Here's A Good Laugh, Try Not To Cry While Reading

jcalvin

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I
sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
Needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .
. WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had
never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the
fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would
be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),
I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

__________________
Cal


You hired WHO

threaderman

Holy crap,what a story.Thanks for sharing and I might ad expertly written,I frickin rolled and pictured myself doing the same thing.What's the reward for finding the nuts

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Joe ---International Code Council Member

Your plumbing & gas specialist proudly serving Oklahoma City OK, Moore, Warr-acres, Norman, Midwest City, Edmond, Bethany, Forest Park

Celtic

...and video tape it for us...you can post it on youtube

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jcalvin

I wish I could take the credit for writing that myself, but I can't. However, I am proud to say that even I'm not that stupid, the dog's shocking collar taught me a good enough lesson.

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Cal


You hired WHO

Celtic

...and video tape it for us...you can post it on youtube

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Cdat

This same e-mail was posted on here a month or so ago.

neolitic

I sure needed that today.
I was starting to wonder if
I'd ever laugh again.......
That was roll on the floor stuff.

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Put your location in your profile!
(Sorry....it seems there really are dumb questions)

JumboJack

+ YouTube Video

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in texas with framing and cornish people will do it for 3.00 a foot. What do yall think about that? Just laber

send_it_all

Deer Hunting - why they use guns - 02-11-2009, 07:12 PM
Why Deer Hunters Use Guns (Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms.)

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer-- no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts!

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down. Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying lie a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.

jcalvin

Ones like these never get old. I don't care how many times you read it, it is still funny as crap.

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Cal


You hired WHO

JumboJack

Some knucklehead sent me this.

A married man's interal thoughts on New Years Eve...

8:15 p.m.

This isn't so bad. Just me, my wife, and some of our married friends. Oh, nice, someone brought out Trivial Pursuit. That's cool. Why do we have to break into couples teams? What if I wanted to play by myself? I don't even get a say? They just declare it's teams without asking anyone? What is this Nazi f*&king Germany? Fine then I'm taking off this sweater my wife made me wear. Don't shoot me a look, I'll take off my sweater if I want to take off my sweater, because I do what I want! Hmm, I probably shouldn't take off my sweater if I want to have the chance of having sex later. Whoa, Bob's wife has some huge titties. I really hope she rolls a six and has to lean over and move their piece to the Sports & Leisure square. Six! YES! Look at those things.
10:30
Am I wearing a sign that says tell me about your boring as f*&k job? I think if I go to the bathroom I could probably sit in there until like ten or fifteen minutes before 12:00 and no one would notice. I wonder how many of these glasses of wine have I had.

11:38
Ryan Seacrest is a f*&kin' homo! I'm gonna tell my wife that. Whoa, that did not go over well. Everybody's looking at me all weird and ****. F them. EFF...THEM.


11:47
I'm takin' this sweater off. I wish someone had some weed. If my buddy Roger was here he'd have weed and we'd "s" to the "moke" that ****. I need to get some air on the balcony, bitches. Whoa, this party next door sounds waaaaay better than this dumb party. Dang, there's some girls in that party with some really big titties. I bet if I told that party Ryan Seacrest is a homo they'd laugh and ****. Not like my dumb ass wife who just has medium sized titties.

11:59
Duuuuude, yo soy boracho. Oh ****, it's like one minute. Whoa, what the f*&k is wrong with Dick Clark? Ha, I'm gonna do an impression of him for everybody , that **** will be hilaaaarious. Whoa, that did not go over well. Way worse than the Seacrest thing. ****, twenty seconds. I gotta find Bob's big tittied wife and stand next to her and then she'll be like "where's Bob," and I'll be like "right here, bitch." Great, here comes my wife! Ha, I should tell her that one. Nah, maybe not. Ugh, I'm not feeling so good. Feels like a ferret **** in my stomach. Ugh, oh no, here comes the wife, keep it togeth- BLWAAAAAH.
__________________________________________________ _____

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in texas with framing and cornish people will do it for 3.00 a foot. What do yall think about that? Just laber

loneframer

Anybody ever grab a lawnmower sparkplug while it's running? Nah, me niether.

Ed the Roofer

Ed

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ChainsawCharlie

Not a lawnmower, but when I was younger, my FIL was teaching me the finer points of auto mechanics. Timing, to be precise. Car is running, and he says to me "Grab the distributor cap and give it a little twist".

TempestV

when checking if a cylinder isn't firing by removing the spark plug wire, it's best not to be grounded. found that one out the hard way.

ModernStyle

When I was 18 I bought a stun gun and managed to zap myself with it. A guy owed me some money so I go to where he hangs out and figure since he is bigger then me I could zap him a little and the kick the crap outta him. So i go over to his spot and pull up in my truck, the stun gun is on the seat next to me, I reach over to grab it so I can jump out and run at the guy when my finger hits one of the prongs and my thumb hits the button. It shocked the crap outta me, but not like the guy in the first story. After I found out it really didn't hurt too bad my friends and I used it on people all the time. We would sneak up behind a guy holding a beer can and zap the can. Wait for someone coming out of the bathroom and zap the doorknob. We would even get drunk and have contest to see who could stand the longest time being zapped. Needless to say when the stun gun was finally confiscated by the police after a night of debauchery, the neighborhood breathed a sigh of relief.

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TempestV

Most of these I've read, but that one is new. Not bad.

RED HORSE 554

Well at least you know it worked and the misses will be good to go with a tool of this measure in her defence typing with tears in his eyes laughing think i would have did the same thing.

loneframer

When I was around 10 , my father taught me the finer points of mowing the grass. His last instruction was, "Whatever you do, don't touch the tip of the sparkplug while the engine is running." Dad walked away and I found out why you don't grab the tip of the sparkplug while the engine is running.Best part is, I never would have if he didn't tell me not to.

dirt diggler

im STILL crackin up


and then i get to the part where you've discovered that you **** yourself





THREAD OF ... LIKE ... THE DECADE

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