The Funny Page

Teetorbilt

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off
of actual police car videos around the country.
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#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate
a worthless document."

#13 "If you run you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't
know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I
can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor; but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now
we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of
yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And......... THE VERY BEST ONE !!!!!!!

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here." OUCH!

Beer Theories

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Babe Ruth
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Lyndon B. Johnson


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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Paul Hornung


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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

H. L. Mencken

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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

George Bernard Shaw


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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin


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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry


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BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!

W. C. Fields


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Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

Professor Irwin Corey


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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

Leo Durocher


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One night at Cheers, Cliff Calvin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.�

__________________
You can't solve you're problems with the same level of thinking that created the problems.

Albert Einstein

Teetorbilt

BAPTIZING A DRUNK

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again: "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

__________________
You can't solve you're problems with the same level of thinking that created the problems.

Albert Einstein

Teetorbilt

ANGER MANAGEMENT:


When I have the occasional bad day and need to take it out on someone, I don't take it out on my loved ones anymore...

I got the idea one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at
1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!" You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 2 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

NOW, I feel better.

This anger management sh*t really works!

__________________
You can't solve you're problems with the same level of thinking that created the problems.

Albert Einstein

Peladu

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The
blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then
handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

jmic

__________________
___"Remember You Never Get A Second Chance To Make A First Impression"______________________
Joe

Peladu

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops in the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

Peladu

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again.
My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the flippen' mushrooms!"

Floorwizard

that is way too funny!

__________________
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"in 20 years you will regret more what you did not do than what you did"

theworx

A cop pulls a car over doing 40 mph over the speed limit. It was a blonde girl driving and he asked for her license. She produced it and he said I'm going to have to right you a ticket. She said she was just following instructions. On the bottom of her license it said tear along the dotted line!!!

ricpacer69

A cop pulls a guy over doing 100 mph. The cop says " I've been waiting for you all day". The guy says " Well I got here as fast as I could".

__________________
Do you know the muffin man?

www.rhcontracting.net

CE1

Butch The Rooster


John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens, called pullets) and eight or ten roosters,
whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any
rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John
could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could
sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening
to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he
was too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the
next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair
and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result... The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece
Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on
our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and
screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

CE1

Subject:: Burritos

After pigging-out on burritos at Taco-Bell the night before, an elderly
couple were attending church services. About halfway through she leans over

and says, " Boy, that Mexican food really gets to me. I

just cut a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

dayspring

There were three men that arrived at the airport all at the same time, they were not together. All three, a lawyer, a doctor and a priest met at the car rental counter, each needing to rent a car. The man @ the counter said, "I'm sorry but we only have one car left." Three discussed who would get the car. During their discussion they found they were all going the same direction. They took off.

After driving for about 3 hours, it was late in the evening, they were in a rural area and the car breaks down. They see a farmhouse nearby and go up to it for help. They knock on the door and the farmer answers it.
One says to him, "Sir our car broke down can you help us?"
The farmer replied, "I'd be glad to but there is nothing open around here till morning. You can stay here for the night, however, there is only room for two of you inside, one of you will have to stay in the barn with the mule."

They agreed and the priest said he would sleep in the barn. After about 30 minutes there was a knock on the door. The farmer answered it and there was the priest. He said, "I'm sorry but I can't stay out there, I have hay fever." Well the other two discuss it and the doctor goes next. Same thing happened. The doctor came back saying, I can't stay out there with that mule, it just stinks too bad. Next the lawyer goes, not liking it at all. After a short time another knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and there stands the mule.

__________________
"Never met a man yet that I couldn't learn something from"
http://remodelingncarolina.com

CE1

dayspring

Good One.

Teetorbilt

BUFFET: Acronym, Big, Ugly, Fat Folks Eating Things.

__________________
You can't solve you're problems with the same level of thinking that created the problems.

Albert Einstein

karma_carpentry

Can a roofing company with a sad, dead, leaking asphalt office roof be any good?

I mean, I know why the best barber has the worst haircut, but something tells me this is different.

Honestly, I want to know the answer.

Double-A

Personally, I've never seen a Cadillac salesman driving a Yugo.

I think you already know the answer to that one.

Only excuse would be that they rent or lease the building.

__________________
"My clients’ wishes are the center of my attention." -- David Guido, a contractor in Woodstock, N.Y.
New York Times, July 20, 2006

theworx

Three Americans go on a fishing trip to a secluded lake in Northern Ontario (Canada). There they are in the middle of the lake in a Canoe when the guy in the middle gets a nibble so he stands up, pulls hard to set the hook, and falls backwards out of the Canoe and sinks. One of the two remaining says: "what now???" Answer: "wait a few seconds and he will surface."

So they waited, 30 sec, 1 min, 2 min, and nothing. So the one guy says: "well I guess I better jump in and find him." So he jumped in, swam to the bottom and searched as long as he could hold his breath and went back up. "Nothing yet but I'll try again." Took a deep breath and searched the bottom again and found him. Straight to the surface he went with guy in tow.

They hoisted him into the boat and the one guy started mouth to mouth. After about 30 sec the guy lifted his head and said: "Wow, I don't remember his breath being so bad!!!" The other replied: "I don't remember him wearing a snowmobile suit!!"

Teetorbilt

Dallas Air Traffic Control

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land on runway 10."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 10 --
Allah be Praised !!"

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land on runway 28 ."


Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 28 . -Allah is Great !!"

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!!
WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!!
INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: " Well, bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear?

__________________
You can't solve you're problems with the same level of thinking that created the problems.

Albert Einstein