Joke To Start Your Weekend With

Double-A · 03-28-2008, 06:51 PM

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden on their Wyoming ranch. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking
at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said,

'Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain sh!t in our garden.”

K2 · 03-28-2008, 06:57 PM

My pink stetson fell off from laughing.

RobertCDF · 03-28-2008, 07:44 PM

I love that one. Even my wife thought it was funny.

trptman · 03-29-2008, 01:00 AM

Here's one that always makes me laugh.

Late one night, two nuns were driving through the Transylvania countryside. Full moon out, the occasion wolf howling, enough strange shadows to make you think there was something behind every tree. As the nuns are getting more and more nervous a small vampire lands on their windshield, hissing and growling menacingly. The nun in the passenger seat sees him first and shrieks while the nun driving turns on the wipers trying to knock him off. The miniature Dracula easily avoids the wipers and begins pounding on the windshield obviously trying to get in. The nun in the passenger seat says a quick prayer and tells the driver to spray him with the washer fluid as she just blessed it and turned it into holy water. Little Dracula gets sprayed and howls in pain but that only makes him madder and he continues pounding as the car swerves down the road. Both nuns are getting scared as nothing they try will dislodge the vampire. Desperately the driver shrieks at the other nun to “show him your cross, show him your cross”. The passenger nun rolls down the window, leans out and yells, “HEY, GET OFF OUR F*&#ING CAR!!”

Ron The Plumber · 05-10-2008, 10:06 AM

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa !" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says...."Probably at work."

TempestV · 05-10-2008, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Easter Egg found in Vista to see it hold down Alt key and hit F-4

Petty Cool

there's another one- hold down the windows key, then hold the e key for about a minute- it also works in xp

**KentWhitten** · 05-10-2008, 06:14 PM

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The
blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." So, her
boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and
shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies
the pieces for a moment, and then looks at the box. He then turns to her
and says, "First of all, no matter what we do we are not going to be able
to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice cup of tea and then we'll put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

billy d · 05-10-2008, 07:33 PM

Moby dick with his wife swimming through the ocean getting a bit bord when a boat sails by.I know a good trick says moby lets swim under the boat and blow bubbles out and rock the boat .What for says his wife O just for some fun says moby.So the two whales swim under the boat and blow bubbles out and rock the boat.One of the sea man falls in the water and moby says quick lets swim over there and eat that sea man.His wife looks at him and says look I went along with the blow job but I'am not swallowing any sea man.

TimSim · 05-12-2008, 11:20 AM

Haha, great jokes! Please keep them coming.

Cdat · 05-13-2008, 10:23 AM

Rules of dating Cdats daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my air nail gun and fasten your pants securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a wood chipper, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Scud coming in overhead. When my Uranium exposure condition starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The face behind the rifle is mine.

Tom M · 05-13-2008, 03:48 PM

I love the blonde one

SteelCity · 05-13-2008, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ron The Plumber

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa !" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says...."Probably at work."

racist as hell, but hilarious if you take it with a grain of salt

Cdat · 05-14-2008, 06:42 AM

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't ***** with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

Cdat · 05-14-2008, 06:44 AM

I should of posted this last Sunday...

The tactful Sergeant...

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"

billy d · 05-14-2008, 02:45 PM

AAAA CDAT love uncle bob LOL near wet me self.More power to you man.

TimSim · 05-15-2008, 06:48 AM

Haha yeah the Uncle bob one was great

essrmo · 05-23-2008, 02:14 AM

A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhaused after an 18 hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says,
"Well great.... that's just great..... some a$$holes got my pen."

billy d · 05-24-2008, 03:29 PM

A guy on his way home from a out of town job gets tired and books into a local hotel.Later he goes down to the bar to drink a beer.In walks the biggest guy he has ever seen in his life with the head the size of a orange.He try's not to look but can't help him self.The man mountain see's this and walks over to him.I seen you looking at me he says.No I didn't mean to really says the guy that's ok says the man mountain I'll tell you what happened.I was stranded for 12 month's on a desert island and one morning after a storm I went down to the beach and seen something moving in the sea weed dragged it out and it was a beautiful young women but when I really looked it was a meremaid you've saved my life she said and you can have 3 wish's so I thought and said Iwant to be home in 24 hrs ok no problem says the meremaid.2nd wish no matter what I draw out of my bank account it will never be emty ok no problem says the meremaid.I looked around and said that just about covers it emm what about sex the meremaid looked at me and said look the end your intereasted in is fish I thought a bit and then said ok what about alittle head.

New Generation · 05-24-2008, 08:37 PM

a penguin is driving down the street
his car breaks down and he he calls the mehcanic
while you wait sir you might want to go get somthing to eat ,says the mehcanic
so he goes across the street and orders a ice cream since he has no arms he eats it with his beak and makes a mess
relizing his car might be done he waddles acroos the stereet
and asks the owner whats up
the mechanic replies well it looks like you blew a seal
he repies no its just ice cream

TimSim · 05-27-2008, 11:07 AM

Haha, I've been trying to find an old one to post that was really funny but no luck, I'll keep looking! Don't want to spoil it yet

03-28-2008, 06:51 PM	#1
Double-A View Profile Double-A Moderator Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (4,618) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Moderator Trade: GC - Remodeling Specialists Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Arkansas Posts: 4,618	Joke To Start Your Weekend With A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden on their Wyoming ranch. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied. 'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. 'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.' The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, 'Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain sh!t in our garden.” __________________ "My clients’ wishes are the center of my attention." -- David Guido, a contractor in Woodstock, N.Y. New York Times, July 20, 2006

03-28-2008, 06:57 PM	#2
K2 View Profile K2 Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (2,604) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: Licensed Colorado electrician, licensed B-1 GC Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Colorado Front Range Posts: 2,604	Re: Joke To Start Your Weekend With My pink stetson fell off from laughing.

03-28-2008, 07:44 PM	#3
RobertCDF View Profile RobertCDF Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (4,317) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (8) View All Activity Pro Trade: Custom deck builder Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado Posts: 4,317	Re: Joke To Start Your Weekend With I love that one. Even my wife thought it was funny. __________________ Robert Shaw Colorado Springs Custom Decks Colorado Custom Decks Custom Composite Decks

03-29-2008, 01:00 AM	#4
trptman View Profile trptman Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (440) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: remodeling and restorations Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Ohio Posts: 440	Re: Joke To Start Your Weekend With Here's one that always makes me laugh. Late one night, two nuns were driving through the Transylvania countryside. Full moon out, the occasion wolf howling, enough strange shadows to make you think there was something behind every tree. As the nuns are getting more and more nervous a small vampire lands on their windshield, hissing and growling menacingly. The nun in the passenger seat sees him first and shrieks while the nun driving turns on the wipers trying to knock him off. The miniature Dracula easily avoids the wipers and begins pounding on the windshield obviously trying to get in. The nun in the passenger seat says a quick prayer and tells the driver to spray him with the washer fluid as she just blessed it and turned it into holy water. Little Dracula gets sprayed and howls in pain but that only makes him madder and he continues pounding as the car swerves down the road. Both nuns are getting scared as nothing they try will dislodge the vampire. Desperately the driver shrieks at the other nun to “show him your cross, show him your cross”. The passenger nun rolls down the window, leans out and yells, “HEY, GET OFF OUR F*&#ING CAR!!”

05-10-2008, 10:06 AM	#5
Ron The Plumber View Profile Ron The Plumber Pro Plumber Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (2,779) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Plumber Trade: Plumber Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 2,779	Re: Joke To Start Your Weekend With A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !" The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa !" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The African lady checks her watch and says...."Probably at work."

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05-10-2008, 06:14 PM	#7
KentWhitten View Profile KentWhitten The Duke Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (10,101) Photos (11) Reviews (4) Projects (2) Toolbox (6) View All Activity The Duke Trade: Cabinet Maker Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Portland, Maine Posts: 10,101	Re: Joke To Start Your Weekend With A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." So, her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, and then looks at the box. He then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea and then we'll put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box." __________________ If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place ~Lao Tzu Custom Cabinetry - Portland, Cape Elizabeth, Scarborough, Kennebunkport, Yarmouth, Falmouth, Cumberland, Ogunquit, Maine Salmon Falls Cabinetry

05-10-2008, 07:33 PM	#8
billy d View Profile billy d Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (429) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: carpenter Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: South west Germany Posts: 429	Re: Joke To Start Your Weekend With Moby dick with his wife swimming through the ocean getting a bit bord when a boat sails by.I know a good trick says moby lets swim under the boat and blow bubbles out and rock the boat .What for says his wife O just for some fun says moby.So the two whales swim under the boat and blow bubbles out and rock the boat.One of the sea man falls in the water and moby says quick lets swim over there and eat that sea man.His wife looks at him and says look I went along with the blow job but I'am not swallowing any sea man.

05-12-2008, 11:20 AM	#9
TimSim View Profile TimSim Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (132) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: Construction Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 132	Re: Joke To Start Your Weekend With Haha, great jokes! Please keep them coming. __________________ Devonshire DIY! Family get 10% off For anyone looking to buy windows: Anglian conservatories Told by a mate they were good so just passing on the favour

05-13-2008, 10:23 AM	#10
Cdat View Profile Cdat egotistical prick Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (2,633) Photos (9) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity egotistical prick Trade: Wood Inlay Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Swartz Creek, Michigan Posts: 2,633	Re: Joke To Start Your Weekend With Rules of dating Cdats daughter Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my air nail gun and fasten your pants securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a wood chipper, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Scud coming in overhead. When my Uranium exposure condition starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The face behind the rifle is mine.

05-13-2008, 03:48 PM	#11
Tom M View Profile Tom M Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (1,886) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: GC/ Interior & Exterior Remodeling Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Bergen County, NJ Posts: 1,886	Re: Joke To Start Your Weekend With I love the blonde one

05-14-2008, 06:42 AM	#13
Cdat View Profile Cdat egotistical prick Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (2,633) Photos (9) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity egotistical prick Trade: Wood Inlay Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Swartz Creek, Michigan Posts: 2,633	Re: Joke To Start Your Weekend With The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess" "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't ***** with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

05-14-2008, 06:44 AM	#14
Cdat View Profile Cdat egotistical prick Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (2,633) Photos (9) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity egotistical prick Trade: Wood Inlay Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Swartz Creek, Michigan Posts: 2,633	Re: Joke To Start Your Weekend With I should of posted this last Sunday... The tactful Sergeant... The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"

05-14-2008, 02:45 PM	#15
billy d View Profile billy d Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (429) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: carpenter Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: South west Germany Posts: 429	Re: Joke To Start Your Weekend With AAAA CDAT love uncle bob LOL near wet me self.More power to you man.

05-15-2008, 06:48 AM	#16
TimSim View Profile TimSim Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (132) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: Construction Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 132	Re: Joke To Start Your Weekend With Haha yeah the Uncle bob one was great __________________ Devonshire DIY! Family get 10% off For anyone looking to buy windows: Anglian conservatories Told by a mate they were good so just passing on the favour

05-23-2008, 02:14 AM	#17
essrmo View Profile essrmo Maxi-Pier Tech Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (478) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Maxi-Pier Tech Trade: foundation specialist Join Date: May 2007 Location: Riverside, Ca. Posts: 478	Re: Joke To Start Your Weekend With A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhaused after an 18 hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says, "Well great.... that's just great..... some a$$holes got my pen."

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05-24-2008, 03:29 PM	#18
billy d View Profile billy d Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (429) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: carpenter Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: South west Germany Posts: 429	Re: Joke To Start Your Weekend With A guy on his way home from a out of town job gets tired and books into a local hotel.Later he goes down to the bar to drink a beer.In walks the biggest guy he has ever seen in his life with the head the size of a orange.He try's not to look but can't help him self.The man mountain see's this and walks over to him.I seen you looking at me he says.No I didn't mean to really says the guy that's ok says the man mountain I'll tell you what happened.I was stranded for 12 month's on a desert island and one morning after a storm I went down to the beach and seen something moving in the sea weed dragged it out and it was a beautiful young women but when I really looked it was a meremaid you've saved my life she said and you can have 3 wish's so I thought and said Iwant to be home in 24 hrs ok no problem says the meremaid.2nd wish no matter what I draw out of my bank account it will never be emty ok no problem says the meremaid.I looked around and said that just about covers it emm what about sex the meremaid looked at me and said look the end your intereasted in is fish I thought a bit and then said ok what about alittle head.

05-24-2008, 08:37 PM	#19
New Generation View Profile New Generation 4TH Generation Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (20) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity 4TH Generation Trade: tile stone marble granite Join Date: May 2008 Location: orange county Posts: 20	Re: Joke To Start Your Weekend With a penguin is driving down the street his car breaks down and he he calls the mehcanic while you wait sir you might want to go get somthing to eat ,says the mehcanic so he goes across the street and orders a ice cream since he has no arms he eats it with his beak and makes a mess relizing his car might be done he waddles acroos the stereet and asks the owner whats up the mechanic replies well it looks like you blew a seal he repies no its just ice cream

05-27-2008, 11:07 AM	#20
TimSim View Profile TimSim Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (132) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: Construction Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 132	Re: Joke To Start Your Weekend With Haha, I've been trying to find an old one to post that was really funny but no luck, I'll keep looking! Don't want to spoil it yet __________________ Devonshire DIY! Family get 10% off For anyone looking to buy windows: Anglian conservatories Told by a mate they were good so just passing on the favour