The Official CT Joke Duel Page

nEighter

It's Halloween time of year again.........

Best Comeback Line Ever!
Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22-year-old white male, in a pumpkin
patch, at 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with
lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home
from a heavy drinking session he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is
soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least
I thought there wasn't anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked
out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it,
and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you
know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the
deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of
his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I
walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. 'I
said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a
pumpkin?'
'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
looked me straight in the face and said...

"A pumpkin? **** .... is it midnight already?"

__________________
Olathe house Painting and Remodeling Overland Park Interior House Painting Leawood Exterior House Painting Shawnee Wood Rot Repair Lenexa Drywall Repair

user38755

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping

and hunting trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Frank's wife puts her foot

down and tells him he isn't going.

Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank

sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper

cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife

into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting

in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over

my eyes and said 'guess who'?"


I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through

nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had

two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed,

handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.

And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."


So here I am.

user38755

Grocery Store Stock Boy
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Resta

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said - "I lost my grandpa!" .
The cop asked:- "whats he like ?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied:-"jack daniel whiskey and women with big tits."

CScalf

There's a Marine, an Airforce Commando, a Navy Seal and a Green Beret sitting around a campfire telling each-other how mean and tough they are.

The Green Beret - "I can swim 50 miles and bite the head off a live chicken. One Green Beret is worth 5 other men."

The Airforce Commando says - "I can clear runways one-handed and kill a man with my bare hands. One Airforce Commando is worth 10 other men."

The Navy Seal says - "Yeah? Well I can dive up to 90 feet without air, and I'm an expert in demolitions. One Navy Seal is worth 13 other men."

The Marine just sat there all this time saying nothing, stirring the fire with his dick.

__________________
"Your problem does not constitute an emergency on my part"

rselectric1

What do you call a latina with no legs?


Answer: Consuelo

__________________
220...221...whatever it takes!

Resta

A young lady got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery.
As a result, her husband offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.
One night she and her husband were watching TV when she broke down crying. "What's the matter?" her husband asked.
"I can't believe you did this for me" she said.
Her husband hugged her and replied: "Don't worry about it, I love you, and I'd do anything for you."
" But how will I ever repay you?" she asked.
With which he replied: "You don't need to repay me, you wouldn't believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheeks."

user38755

Jesus' dad
Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
"See here, old fellow," said Jesus kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is shining, you've got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play-- you're supposed to be blissfully happy! What's wrong?
"Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him."
"Tears sprang from Jesus' eyes. "FATHER!" he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, "PINOCCHIO!"

robin303

FACTS TO PONDER:
(A) The number of physicians in the U. S. is 700,000
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U. S. Dept of Health Human Services.

Now think about this:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U. S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million..)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188
Statistics courtesy of the FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
Out of concern for the public at large, We have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention

__________________
Robin303 Army Air Slideshow

rselectric1

A guy and his pet duck walk up to a theatre to go see a movie. The duck is denied entry.
The guy goes around the corner, stuffs the duck down the front of his pants, then buys a ticket and starts watching the movie.

A little while later, he feels the duck might need some air, so he unzips his fly and lets the ducks head stick out.

An old lady seated next to him whispers to her friend "The guy next to me just unzipped his pants"

Her friend replies "Well if you've seen one, you've seen them all!

Old lady number one replies "But this one is eating my popcorn"

__________________
220...221...whatever it takes!

Resta

ME and MY BOSS

When I take a long time to finish,
I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time,
He is thorough.


When I dont do it,
I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it-
He is busy.


When I do something without being told,
I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same-
He takes the initiative.


When I please my boss,
I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss-
He is cooperating.


When I make a mistake,
I am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake-
He's only human.


When I am out of the office,
I am wondering around.
When my boss is out of the office-
He's on business.


When I am on a day off sick,
I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick-
He must be very ill.


When I apply for leave,
I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave-
It's because he's overworked


When I do good,
my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong-
He never forgets!!

Resta

How to Make a Woman Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. symphatetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food


_________________

skyhook

Attention Headache sufferers.
Obama placed a new tax on aspirin because
It's white and it works.

__________________

RayGoerdt

Oh SkyHook

spdtrx

[quote=RayGoerdt;811703]Oh SkyHook

BCConstruction

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "**** off, you won't bring it back."



My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big ****ing red mark on her forehead.




A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

rselectric1

2 middle eastern men buy a 7-11. For financial reasons they decide a car is too expensive and decide to just ride their camel to work every day.

One day they come out after their shift and discover the camel is missing. They immediately call 911 and the conversation is transcribed below:

911-What is your emergency?

Caller-Our camel has been stolen!

911-Can you describe the camel?

Caller-It is brown and having humps

911-That sounds like most camels. Is there anything that could distinguish your camel from the next?

Caller-Yes it has 2 @ssholes.

911-2 @assholes? What do you mean?

Caller-We know it has 2 @ssholes because when were were riding it to work last week some lady shouted "look at those 2 @ssholes on that camel"

__________________
220...221...whatever it takes!

SC sawdaddy

A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer. With that a man at the bar said I don't want to drink at the same bar as this dog. The dog and the man got into a fight and the man shot the
dog in the foot. With that the dog yelped out of the bar and down the street.

A week later the same dog walked into the same bar, this time he was wearing a black hat, a black vest, black chaps, black boots, a black gun belt with a pair of black colt .45's one on
either side, and a black bandage around his sore foot. He goes up to the bar and says to the bar tender "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"

__________________________________________________ _______________________________________________

SC sawdaddy

A marine boards a plane, sits down in his isle seat and proceeds to take off his shoes and socks and wiggle his toes. A few minuets later two Arabs come down the isle and take the seats beside the marine on the inside by the windows.

After the plane takes off, one of the Arabs wants a Coke but can't catch the attendants eye. The marine smiles and says, "I m on the outside seat, I'll go get you a coke."

When he gets up and walks down the plane a ways, one of the Arabs picks up the marines shoe and spits in it.

The marine comes back in a few minuets with a coke. The other Arab says he thought he'd like a coke also. So the marine smiles again and says ,"I'm already up, I'll get it.

When he leaves again, the other Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The marine comes back, hands the Arab his coke and sits down beside them in his seat and they continue on their flight.

About 20 minuets from their destination the marine slips his feet back into his shoes and right away he knows what has happened. He turns to the two Arabs that are smiling contemptuous at the marine and says to them," We are all brothers in this world and we have got to stop all this childish foolishness. Spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes."

strathd

Anger management

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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an ***hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '***hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ***hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '***hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ***hole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first ***hole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW ***hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"He said, "Yes, it is" I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an ***hole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two ***holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called ***hole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an ***hole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "***hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ***hole," and hung up.

Then I called ***hole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, ***hole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ***," I answered, "Well, ***hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two ***holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work