Joke Of The Day

Tom M · 10-25-2007, 11:07 AM

Subject: 'Potentially' and 'Realistically'

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
Difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
She would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your Sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
Dollars

Then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
Dollars.

Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
For a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could
Really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great
University! "

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad
Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks
Would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
Dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically' ?"

The boy replied, "Yes. 'Potentially' , you and I are sitting on three
Million dollars, but 'realistically' , we're living with two whores and
A homo.

**Cole** · 10-25-2007, 11:10 AM

dlcj · 10-25-2007, 11:11 AM

daArch · 12-29-2007, 06:23 PM

there was a man who, when passing gas, produced the sound "Honda"

Although not critically worrisome, it did bothered him enough to see a proctologist. As he was explaining the oddity to the doc, it came about that he was able to demonstrate the affliction...."HONNNDA".

The doctor asked the man to drop his pants and put his elbows on the exam table. On goes the rubber gloves and an inspection of his sphincter ensued, "ah ha". The doctor swabbed the area with a local anesthesia and performed a very minor procedure. While the doctor was telling the man that he needed to use a softer toilet tissue, the man was able to test the results of the procedure. Sure enough, BRRRRAAPTPTPTPT !

The man looked bewildered but pleased and asked the doctor what it was.

"you had a small pus filled inflammation"

"but I don't understand"

"well I think it was Confucius who put it best, 'Abscess makes the fart go Honda' "

**KentWhitten** · 12-29-2007, 06:29 PM

JohnJ0906 · 12-29-2007, 11:46 PM

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.

Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.

I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do.

What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,

"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:

"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,

"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,

"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

SelfContract · 12-30-2007, 12:02 AM

All are good. We need more construction jokes.

kyle181 · 12-30-2007, 12:30 AM

pete and repeat were on a boat , pete fell off , who was left? {repeat} pete and repeat were on a boat , pete fell off, who was left ? f'in hillarifunnious isnt it?

Rich Turley · 12-30-2007, 07:24 AM

I knew I was getting old when I walked into a department store and when the salesperson asked if she could help me, I replied "I need some underwear." She asked, "boxers or briefs?" After a short pause, I answered,

"Depends"

Rich

rbsremodeling · 12-30-2007, 07:46 AM

Don't think this will last on here to long but here it goes

two guys in a bar strike up a conversation. One ask the other if he know how to play Bar football. Other guy says never heard of it. Guys explains you drink a beer and if you can belch after words its a touch down 7 points if you can fart after that its a punt 3 points. They begin banging down beers and belching away game is tied up 21 to 21. one guy stands up after belching leans over and puts his hands on the bar and says I am going for a punt. Other guys gets behind him drops both their pants and sticks it in him. Guy screems what the hell are you doing. Other guy yells gotta block that punt, gotta block that punt

threaderman · 12-30-2007, 09:21 AM

Picture a 5 story bldg. just completed.You have an illegal person and an unlicensed person,they both jump off the highest part of the building at the EXACT same time! Who hits the ground first.....?

............WHO CARES!!!!!!!!!!!

ABLE1 · 12-30-2007, 10:56 AM

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with
Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!!

boman47k · 01-02-2008, 12:54 PM

Sales ( get your foot in the door)

Henry worked for a tooth brush distributor selling door to door. Due partly to a speech impediment, Henry was having a very hard time doing door to door selling. His boss called him to discuss his future with the company and his low production. Henry related that customers would slam the door in his face. Boss tells Henry he needed to come with a gimmick to get his foor in the door and gave him two more weeks to improve or he would have to let him go. Two weeks go by and Henry sales have sky rocketed. The bboss was amazed and called him back in to explain the great turn around. Boss told him to pretend he ( the boss) was a customer and try to sell him a tooth brush. Henry says, '"onay!" Henry goes out shuts the door and knocks. Boss answers and says, "yes?" Henry replies, "Nello nir, nike no buy a noothbrush?" Boss replies, "NO!" and starts to slam the door, but Henry sticks his foot in the door and says, "Oh well, have a pice of candy anyway." Boss puts the candy in his mouth, makes an awful face and says, "Eww, tastes like ***t!" Henry replies, "Nis n**t. Wanna buy a tnootbrush?"

Nopte: No offense to anyone with a speech impediment. I myself grew up with an aggravating stutter/stammer.

oldfrt · 01-02-2008, 06:23 PM

The Outhouse...

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.....Pa mosies out to the outhouse,looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

oldfrt · 01-02-2008, 06:25 PM

Two hillbillies are eating in a restaurant.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says,

"Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!

oldfrt · 01-02-2008, 06:39 PM

Bobby
walks into a bar and sees his old friend Billy slumped over the bar

He walks over and asks Billy what's wrong

"Well," replies Billy,
"you know that beautiful girl at Ann's deli, that I wanted to ask out,
but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Bobby with a laugh.

"Well," says Billy, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Bobby,
"When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Billy,
"but I was worried I'd get an erection again.
So I got some duct tape and taped my private parts to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Bobby.

"So I get to her door," says Billy, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest, tightest, dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then ask Bobby?"

(Billy, slumps back over the bar again.)

***I KICKED HER IN THE FACE***

send_it_all · 01-03-2008, 02:14 AM

Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender.."it's my birthday...line me up 20 shots of tequila"...so the bartender pours the shots and the man downs all 20 and walks out the door.

Exactly one year later the same man walks in and says "it's my birthday....line me up one shot of tequila".

The bartender says "I remember you from last year, you had 20 shots".

The man says "yeah but after I left here I went home and blew chunks all night long".

The bartender replies.."Of course...any body would throw up after 20 shots of tequila"

The man says..."You don't understand...I didn't say I threw up. Chunks is my dog's name"

daArch · 01-03-2008, 08:06 PM

A young man is invited to his new girl friend's house for family Sunday sit down dinner. Needless to say he's a tad nervous and his stomach is a churning. Before getting to the door, he blows off some excess gas to relieve the pressure. He meets the family including the matriarch of the family, the girl's grandmother. After some small talk they all sit down at the table for a nice roast beef dinner with all the fixins.

Well, as soup was being consumed his nervous stomach decide to act up and a large gas bubble started its way to freedom. Our young friend tried his best to hold it back .... but who can argue with mother nature, and out came a long high pitched freeeeeeeeep. Before he could say anything, the grandmother called out in a disgusted voice, "Rover !".

Our young hero jumped in surprise and looked about. Under his chair was the family dog. He thanked his lucky stars for the decoy.

During the main course, again his stomach wanted to bring this dinner to an early end and offered up another fragrant fog. And again he tried his best to stem the tide, but alas his sphincter muscles were no match, brrrrraaaaapppppt. And once more, Grandma shouted out in disdain, "ROVVERRRR !!", who was still under the young man's chair

Well, as you can guess, during desert, once again the Geneva Convention was violated by another impending gas attack. But our friend was not going to needlessly cause himself pain and discomfort. He surreptitiously checked under his chair to make sure Rover had not moved and let fly a thunder blast. Before the last echoes had stopped reverberating off the walls, the family matriarch, beside herself, yelled most emphatically, "ROVER ! !! ... Get out before he SH!TS on you "

oldfrt · 01-03-2008, 08:12 PM

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea!"

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so. But he thinks for awhile and thinks, "Why shouldn't I be at the bar if I want to?"

He walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!! -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears!"

Ahren · 01-03-2008, 08:27 PM

A construction worker came home to find his wife sleeping with another man. He then dragged the man down to the garage and put the man's unit in a vice. He clamped it in tight and removed the handle. He then picked up a hacksaw. Terrified, the man screamed, "Please, no! You're not going to cut it off are you?" The husband replied, "Nope, you are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

10-25-2007, 11:07 AM	#1
Tom M View Profile Tom M Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (1,886) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: GC/ Interior & Exterior Remodeling Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Bergen County, NJ Posts: 1,886	Joke Of The Day *Subject:* 'Potentially' and 'Realistically' A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the Difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if She would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your Sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million Dollars Then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million Dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt For a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could Really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University! " The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks Would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his Dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?" The boy replied, "Yes. 'Potentially' , you and I are sitting on three Million dollars, but 'realistically' , we're living with two whores and A homo.

10-25-2007, 11:10 AM	#2
Cole View Profile Cole Mod / ArchiBuilder Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (6,611) Photos (1) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Mod / ArchiBuilder Trade: Design/Build Outdoor Living Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: ArkLaTexOma Posts: 6,611	Re: Joke Of The Day __________________ Tulsa's Leader in Outdoor Living Construction \| Facebook \| Tulsa Pergola Builder \| Tulsa Outdoor Kitchens

10-25-2007, 11:11 AM	#3
dlcj View Profile dlcj Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (789) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: home builder carpenter Central Alabama Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: valley grande, al Posts: 789	Re: Joke Of The Day

12-29-2007, 06:23 PM	#4
daArch View Profile daArch turning houses into homes Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (1,261) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity turning houses into homes Trade: Wallcovering Installation Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Norfolk, MA Posts: 1,261	Re: Joke Of The Day there was a man who, when passing gas, produced the sound "Honda" Although not critically worrisome, it did bothered him enough to see a proctologist. As he was explaining the oddity to the doc, it came about that he was able to demonstrate the affliction...."HONNNDA". The doctor asked the man to drop his pants and put his elbows on the exam table. On goes the rubber gloves and an inspection of his sphincter ensued, "ah ha". The doctor swabbed the area with a local anesthesia and performed a very minor procedure. While the doctor was telling the man that he needed to use a softer toilet tissue, the man was able to test the results of the procedure. Sure enough, BRRRRAAPTPTPTPT ! The man looked bewildered but pleased and asked the doctor what it was. "you had a small pus filled inflammation" "but I don't understand" "well I think it was Confucius who put it best, 'Abscess makes the fart go Honda' " __________________ Wallcovering Installations by Bill Archibald\|paperhanger\|Eastern Mass\|Greater Boston Area\|Dover\|Wellesley\|Franklin\|Sharon\|MA

12-29-2007, 06:29 PM	#5
KentWhitten View Profile KentWhitten The Duke Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (10,093) Photos (11) Reviews (4) Projects (2) Toolbox (6) View All Activity The Duke Trade: Cabinet Maker Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Portland, Maine Posts: 10,093	Re: Joke Of The Day __________________ If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place ~Lao Tzu Custom Cabinetry - Portland, Cape Elizabeth, Scarborough, Kennebunkport, Yarmouth, Falmouth, Cumberland, Ogunquit, Maine Salmon Falls Cabinetry

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12-30-2007, 12:02 AM	#7
SelfContract View Profile SelfContract Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (1,362) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: Home Remodeling Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 1,362	Re: Joke Of The Day All are good. We need more construction jokes.

12-30-2007, 12:30 AM	#8
kyle181 View Profile kyle181 Journeyman Plumber Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (34) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Journeyman Plumber Trade: Plumbing Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: michigan Posts: 34	Re: Joke Of The Day pete and repeat were on a boat , pete fell off , who was left? {repeat} pete and repeat were on a boat , pete fell off, who was left ? f'in hillarifunnious isnt it?

12-30-2007, 07:24 AM	#9
Rich Turley View Profile Rich Turley Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (274) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: Residential Remodel Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Near Seattle Posts: 274	Re: Joke Of The Day I knew I was getting old when I walked into a department store and when the salesperson asked if she could help me, I replied "I need some underwear." She asked, "boxers or briefs?" After a short pause, I answered, "Depends" Rich

12-30-2007, 07:46 AM	#10
rbsremodeling View Profile rbsremodeling Professional Instigator Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (6,872) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Professional Instigator Trade: Design Build Remodeling Contractor DC MD Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Washington, DC/ Maryland Posts: 6,872	Re: Joke Of The Day Don't think this will last on here to long but here it goes two guys in a bar strike up a conversation. One ask the other if he know how to play Bar football. Other guy says never heard of it. Guys explains you drink a beer and if you can belch after words its a touch down 7 points if you can fart after that its a punt 3 points. They begin banging down beers and belching away game is tied up 21 to 21. one guy stands up after belching leans over and puts his hands on the bar and says I am going for a punt. Other guys gets behind him drops both their pants and sticks it in him. Guy screems what the hell are you doing. Other guy yells gotta block that punt, gotta block that punt __________________

12-30-2007, 09:21 AM	#11
threaderman View Profile threaderman Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (1,178) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: Plumbing & Gas Contractor Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Oklahoma city Posts: 1,178	Re: Joke Of The Day Picture a 5 story bldg. just completed.You have an illegal person and an unlicensed person,they both jump off the highest part of the building at the EXACT same time! Who hits the ground first.....? ............WHO CARES!!!!!!!!!!!

12-30-2007, 10:56 AM	#12
ABLE1 View Profile ABLE1 Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (749) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: Security Alarm Installer (Low Voltage) Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 749	Re: Joke Of The Day Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.) Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!! __________________ ABLE1

01-02-2008, 12:54 PM	#13
boman47k View Profile boman47k Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (3,700) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: Painting Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Florence, Alabama Posts: 3,700	Re: Joke Of The Day Sales ( get your foot in the door) Henry worked for a tooth brush distributor selling door to door. Due partly to a speech impediment, Henry was having a very hard time doing door to door selling. His boss called him to discuss his future with the company and his low production. Henry related that customers would slam the door in his face. Boss tells Henry he needed to come with a gimmick to get his foor in the door and gave him two more weeks to improve or he would have to let him go. Two weeks go by and Henry sales have sky rocketed. The bboss was amazed and called him back in to explain the great turn around. Boss told him to pretend he ( the boss) was a customer and try to sell him a tooth brush. Henry says, '"onay!" Henry goes out shuts the door and knocks. Boss answers and says, "yes?" Henry replies, "Nello nir, nike no buy a noothbrush?" Boss replies, "NO!" and starts to slam the door, but Henry sticks his foot in the door and says, "Oh well, have a pice of candy anyway." Boss puts the candy in his mouth, makes an awful face and says, "Eww, tastes like *t!" Henry replies, "Nis nt. Wanna buy a tnootbrush?" Nopte: No offense to anyone with a speech impediment. I myself grew up with an aggravating stutter/stammer.

01-02-2008, 06:23 PM	#14
oldfrt View Profile oldfrt Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (2,039) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: Remodeling Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Northwest Connecticut Posts: 2,039	Re: Joke Of The Day The Outhouse... Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So.....Pa mosies out to the outhouse,looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!" __________________ https://www.facebook.com/pages/John-...94183374011504

01-02-2008, 06:25 PM	#15
oldfrt View Profile oldfrt Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (2,039) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: Remodeling Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Northwest Connecticut Posts: 2,039	Re: Joke Of The Day Two hillbillies are eating in a restaurant. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't niver seed nobody do it! __________________ https://www.facebook.com/pages/John-...94183374011504

01-02-2008, 06:39 PM	#16
oldfrt View Profile oldfrt Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (2,039) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: Remodeling Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Northwest Connecticut Posts: 2,039	Re: Joke Of The Day Bobby walks into a bar and sees his old friend Billy slumped over the bar He walks over and asks Billy what's wrong "Well," replies Billy, "you know that beautiful girl at Ann's deli, that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Bobby with a laugh. "Well," says Billy, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Bobby, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Billy, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my private parts to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Bobby. "So I get to her door," says Billy, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest, tightest, dress you ever saw." "And what happened then ask Bobby?" (Billy, slumps back over the bar again.) *I KICKED HER IN THE FACE* __________________ https://www.facebook.com/pages/John-...94183374011504

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01-03-2008, 02:14 AM	#17
send_it_all View Profile send_it_all Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (1,989) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: general contractor/ remodeling Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Orange County, Ca. Posts: 1,989	Re: Joke Of The Day Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender.."it's my birthday...line me up 20 shots of tequila"...so the bartender pours the shots and the man downs all 20 and walks out the door. Exactly one year later the same man walks in and says "it's my birthday....line me up one shot of tequila". The bartender says "I remember you from last year, you had 20 shots". The man says "yeah but after I left here I went home and blew chunks all night long". The bartender replies.."Of course...any body would throw up after 20 shots of tequila" The man says..."You don't understand...I didn't say I threw up. Chunks is my dog's name"

01-03-2008, 08:06 PM	#18
daArch View Profile daArch turning houses into homes Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (1,261) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity turning houses into homes Trade: Wallcovering Installation Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Norfolk, MA Posts: 1,261	Re: Joke Of The Day A young man is invited to his new girl friend's house for family Sunday sit down dinner. Needless to say he's a tad nervous and his stomach is a churning. Before getting to the door, he blows off some excess gas to relieve the pressure. He meets the family including the matriarch of the family, the girl's grandmother. After some small talk they all sit down at the table for a nice roast beef dinner with all the fixins. Well, as soup was being consumed his nervous stomach decide to act up and a large gas bubble started its way to freedom. Our young friend tried his best to hold it back .... but who can argue with mother nature, and out came a long high pitched freeeeeeeeep. Before he could say anything, the grandmother called out in a disgusted voice, "Rover !". Our young hero jumped in surprise and looked about. Under his chair was the family dog. He thanked his lucky stars for the decoy. During the main course, again his stomach wanted to bring this dinner to an early end and offered up another fragrant fog. And again he tried his best to stem the tide, but alas his sphincter muscles were no match, brrrrraaaaapppppt. And once more, Grandma shouted out in disdain, "ROVVERRRR !!", who was still under the young man's chair Well, as you can guess, during desert, once again the Geneva Convention was violated by another impending gas attack. But our friend was not going to needlessly cause himself pain and discomfort. He surreptitiously checked under his chair to make sure Rover had not moved and let fly a thunder blast. Before the last echoes had stopped reverberating off the walls, the family matriarch, beside herself, yelled most emphatically, "ROVER ! !! ... Get out before he SH!TS on you " __________________ Wallcovering Installations by Bill Archibald\|paperhanger\|Eastern Mass\|Greater Boston Area\|Dover\|Wellesley\|Franklin\|Sharon\|MA

01-03-2008, 08:12 PM	#19
oldfrt View Profile oldfrt Pro Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (2,039) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Trade: Remodeling Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Northwest Connecticut Posts: 2,039	Re: Joke Of The Day There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea!" The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so. But he thinks for awhile and thinks, "Why shouldn't I be at the bar if I want to?" He walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!! -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears!" __________________ https://www.facebook.com/pages/John-...94183374011504

01-03-2008, 08:27 PM	#20
Ahren View Profile Ahren Pro Deck Guy Send Message Follow Blogs (0) Threads (394) Photos (0) Reviews (0) Projects (0) Toolbox (0) View All Activity Pro Deck Guy Trade: Jim's free government helper Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: CT Posts: 394	Re: Joke Of The Day A construction worker came home to find his wife sleeping with another man. He then dragged the man down to the garage and put the man's unit in a vice. He clamped it in tight and removed the handle. He then picked up a hacksaw. Terrified, the man screamed, "Please, no! You're not going to cut it off are you?" The husband replied, "Nope, you are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."