The Official CT Joke Duel Page

greg24k

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob...'
Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell...
"BOB, wake up. You **** the bed !"

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essrmo

user38755

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone, including the President.

They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened.

They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep, Sure did." The farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off his motor.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" "Nope."

"They's all kilt straight out" the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

Winchester

Have you heard about the new Obama Value Meal from McDonald's?


Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

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Ryan

Winchester

A passenger plane is flying and the pilot comes over the intercom saying that the plane is going down, so grab a parachute and jump out.

So, after most people have left there is only President Obama, a Priest, and a child left. The priest looks and says "there are only two parachutes left."

So, Obama says "I'm much too important for my country to be wasted here." as he straps the pack on his back and jumps out.

The priest looks at the boy and says "don't worry you can have the last parachute, I'm sure it would be the will of our Father in heaven."

the boy replies "don't worry the important guy just took my backpack"

__________________
Ryan

Winchester

So people finally are able to recreate life and come before God in all their pride saying "look, we don't need you anymore. we can create perfect humans!"

God replies "Okay, let's see who can create the most perfect human." and the people agree.

So, God gathers up some earth and forms a man and breathes life into him. He is quite an attractive well-built man but he has a slight limp.

The people laugh saying "That's easy to beat!" and they start by gathering up some earth as well. Then God shouts "Whoa, whoa! Hey now. Make your own dirt!"

__________________
Ryan

Resta

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: ' $90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a good deal.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

skyhook

The difference between a Rich girl and a poor girl is that a Rich girl has a canopy over her bed and a poor girl has a can o pee under her bed.

loneframer

Guy walks into a pub, opens his jacket and pulls out a small piano. Then opens the other side of his jacket and pulls out a foot tall man, who begins to play.

Bartender asks where the man got such a bizarre thing.

Man says he was cleaning up a bottle he had found and a Genie popped out and granted him a wish.

Bartender asks the man to give it a try. He does and the Genie pops out to grant him one wish.

Bartender asks for a million bucks. POOF! the bar is filled with a million ducks.

Bartender exclaims "Hey, I wanted a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The other man says "I suppose you think I asked for a 12" pianist?"

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"Walking the fine line between production and perfection"



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SC sawdaddy

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side.

loneframer

A traveling salesman is on his way to farm country to sell livestock supplies. While he's on the train, taking in the beautiful countryside, he notices that he's getting an erection. He figures it's from the vibration of the tracks and the rocking of the car. When he reaches his destination, he decides to walk it off before meeting with his first sales call.

After about 20 minutes, he concludes that it won't go away on its own, so he begins looking for a pharmacy. After several minutes, he happens upon a small nondescript drug store.

As he enters, a woman at the register asks him if he needs help. The man asks to speak to the pharmacist. The woman explains that her sister and herself own the drug store and they are both pharmacists.

The man explains that it's a very personal matter and he would prefer to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman tells him that her and her sister are the only pharmacists within a 50 mile radius. So, the man tells her that he seems to have a perpetual erection and would like to know what he can be given for it.

The woman excuses herself to go talk to her sister. After several minutes, she returns and says, "How about $10,000 and the drug store?"

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"Walking the fine line between production and perfection"



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SC sawdaddy

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

user38755

This hot chick is sitting at a bar, listening to the bartender tell jokes.

After one she leans back and says: "ewww, that's dirty, don't you have any clean jokes?"

The bartender says to her, "yes, I have one: What's the difference between Jelly and Jam?"

The hot chick leans in and says: "I don't know, what is it?"

Bartender replies:














"Well, it's kinda hard for me to jelly my peter up your bum"

SC sawdaddy

Had a buddy in the Army that was a Don Juan with the ladies. I heard him tell a girl one night that he could promise her at least five orgasms.
It definitely caught her attention, She asked how did he plan to do that. He said he had 4 buddies that wanted some too.

boman47k

Found on Face Page:

Dear Lord,

This year you took my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze
You took my favorite actress, farrah Fawset
You took my favorite singer, Michael jackson
Just wanted to let you know my favorite president is Barrack Obama!

skyhook

boman47k

Whats this about these new lesbian beds by I**a? No bolts and nuts. All tongue and groove.


If that crossing the line, I apologize.

SC sawdaddy

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

griz

A contractor wins the 200 million dollar power ball lottery.
News reporter asks him "hey whata gonna do now?"
Contractor "Aw what the heck, just keep on contracting till it's all gone".

skyhook