Bad Santa Replies...

Robie

This will probably get yanked...

Bad Santa Replies

deer santa:

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.. How about
I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm
giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa



Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up
that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can
build yourself a family with those?
Santa



Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa



Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the ****s and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa



Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China . Every year I
give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in
Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget ****o films. I
unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa

P.S.

Tell your mom she got the part.

Long Dong Claus




Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.
Santa




Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE
could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa



Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your
ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just
like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

__________________

If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters. ~Alan Simpson

Teetorbilt

How old is THIS? I'm going to embarass you by leaving it up.

__________________
You can't solve you're problems with the same level of thinking that created the problems.

Albert Einstein

Robie

I give...how old?

__________________

If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters. ~Alan Simpson

Teetorbilt

About 5 yrs. + that I can remember. It crops every year about this time with a bunch more that can go back farther.

__________________
You can't solve you're problems with the same level of thinking that created the problems.

Albert Einstein

Patty

I LMA off reading that! I thought it was hysterical!

Too funny!

K2

Great funny post. I havn't seen it before.

Mike Finley

Those weren't funny


they were hysterical!

If you like those, make sure you rent Bad Santa with Billy Bob, that movie is awesome.

CE1

Yes that was good, I remember some comidian doing a standup routine with this material and it was before the internet.

Try this one, it ALREADY has started playing.

GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER
(Randy Brooks, 1977)

Chorus:
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me an' Grandpa, we believe.

She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
And we begged her not to go.
But she forgot her medication,
And she staggered out the door into the snow.

When we found her Christmas morning,
At the scene of the attack
She had hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminating Claus marks on her back.

Chorus:
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me an' Grandpa, we believe.

Now we're all so proud of Grandpa,
He's been taking this so well.
See him in there watching football,
Drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Mel.

It's not Christmas without Grandma,
All the family's dressed in black.
And we just can't help but wonder
Should we open up her gifts
or send them back?
SEND THEM BACK!!!

Chorus:
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me an' Grandpa, we believe.

Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig (ahhhhh!)
And the blue and silver candles,
That would just have matched the hair
in Grandma's wig.

I've warned all my friends and neighbours,
Better watch out for yourselves.
They should never give a license,
To a man who drives a sleigh
and plays with elves.

Sing it, Grandpa!

Chorus:
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me an' Grandpa, we believe.


This is a real Hummer!!

6stringmason

Nice lol.

And Bad Santa is a GREAT movie!

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