The Official CT Joke Duel Page

robin303

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly snipe at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in. He had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice, said,

'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!'

Then he closed the door.

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mikeswoods

Thanks_________I needed a good story.

rselectric1

That was good.
See if the mods can move it to the Joke Duel page. Otherwise it will kind of fade away.

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220...221...whatever it takes!

robin303

Dang, I'm so new I didn't even kwew there was a joke page.

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rselectric1

Hit the ! button (report a post) and ask the mods to move it there. I think they will.

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220...221...whatever it takes!

robin303

Did. Funny I got this off my gardening site.

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Robin303 Army Air Slideshow

skyhook

Damn, you had me going.

Here is a cat story that is true.

Neighbors had a sickly, little 1 year old cat. Cat always had labored breathing, hardly ever ate or drank and hated everybody, especially kids. For some reason this particular cat took a liking to my wife and curled up next to her on the couch one day. Petting his head and neck, she felt something strange. It was a flea collar the kids had put on him when he was a kitten. I gave her my pocket knife and she cut off the flea collar (it was only the size of a quarter inside). As soon as it was cut, that cat took off running around the room, bouncing off the couch, walls and all the way up to the top of the curtains. I finally opened the patio door and that cat took off and didn't come back for 3 days, he lived for many years after that.

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robin303

Wanted Felon at Large

This guy in on the loose. Becareful out there guys.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpFvA...layer_embedded

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Robin303 Army Air Slideshow

user38755

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama
is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers
the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him
by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words. As he was doing
that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called,
but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches.
They're called circle flies because they're almost always found
circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But a moment
later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the
citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling
on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,
"Hard to fool them flies, though."

skyhook

Q: Why was Tiger Woods wearing two pairs of pants
when he got in a car accident?

A: In case he got a hole in one.

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user38755

The Irish Ballerina!!!



A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed
to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar , an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down onthe counter and bellowed
‘Give the ballerina a drink!'
The bar tender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patron sand again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit,and asked,
'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,
'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bar tender approached the drunk and said
'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

user38755

A Cajun wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without numbers?' The Cajun says, 'Dat is easy.' And proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks

'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Cajun.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99..'

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.
'Ere you go.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree (33), and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, 'All right, last question.
Same rules again, but represent the number 100..'

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
'Ere you go. One hundred.'


The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says,
'A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred..'

The Cajun is the new supervisor.

user38755

A Woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man on a lake in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "Youre in a hot air balloon approximetly 30 feet above the ground at an elevation of 2,436 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a republican." "I am," the man replied. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information and I'm still lost. Frankly, you haven't been much help to me at all." The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama democrat." "I am replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly in the same position you were before we met, but somehow it's now my fault!"
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user38755

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

user38755

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives.

But the young cowboy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a gun before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

dogris

This happened about 6 months ago on Louisiana Hwy 57 just outside of Dulac, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

An Ohio businessman, Saul Rubins, abandoned his disabled vehicle on the side of the road, and attempted to hitchhike. The night was pitch dark in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.


Suddenly, through the sheets of rain, he saw a car approaching. It moved slowly and appeared ghostlike in the rain. Slowly and silently the vehicle crept toward him and stopped. Desperately needing a ride, Saul jumped in the passenger side and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was no one behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept silently forward and Saul was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. He saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would then drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy hand appeared at the driver's window, reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and Saul was alone again.
Paralyzed with fear, Saul watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, scared nearly to death, Saul had all he could take, jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into Schmoopy's. Voice quavering, he ordered two cups of coffee, black, and then told everybody about his supernatural experience.
The room became silent and everybody got goose bumps when they realized Saul was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).


and then




About 30 minutes later two Cajuns, dripping wet, walked into Schmoopy's and one says to the other, "Look, Boudreaux, der's dat jackass what rode in our car when we wuz pushin' it in the rain!"

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SC sawdaddy

A little boy goes into a marketing agency and gets past the secretaries to the executive office. Finally wanders into the CEOs office where the president of the firm is sitting.

"What can I do for you young man?" he asks the boy.
"I want to be a salesman" the boy replies.
The president is amused at the boys initiative and makes him an offer.
"I have a box of tooth brushes here that my best salesman can't even sale. Would you like to take a try at selling them?"

The little boy beamed. He grabbed the box and rushed out on the street to sell his toothbrushes.
About two hours later the little boy burst back into the office with a hand full of money and asked for another box of toothbrushes.
The CEO was amazed that the boy had sold them all in just a couple of hours. "How did you make so many sales so fast?" He asked.

"Easy", said the boy.
"First I made some sandwiches, then I put up a sign that said 'free peanut butter sandwiches.'
Then when some one came along I'd give them one. When they bit it they'd say, "This tastes like $h!t."
And I'd say, "It is $h!t...........Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

John Hyatt

This actually happened to me on a job site.

To get to the job easily I would cross a vacent lot to back the trailor right up to the fence of the customer while doing this I passed a brand new funural home on the corner in front of the vacent lot.

As we unloded tools and lumber we met Carl one of those really smart but curtious 9 year olds. He just had a winning way about him and he wanted to help. He was the son of the Customers. Normaly that would be a total no no but this Kid had a way about him and knew tools and building we could tell this right away. He started slowley just picking up scrap,baging it, geting the tools out of the truck and taking them back. After a few days he was on the other end of the board as we framed the pool deck.

We all got to talking like we do and so did Carl. Turned out he had done the same thing as the funural home was built, he knew everything about it from the foundation to the roof, all the guys names and what outfit they worked for,what kind of truck they drove very smart little kid.

I asked him what he wanted to do when he got older. " I want to be a Carpenter or work in a Funural Home." Pretty big spread. Carl went on and on looking back he was talking all the time telling me he had done the same kinda working his way in thing while the business was being started across the vacent lot he knew the owner,all the workers, what the chem did and how they used them, Everything. This was all in one breath the Kid was a talker.

" Man I was there when the first Customer came in it was real exciting everything was ready,it all was new, we were all ready they told me I had to go home now so I ran across the field yelling The first Customer.....The first Customer!!!!!! when I got inside my house I was still yelling The Funural Home Has the First Customer!!! but Mom was crying..it was Grandmaw. "

I dident laugh about this for a couple of days then I just could not stop. Fantasy at short notice must have been built into this little guy but he had defentley fine tuned it.
JonMon.

SC sawdaddy

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

DaVinciRemodel

Here's the ingrediants:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-a-flat

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