the Nicholas Cage movie "Con Air", where a bunch of convicts hijack a transport plane to Mexico?

They're making a sequel in which a bunch of lesbians from a women's prison hijack a plane to Ireland. It's entitled "Con Air Lingus".

knucklehead · 07-17-2009, 01:00 PM

Dear Abby,

I am a 13 year old girl from Kentucky and I am still a virgin.
Do you think my brothers are gay?

handyhands · 07-17-2009, 02:21 PM

Obama walks into a bar, with a very rare tropical parrot on his shoulder....

Bartender says-"Wow, that's really cool....Where can I get one of those?"

The parrot says -"South Africa...They're everywhere."

jcalvin · 07-17-2009, 03:32 PM

couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them.

"Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant?" he asked.

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs?" asked the boy.

Embarrassed, the mother replied, "Oh, it's nothing, son." She then left to get some hot dogs and sodas.

While she was gone, the young boy turned to his father and asked, "Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?"

"That's the elephant's penis, son," explained the father.

"Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her?" the boy asked.

Taking a deep breath, the father proudly replied, "I've spoiled that woman, son!"

skyhook · 07-17-2009, 09:15 PM

Satin says to an attorney, "I will make you the richest, most powerful lawyer in the world if you will just will me the souls of your wife and first born child."

The attorney thinks about it for a while and says "what's the catch?"

strathd · 07-18-2009, 08:07 AM

True story

A bro and I driving down the road after leaving a t**ty bar.

Bro yells out the window to a hot chick, wanna f***.

She yells back, no but my brother does go get your mother !!

WarriorWithWood · 07-18-2009, 09:07 AM

There are 3 guys hunting in the woods, they get bored and go back to their camp for some beers.

After throwing a few back one of the guys throws his beer can in the air, shoots a hole in it and yells "THE SILVER BULLET".

The second man says I have one, throws his can in the air, shoots it and yells "THE KING OF BEERS".

Third guy throws his can in the air and shoots his wife then yells "IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS".

CrpntrFrk · 07-18-2009, 09:23 AM

Guy gets arrested for the first time and has to do some time in the slammer.
The guard takes him to his cell and he sees that he will have a bunkmate.
The other man in the prison cell is much bigger then he so he want to make sure not to piss him off.
The big guy asks;
"This is your first time so you have two choices.....you can be the husband or you can be the wife?"
The newbie thinks about to himself;
"Well I know what the wife gets so...."
He speaks up and answers;
"I'll be the husband!!"
Big Guy-"All right....then come over here and suck your wifes d!ck!"

**Leo G** · 07-23-2009, 11:08 AM

For those of you who might be considering a road trip, be advised: Portions
of I-64, I-70, I-29, and I-90 will be closed this weekend. Expect long
delays along these interstate highways plus major traffic disruptions in
Charleston, WV, Louisville, KY, St Louis, MO, Kansas City, MO, and Omaha,
NE.

A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South Dakota so
that Barrack H. Obama can be added to Mt Rushmore.

skyhook · 07-23-2009, 09:20 PM

Why is it that Plumbers are the only trades people who can show up 3 days late and still walk in under a veil of palms and hosannas ?

HandyHails · 07-24-2009, 11:37 AM

jcalvin stole my favorite joke!

HandyHails · 07-24-2009, 11:49 AM

Indian walks into a saloon.

He states tot he bartender,"Me wantum whore for the night."
Bartender replies,"We don't serve your type in here so get lost."
Indian repeats,"Me wantum whore for the night."
The bartender stands firm,"Get the hell out of my bar or I'll toss you out."
Indian repeats, "Me wantum whore for the night!!"

The bartender seeing he is not going to get rid of him so easily gives a little ground. "I'll make you a deal", he says. "You see that gnarled old oak tree outside? Go practice having sex w/ that for an hour and if you still want a girl after that, I'll look out for you."

Without a word the Indian goes outside drops his pants and starts humping a knot-hole in the tree. After an hour sure enough he re-enters the saloon through the front door, walks straight over to the bartender,"Me wantum whore for the night."

The bartender, being a man of his word agrees and supplies the man w/ a whore to do w/ as he pleases for the evening. The Indian walks up to the woman and immediately starts to beat her severely w/ a large stick.

The bartender comes flying over and grabs the Indians arm demanding to know,"just what the hell is going on!!?"

To this the Indian replies, "Me wantum whore for the night, but me learn lesson well. First me checkum for bees!!"

CrpntrFrk · 07-26-2009, 09:24 PM

This guy has not gotten laid for a long time and needed a release. So he hears about this hooker who was the best. So he calls gets the address and goes to the hookers "place of employment". When he gets there he asks for some prices.
$150 for a hand job.
He says "Thats alot of money for just a hand job"
The hooker says "Come to the window and look down on the street. See those five Lambos? I own all those from just hand jobs."
Being convinced the guy goes for it and sure enough its the best hand job he has ever gotten.
Curious he asked " How much is a blow job?"
Hooker says "Well thats $550."
The man tells the hooker thats too much and starts to walk off when the hooker says again " Come to the window. Look across the harbor. See those two yaughts in the water? I own those from just bjs."
Being convinced again the guy agrees to the price and sure enough it is the best damn bj he has ever had.
Since everything else had been so awesome he asked the hooker "Dont tell me the price yet. But what do you own from the whole nine yards?"
Once again the hooker says "Come to the window. See that sky scrapper?"
In excitement the man replies " YA! YA!"
Hooker- "I would own that if I had a PU$$Y!!"

**Leo G** · 07-29-2009, 09:44 AM

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches
to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets
her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very
nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of
golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed...

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times
the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in
a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future
because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than
on Alzheimer's research... This means that by 2040, there should be a
large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five
fewer people laughing in the world

corian27 · 07-29-2009, 10:54 PM

An elderly lady goes into the city to do some errands. While she's walking down the street, she comes upon the local massage parlor being raided. She has no idea what's going on so she asks the last girl in line "What's going on honey?" The smart-ass girl replies "They're giving out lollipops."

So the old lady decides to get in line. As the cops are processing all the girls in line they come upon the old lady. One cop says."Ummmm....excuse me maam, but aren't you a bit old for this?" To this she replies "Sonny...as long as they keep making them, I'll keep sucking them."