The Official CT Joke Duel Page

rwa

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and
park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't
mind us, we're joined at the hip.

I'm John, he's Jim.

Two Molson Canadian beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to
make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
"Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John.
"We go to England every year, hire a car, and drive for
miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender.

"Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the
culture...."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap,"
says John. "Hamburgers & Molson's beer,
that's us, eh, Jim?

And we can't stand the English;
they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and
polite like us Canadians."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the
bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

essrmo

this story takes place in the old days of 1899.

a prim and proper mother and daughter were riding into town on a horse drawn carriage.
daughter says, mother, my hands are cold.
mother says, put them between your thighs,
that will warm them up.

next day daughter and her boyfriend were riding into town.
the boyfriend says, my hands are cold.
the daughter says, put them between my thighs,
that will warm them up.

next day daughter and boyfriend were riding into town.
boyfriend says, my nose is cold.
daughter says, put it between my thighs,
that will warm it up.

next day, daughter and boyfriend were riding into town,
boyfriend says, my p**** is frozen solid.
the daughter says .......................
...............................
next day, daughter and mother were riding into town.
daughter says, mother do you know what a p**** is?
mother says yes, why do you ask?.
daughter says, they sure do make a mess when they thaw out.

Cdat

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

Cdat

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance - Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

SC sawdaddy

............ I'd kill him

essrmo

Grandpa and grandson are sitting on the porch when an elderly woman walks by.

grandpa says, hummmmmm, I'd sure like a taste of that old p****.

grandson says, grandpa, what does old p**** taste like?

grandpa says, Depends.

Leo G

ewwww

__________________
Sawdust Follows Me Everywhere

http://lrgwood.com
Custom Cabinets in Hartford County Connecticut

Resta

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly,
painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

SC sawdaddy

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:



MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramen to.



When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital!

Cdat

Yesterday scientists suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a second look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were each given 8 bottles of beer to be drank within a one hour period...

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive well, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong......

handyhands

Santa stops after 3 Ho's.

skyhook

A group of women were having lunch one day discussing marriage.

One particularly fine woman speaks up and says,
I've been married 3 times and divorced twice.

Curious, the other women asked what happened?

The beautiful woman explains,

Well, first I married a doctor, but all he wanted to do was examine it.

Next I married a lawyer, but all he wanted to do was talk to it.

Finally, I married a Contractor, he tore into it the first night
and he's been working on it ever since.

__________________

SC sawdaddy

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need
your advice.

I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has
been cheating on me. The usual signs are phone rings, but if I answer,
the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot
recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some
friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her
coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never
approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't
want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided
to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide next to the
garage behind my boat so I could get a good view of the entire street
when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls.” When she got
out of the car, she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open. She
took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that
moment, crouching behind my bass boat, that I noticed that there were
numerous hairline cracks in my gel coat; right where the hull meets the
transom.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take
it over to the boat yard to have it repaired?



Thanks,

Ron

SC sawdaddy

Yesterday was my

birthday
And I didn't feel very well
Waking up on that

morning.


I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my wife would be

pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', And possibly have a small present for

me.


As it turned out,
She barely said good morning,
Let

alone
'Happy Birthday.'


I thought...


Well, that's

marriage for you,
But the kids...
They will remember.


My kids

came bounding down stairs to breakfast And didn't say a word.
So when I left

for the office,
I felt pretty low
And somewhat despondent.


As I

walked into my office,
My secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
And

by the way
Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better
That at least

someone had remembered.


I worked until one o'clock ,
When Jane

knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day

outside,
And it is your Birthday,
S0 What do you say we go out to

lunch,
Just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest

thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't

go
Where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
With

a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal

tremendously...


On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You

know,
It's such a beautiful day....
We don't need to go straight back to

the office, Do we ?'


I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you

have in mind?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around

the corner.'

0K


After arriving at her apartment,
Jane

turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into

the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously

replied.


She went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of

minutes,
She came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ..
Followed
By

my wife,
My kids,
And dozens of my friends
And co-workers,
All

singing 'Happy Birthday'.




And I just sat

there...




On the couch...


Naked.

leadarrows

You don't bury survivors.

Better late than never. lol

__________________
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

user38755

Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve's VW Van when suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yelled out "Oh fatboy, whip me, whip me!"
Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opened the window, snapped the antenna off his van and proceeded to whip Fiona until they both collapsed in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona noticed that the marks left by the whipping session were starting to fester a bit, so she went to the doctor.
The doctor took one look at the wounds and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex??"
Fiona, embarrassed to own up to having kinky sex, eventually admitted that, yes, she did.





Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor said, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, it's the worse case of van aerial disease I've ever seen."

user38755

A Como couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!

user38755

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
>
>
>
>The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old
>girl
>
> >to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he
> >helped
>
>Deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
>
>
>
>Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The
>
>Paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
>
>Connor began to cry.
>
>
>
>The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
>wide-eyed
>
>3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen
>
>Quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
>
>First place......smack his ass again!"

SC sawdaddy

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, while waiting for their respective flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, “At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few.”


The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
“Once my people were few,” he sneers, “and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?”


The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . .


“I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet,
but I reckon it's a-comin’.”

user38755

dog food diet.
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
> > Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.