Joke Of The Day

DecksEtc

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Wal-Mart . Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is
like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato ju ice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's
on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets
from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ' Madonna
look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18 : Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21 : When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!' And last, but not least ..

15. October 23 : Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

skyhook

Q: What is the fastest growing city in California ?

A: Dublin, because it's Dublin everyday.

__________________

1mancrew

Union Rules & Hookers----A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'

'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'

'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules.'
The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'
'That's more like it!' the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

'I'd like her,' he said.
'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'

__________________
www.KirbyCustomHomes.com

Bodger

A Chinese man was having sex with his wife.

Suddenly, she screams: "I WANT 69!"

The man says: "Why you want Beef and Bloccoli NOW?!"

Forry

A man walks into a bar and sits down.
The man has a little 1 foot tall man sitting on his shoulder playing a little piano.
The bartender says, "ok, I have to know the story behind this".
The may says, "well, I found this lamp with a genie in it and got three wishes.
My first wish was to be independently wealthy.
My second wish was to live a long and happy life".
The bartender says, "so... what was your third wish?".
The man says,












"come on buddy, you don't really think I wished for a 12 inch "pianist" do you?"

__________________
now i am scared for my future
i've got all ten
smashed a lot of them stupidly before
-john5mt

ChainsawCharlie

From my nephew today....

Why does Ronald McDonald always put his right shoe on first?

Because the other one is always left.

Bodger

What do Chinese couples name their children when they are a little off?




Something Wong.

woodworkbykirk

a man walks into a bar with a crocodile on a leash trailing behind him. sits down at the bar orders a beer. bartender says thats quite the animal you got there.

man with crocodile responds " wanna see a trick"
bartender replies " sure"
so the man with the crocodile takes off his pants then takes his now empty beer bottle and taps the crocodile on the head, the crocodile opens its mouth then the man puts his doins in the crocodiles mouth, he taps the crocodile on the head again with the empty bear bottle, waits 1 minute then taps the crocodile once again. the crocodile opens its mouth then the man removes his doins from the crocs mouth and puts his pants back on..

bartender "wow, that was really something"
man with crocodile " cool trick eh, who else hear wants to try it"
a blond girl who was watching comes over and says "ill try it, but dont hit me on the head with the beer bottle"

__________________
putting down subfloor with glue and screws, well i saw dr. smith and the robot too , i had a martian burger and a sonic shake