Chili Contest

DecksEtc

I'm not sure if anyone has seen this before but I was in tears and just about fell off my chair reading this one!

Chili Contest

The notes are from an inexperienced Eastern Sportswriter
chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected
as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in
sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing
there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides,
they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy *****, what the hell is
this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
are crazy.

Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had
to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great
kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty,
good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
*****-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much
of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds?

Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with
fresh refills. That healthy gal is starting to look HOT...
just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.
Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when
I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I ***** on myself when I farted and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one
seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
a$$ with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the
last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like #### to match my shirt. At least during the
autopsy, they'll knowwhat killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over
and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor
dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Melissa

That was funny! Now I'm craving chili or somethig spicy....

jmic

Seen it before, but LMAO everytime I read it.

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Joe

YourWayPainting

OMG. That was too funny.

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