The Official CT Joke Duel Page

SC sawdaddy

I've had some pretty trucks

SC sawdaddy

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street
corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

CScalf

There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie's lamp. The genie came out and said, "Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double."
The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said,
"Genie, I want a house in Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn't make him happy but, he made his second wish.
"Genie,I want 2 billion dollars." POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn't very happy. The genie says, "You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." The guy says, "Yeah, yeah. I know." So the guy thinks real hard and says "
I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!"

__________________
"Your problem does not constitute an emergency on my part"

SC sawdaddy

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to
see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets
her hair done, new mak eup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was im pressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of
golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the
money on him because she loves him so much.
Again , the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times
the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a
joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future
because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

SC sawdaddy

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so
he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'


The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me..' I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I
got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way
through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and
she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well,
the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was
Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA
taking away my MD because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving
me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'


The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

ampman

while good this one was already posted

__________________
an army of sheep lead by a lion will defeat an army of lions lead by a sheep

corian27

How do you use a condom twice?

Turn it inside out and shake the fv(k out of it.

21gun

I met an old man a few years back and he went on to tell me a bit about himself and his wife. They had been married for almost 50 years and he had never went any place with out his wife. I said wow, That's just awesome, ya'll must really get along great and love eachother an awful lot.you mean you've never had a seperate vaccation or do you mean like the grocery store? He says, nah, i mean i never let her leave my side. Again i said wow, you must really care for her a lot. NAh, he says, if we ever parted she'd expect me to kiss her goodbye, christ, look at that face! Would you kiss her?!

__________________
carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.

21gun

Little Johnny walks into his moms bathroom and finds her putting cold cream on her face. He asks Mommy, why are you putting that on your face? Mommy says it makes mommy pretty. Little Johnny not understanding leaves the room. Later he finds mommy in the bathroom taking off the cold cream and says, What's the matter mommy? Giving up?

__________________
carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.

21gun

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her 9-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.


Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"


"Yes it is," the man replies.


"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.


"No thanks," the man replies.


"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.


"Okay. How much?" the man asks after considering the position he is in.


"25 dollars," the little boy replies.


"25 DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.


The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.


"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.


"Yes it is," replies the man.


"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.


"Okay. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.


"50 dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.


The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."


"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.


"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.


"75 dollars," the little boy says.


"75 DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.


At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"


"Don't you start that crap in here now," the priest replies.

__________________
carpet? no, we dont do carpet.
No sir... that spells CARPENTER.

camaroman2125

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find anyone who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother..

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !"

__________________
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

cleveman

Temel & Idris made a trip out to the wild west of the US back around 1880. They saw some indian scalps in the trading post for sale for $5 each. That was a lot of money back then.

They went out hunting and camped in a tent. Temel woke up in the morning and looked outside the tent and noticed that they were surrounded by Apaches. He went to wake up Idris.

"Idris, wake up. We are rich."

Resta

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."

Resta

Reasons to be Single

Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.

I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those" pants.

I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.

I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".

I'd be painting the town instead of the house.

When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.

I could show my girlfriend where I live.

I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.

The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.

I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.

I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!

I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.

I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.

You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!

Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.

Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.

I wouldn't have to watch sub-titled French films.

I could home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.

I could use my own name at hotels.

I wouldn't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.

When asked his opinion, a single guy can say "Hell yes, you're fat!".

Resta

Boy was constantly wandering in and out of the house, leaving the front or back door wide open.

''Once and for all, will you please close that?'', an exasperated mother pleaded one day. ''Were you born in a barn?''

''No, I was born in a hospital, '' he replied, smirking. ''With automatic doors.''

spdtrx

Subject: FW: Worst first date... This is the funniest
>
> WORST FIRST DATE
> STORY EVER
>
> If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I
> hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is
> probably the funniest date story ever, first date or
> not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
>
> Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most
> embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner
> described her worst first date experience. There was
> absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
>
> She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold...
> and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside
> Salt Lake City , Utah .
> It was a day trip (no overnight). They were
> strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing
> was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed
> home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the
> mountain,
> when she gradually began to realize that she should not
> have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from
> anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her
> companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for
> a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and
> slow going, there came a point where she told him that he
> had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it
> would be the front seat of his car
>
> They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the
> car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she
> didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest
> against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion
> stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
> was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All
> she could think about was the relief she felt despite the
> rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
>
> Upon finishing however, she soon became aware
> of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants,
> the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly
> glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues
> frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to
> disengage her flesh from the
> icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a
> brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
>
> Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of
> the moment, she answered her date's concerns about'
> what is taking so long' with a reply
> that
> indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need
> of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to
> cover herself with her sweater and then, as
> she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing
> She too, got the giggles and when the y finally managed to
> compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as
> hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a
> real problem.
>
> Both agreed it would take something hot to free her
> chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about
> what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place,
> both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her
> free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date
> proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the
> fender.
>
> As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the
> Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be
> 'pants down. 'And you thought your first date was
> embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a
> whole new meaning to being pissed off.'
>
> Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her
> husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

jtpro

http://www.contractortalk.com/f22/of...-61575/index8/ Post #155

Good joke though

SC sawdaddy

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent!' We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her every need.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're lying!!!'

The social worker said, 'Yeah, well . . . you started it.

SC sawdaddy

Jose and Carlos are beggars. They beg in different areas of town. Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about $8.00 or $9.00 a day.
>
> Jose bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day; he drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.
>
> "Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?
>
> Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlo's sign reads; "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support. "What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.
>
> Jose says, "No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9..00 a day!" Carlo's says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"
>
It says, "I only need another ten dollars to get back to Mexico."

jtpro

That's some damn fine "marketing stratagy".