The Official CT Joke Duel Page

naptown CR

A penguin drives his car into a repair shop.

Says to the mechanic it appears to be leaking something.

Mechanic says I'll take a look

Penguin notices an ice cream shop across the street and tells the mechanic he's hot and is going to get some ice cream.

Penguin comes back about a holf hour later with ice cream dirpping down his chin and front. The little wings make holding a cone dificult.

Mechanic tells him it looks like you've blown a seal.

Penquin replies no no it's only ice cream.

nEighter

/\

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the TIP OF YOUR FINGER in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question: "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your WHOLE HAND in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line, St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it!"

nEighter

A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.

“Who knows what sound a cow makes?” she asked.

Mary put her hand up and said “Moooo!”

“Very good” replied the teacher, “what sound do sheep make?”

“Baaaa” answered Johnny.

She continued this for a while.

Then she asked “What sound does a pig make?”

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose the shy little boy at the back of the class.

He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, “Up against the wall, mutha foocka!”

CrpntrFrk

Man walks into a bar and orders two shots of whiskey.

"Both at the same time please" he asks the bartender.

He then drinks one shot and splashes his right hand with the other shot.

He then does this three more times before the bartender asks "What the hell are you doing?"

The man replies

"I like to make sure my date is good and drunk so I am sure to get laid"

__________________
DO IT!! DO IT!! DO IT!!

CrpntrFrk

Old man and an old woman at a nursing home meet every morning at their favorite bench in the courtyard. He always unzips his pants and she puts her hand on his unit and they just sit this way for a couple hours then go about their day.
One day the man did not show up. Same thing the next day and the day after that. So being concerned she went looking for him. She then found him on a different bench with a different woman doing the same thing they had been doing for years. Him sitting there with his fly open and her hand on his shaft.
Later that day she confronted him about this and asked him;
Woman-"Why do you sit with this other woman now?"
Woman-"Is she better looking?"
Man-"No"
Woman-"Does she have bigger boobs?"
Man-"No"
Woman-"Then what does she have that I don't?"
Man-"Parkinson's"

__________________
DO IT!! DO IT!! DO IT!!

skyhook

Why didn't the pirate take the L train ?
Because he was waiting for the ARRRR.

What kind of shoes do frogs wear ?
open toad.

Where do fish keep their money ?
In the Riverbank.

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nEighter

+ YouTube Video

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began
to fuss, "Where did you get that car???!!!"...........

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche
costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to panic and asked. "Who would sell a car like
that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her
name; they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked
me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh, my goodness," moaned the mother to the boy's father, "John, you
go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady
lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He
introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a
Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know what was going on.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has
run off to Hawaii with his secretary. The secretary took his money
and left him after they had arrived. He called me and claimed he was
robbed and stranded.

He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I
did."

nEighter

A six year old and a four year old are upstairs in



their bedroom. "You know what?" says the six year



old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."



The four year old nods his head in approval. The



six year old continues, "When we go downstairs for



breakfast, I'm gonna' say something with hell and you



say something with ass." The four year old agrees



with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the



kitchen and asks the six year old what he wants for



breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll



have some cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his



chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and



runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in



hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His



Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay



there until I let you out!" She then comes back



downstairs, looks at the four year old and asks with



a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast,



young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you



can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

trptman

THAT, is funny

skyhook

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country and giving me housing, food stamps, health care and a free education."

The passerby says "you are mistaken, I am Mexican"

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."

That person says "I am not American, I am Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, stops the next person he sees, extends his hand and says "Thank you for a wonderful America."

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from the Middle East, I am not American."

He finally sees a nice woman and says "are you American? "

She says "no, I am from Africa."
Puzzled, he asks "where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says "probably at work"

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maninthesea

So a Mexican a Puerto Rican and an African American get into a car. Who's driveing?

LAPD.

knucklehead

A man and his wife go into a bank. While they are at the counter a guy comes in and robs the bank. The robber turns to leave, he asked a customer "Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer says yes. The robber shoots him in the head. He turned to the man and says "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man says "No, but my wife did"

knucklehead

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. T he bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring
my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket

bmcquin

Four Horses

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name..
He replied, "She called Four Horses"..
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

skyhook

Man goes into a bar and orders a drink.
Takes a picture out of his shirt pocket, looks at it, puts it back in his pocket and chugs down the drink.

He orders another round. Bartender sets him up.

Man takes the picture out, looks at it, then chugs down another drink.
This goes on for a while until finally the Bartender asks "why do you order a drink, look at that picture then chug it down.

Man says, "it's a picture of my wife, I keep drinking until she looks good, then I go home."

__________________

nEighter

/\ totally called that!!!!1 ROFL!

maninthesea

Step into the wayback machine for this one.


I guy walks into a bar and two guys who look like George Bush and Colin Powel are sitting at a table in the corner covered in papers, maps and empty beer mugs.

The guy decides to mind his own buisness but after a few beers he goes over and says- "Excuse me but arent you George Bush and Colin Powel?

"Yes" says Colin. "And we are VERY BUSY if you dont mind"

"OK sorry to bother you" and the guy starts to leave. but George Bush stops him and says "Just a second let me run something by you" "We are trying to plan out WW III" What we plan to do is kill about 1 million Iraqies and one blond with big tits."

"Why would you want to kill a blond with big tits?" the guy asks.

George turns to Colin and says "See I told you no one would give a **** about the Iraqies!"

maninthesea

Q. Whats 6" wide 20' long and has an asshole in the middle?


A. A Turbin

trptman

Late one night, two nuns were driving through the Transylvania countryside. Full moon out, the occasional wolf howling, enough strange shadows to make you think there was something behind every tree. As the nuns are getting more and more nervous a small vampire lands on their windshield, hissing and growling menacingly. The nun in the passenger seat sees him first and shrieks while the nun driving turns on the wipers trying to knock him off. The miniature Dracula easily avoids the wipers and begins pounding on the windshield obviously trying to get in. The nun in the passenger seat says a quick prayer and tells the driver to spray him with the washer fluid as she just blessed it and turned it into holy water. Little Dracula gets sprayed and howls in pain but that only makes him madder and he continues pounding as the car swerves down the road. Both nuns are getting scared as nothing they try will dislodge the vampire. Desperately the driver shrieks at the other nun to “show him your cross, show him your cross”. The passenger nun rolls down the window, leans out and yells, “HEY, GET OFF OUR F*&#ING CAR!!”

trptman

Two hillbillies are eating in a restaurant.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says,

"Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!