[Ed the Roofer]

What comes in different colors and looks good around a lawyer’s neck?
A Pit Bull.

A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being led to his place of eternal torment, he passed a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman.
"Hey, that’s not fair!" he muttered. "How come I have to roast for all eternity, while that attorney gets to spend his time making whoopee with a gorgeous woman?"
"SILENCE!" Satan commanded, jabbing the sinner with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman’s punishment."

How do cats and lawyers differ?
After it screws up your life, the cat doesn’t bill you. Not only that, but some people can interpret the noise a cat makes. Also, after being around one for awhile, some people actually start to like cats.

How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his neck.


Did you hear about the lawyer who stepped in doggy doo-doo and thought he was melting?

A new plumbing contractor in town attended his first Chamber of Commerce meeting. The president asked everyone to contribute $25 for a memorial to a recently deceased member.
"What did the guy do?" asked the contractor.
"He was a prominent attorney in town," said the Chamber president.
"Here’s fifty bucks," said the contractor. "Go bury two of them."

Why is it dangerous for lawyers to go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.

His shop was in a bad neighborhood and the contractor was tired of being burglarized, so he went to a kennel looking for the meanest guard dog money could by. The owner took the man on a tour, and as they passed by a cage holding a German Shepherd the dog started barking, snarling and clawing at them.
"How about that one?" said the contractor. "He’s pretty mean," acknowledged the kennel owner, "but I’ve got another one in mind."
They continued walking and soon encountered a Doberman that was even bigger and more vicious than the Shepherd. This dog actually tried biting through the cage to get at the visitors.
"Ah," said the contractor. "I see what you mean. This is the dog for me."
"Nope," said the kennel owner. "I have one even better just around the corner."
There they came to a cage where a Pit Bull was panting heavily and lying on its side engaging in that disgusting dog habit of licking its butt. "This is the beast for you," said the proprietor.
"What? This one acts like a lap dog," complained the contractor.
"Don’t be fooled," came the reply. "He just bit a lawyer, and now he’s trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

Advances in prenatal medicine has made it possible for doctors to predict if an unborn child will grow up to be a lawyer. The only stumbling block has been getting mothers to admit they had an affair with Satan.


How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Only two, if you run them through slowly.
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Back to our regular programming.
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How many lawyers does it take to fill up the Grand Canyon?
Not enough, but it’ll do for a start.

A man walked into a bar with an alligator on a leash. "Do you serve lawyers here?" he asked.
"Of course," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and bring a lawyer for my gator."

What’s the difference between a vampire and a lawyer?
One’s a soulless, bloodsucking monster. The other can turn into a bat.

An engineer, a surgeon and a lawyer went duck hunting. A flock of ducks flew over and, by previous agreement, the engineer was the first to shoot. His pellets found the mark and a duck plummeted out of the sky.
"Go get him, Slide Rule," the engineer said to his trusty hunting dog. After 15 minutes Slide Rule returned with the duck meticulously plucked, cleaned and dressed. The engineer’s hunting buddies were much impressed.
Next it was the surgeon’s turn to shoot, and he too bagged a duck. Soon as it fell he ordered his hunting dog, Scalpel, to retrieve it. A little later Scalpel came back with the fowl not only plucked, cleaned and dressed, but neatly sliced into equal portions for the three hunters. His companions lavished praise on the surgeon for training his dog so well.
Now it was the lawyer’s turn. Even before any ducks were in sight, he ordered his dog, "Go get ’em, Snake."
Snake raped Scalpel and Slide Rule, and then ate the ducks.

What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He grows taller.

Traffic was backed up and the police strained to hold the crowd back from the center of attention. Meantime, a kid on a skateboard weaved his way in and out of the crowd holding out a collection can.
"What’s going on?" a spectator asked the kid.
"Some attorney went crazy. He just left his law office and doused himself with gasoline. He’s sitting in the middle of a sidewalk threatening to set fire to himself. We’re taking up a collection for him."
"How much have you collected so far?" the guy inquired.
"Oh," said the kid, "about thirty boxes of matches and twenty lighters."


What the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A vulture has the courtesy to wait until you’re dead.

The big city lawyer was duck hunting in a rural area, and he dropped one that fell out of the sky inside a farmer’s fence. As the lawyer went to retrieve his prize, an old farmer confronted him saying, "This is my property, so I reckon that’s my duck."
The indignant lawyer shot back, "I’ll have you know I’m one of the top trial attorneys in the country, and if you don’t let me have the duck I shot, I’ll sue you for everything you own."
The elderly farmer thought for a moment, then said, "Around here we settle all disputes with the three-kick rule."
"What’s that?" said the lawyer.
"Well," explained the farmer, "first I kick you three times, then you kick me three times, and we take turns until one of us gives in."
The attorney squinted at the frail old man, and figured he could make him cry uncle very quickly. So he agreed to abide by the local custom.
Soon as he said okay, the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot right in the lawyer’s groin, dropping him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the lawyer’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his back when the farmer placed his third kick in the kidney so hard the lawyer wet his pants.
Bleeding and bruised, the lawyer lay on the ground for a long time before struggling to his feet. Thirsting for revenge, he said, "Okay, you old coot, now it’s my turn!"
"I give up," said the smiling farmer. "You can have the duck."

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
It depends on how thin you slice them.

Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big that when he died they couldn’t find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
So they gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box.


An American businessman was on his way to conclude a major deal in Europe and traveling with his attorney. It so happened they shared a train compartment with a Cuban and a Russian. Trying to impress these rich capitalists, the Cuban lit up a cigar, took one drag, then tossed it out the window. "Hah, we have such an abundance of the world’s finest cigars, I can do this with no consequence," he bragged.
Also wanting to humiliate the Americans, the Russian broke out a bottle of vodka, took one swig, and tossed it out the window. "We have the best vodka in the world," he explained, "but it is so plentiful in our country, I can do this without any concern."
The American businessman thereupon opened the window and threw out his lawyer.

[Gordo]

Funny thing is.....laywers make the same jokes about us (contractors).

[Rich Turley]

Did some work for a guy who I found out on the job was a real estate lawyer. He made a good living for himself sueing bad contractors. He really had some doozy storries. Great clients to work for.

Rich

[JohnJ0906]

I did a house rehab for a lawyer couple, although I mostly dealt with the wife. Picky, but thats OK. Sometimes hard to get her to make a decision, but she would when crunch time came Actually very nice people, and one of the extreme few that threw a party for the all the people who worked on their house. Catered and all.