A Couple Of Jokes

scentralpirate

A builder dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah sorry, you're in the wrong place."

So the builder reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the builder gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts making improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the builder is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this builder is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an builder? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having a builder on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"



--------------------------------------------------------------


A project manager, a superintendent, and a field engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The superintendent went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me."

The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas. The field engineer went next.

"I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me."

The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean. Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn.

"And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back on site after lunch" replied the project manager.

----------------------------------------------------------------


An architect, an artist and a carpenter were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The carpenter said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Carpenter: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the field and get some work done!


http://www.contractorcity.com/module...ticle&artid=19

Ron The Plumber

Larry is in Room #233

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife

says, "Where in the hell have you been?"



Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."



"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"



"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.



"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her

head in disgust.



"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar

bill tattooed on this privates?"



"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.



Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.



Three, I like how money feels in my hand.



And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can

stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime

you want."


Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital

Ron The Plumber

NO TOILET PAPER

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on
the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped
in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was
wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin
them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a
wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next
day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet
and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to
suspect the worst.. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
stuck to her butt that said..... "From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you."