essrmo

There once was a bird called the foo.
As the legend goes, if this bird s**ts on you and
you wash it off, you will die.
One day a man was walking down the street,
a foo bird flew over, took a crap, landed smack dab on the
face of this Gentleman. As it dried, a Stranger approached and told him about the Legend. The Gentleman said ahh, BS, and washed if off. He died a short time later.

Moral of the story is,

(wait for the punchline) if the foo s**ts, wear it.

BobsLandscaping

An old man and an old woman we're fooling around in the closet at a nursing home.

Things were getting hot and heavy. The woman says to the man:

"I should warn you, I have acute angina."

The man replied:

"Thank God, your tits look like hell!"

essrmo

nEighter

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a Cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.



My wife walked into the den and asked "What's on the TV?" I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.



A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a scale.



And that's how the fight started.



I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's how the fight started.



My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I
then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's how the fight started.



I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's how the fight started.



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.

moorewarner

A older woman in a loveless marriage was out shopping for a birthday present for her husband, when she passed by a pet shop with a sign in the window...

"Worlds most amazing frog"

so she went in to inquire.

The store owner told her the frog had the most amazing ability to give fellatio. The wife thought to herself maybe she could get some peace at night and purchased the frog.

She got home, gave the frog to her husband and told him about it's abilities. Her husband takes the frog and heads upstairs. Shortly she begins to hear moaning, it gets louder and louder and then her husband cries out.

A few seconds later she hears him in the kitchen, opening and slamming cabinets, pots and pans getting slammed around. She goes into the kitchen, "what in the hell are you doing in here!?"

Her husband turns to here, "if that frog can cook, your ass is out of here."

nEighter

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'

moorewarner

what do you get when you cross Rogaine with Viagra?















Don King

loneframer

A man walks into a bar, sits down and pulls a small piano out of his gym bag. He then reaches in and pulls out a foot tall guy who commences to play.
The bartender says in amazement,"Where did you get that?"
The man replies,"I just rubbed this old lamp I found."
The bartender says, "May I try?"
The man hands him the lamp. The bartender rubs and out comes a Genie in a puff of smoke. "I will grant you one wish." says the genie.
The bartender says "I wish for a million bucks."
POOF, the bar is filled with a million ducks.
The bartender says,"Hey, I wanted a million bucks, not a million ducks."

The first man replies,"I suppose you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist.

__________________
" It's a Jersey thing, you wouldn't understand"

maninthesea

Q. How do you fit an elephant into a safeway bag?

A. You take the "S" out of "Safe" and the "F" out of "Way"

moorewarner

A man walks into a bar with his pet crocodile, the bartender screams and demands he get the man eating creature out of there!

The man tries to calm the bartender down and says he is very well trained to prove it the man whipped out his cock and put it in the crocodile's mouth, then he hit the crocodile over the head and after a few good smacks he pulls it out and shows the bar tender,

"Look, no marks."

The bartender is still unsure so the man asks...

"Would anyone else like to try?"

The bar is quiet and a few minutes later a blonde in the corner stands up and says...

"I will but don't smack me on the head!"

JPF

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins'.

ampman

going over to a freinds house , i see he has a three legged pig so i ask what happened. my freind tells me the pig saved them from a fire a while back, so he lost his leg in the fire i say. no my freind says " he is such a great pig we hated to eat him all at once"

__________________
T.Boone Pickens " by buying foreign oil we are funding both sides of the war "

maninthesea

A guy is trying to hitch-hike cross country. As he was walking he held his thumb out to everyone passing by. First person to stop was a farmer in a beat up truck. The farmer rolled down the passenger window and asked the guy if he was a democrat or a republican.
"Republican" was the answer and the farmer just drove away.
Next person to stop was a trucker who asked the same question.
Same answer was given and the trucker drove away.
So when a blond drove up in a convertable and asked him if he was a democrat or republican the guy changed his answer to democrat. "well hop in" she says and they head off down the road. She puts her hand on his leg and shortly they are pulled off the road and in the back seat going at it. When all of a sudden the guy starts laughing. "Whats so funny" she asks? "Well, I have only been a democrat for 15 min and I am allready screwing somebody"!

skyhook

There is no F in way.

__________________

skyhook

If a plane flying from Los Angeles to New Mexico crashed on the border between California and Arizona.
Where do they bury the survivors?

__________________

nEighter

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf ballsand sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,"It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity anylonger, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

nEighter

A new sign in the bank lobby reads:
> > 'Please note that this bank is installing new drive-through
ATM machines
> > enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.
> >
> > Customers using this new facility are requested to use the
procedures
> > outlined below when accessing their accounts.
> >
> > After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures
have been
> > developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your
gender.'


MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine..
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and Withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that much of this part is the truth!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car
window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to
its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written
on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash
inside..
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt
in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup..
19. Drive forward two feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card
into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Warren

"Blonde" calls the fire department to report that her house is on fire. " Please come quickly our house is on fire!!" The fire chief tries to calm her. "Mam, calm down and tell me how do we get there?"
Blonde responds:
"Duh!! The big red truck!"

willworkforbeer

Two blondes walk into a building, you'd think one of them would have seen it.

Warren

Car full of blondes drove all the way from New York to Florida to go to Disney World . When they got to Orlando they saw a sign that said " Disney World Left"

So they went home.