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Death Sucks, Now To Handle Obligations

7K views 67 replies 62 participants last post by  Ed the Roofer 
#1 ·
My wifes Mother passed away yesterday afternoon.

She was only 54 years old and leaves behind many children, but most importantly, the 2 who still lived at home with her.

There is a daughter who is 19 and going to Junior College and a 17 year old son who is still in High School.

The father is married to someone else now and never contributed anything to the cost of raising them and their Mother was only able to work part time to be able to raise them the best that she could, while only being able to afford the most basic partially subsidized rental housing.

My wife an I are in charge of the funeral arrangements. I have a very limited clue on what needs to be done and what kind of costs and payment plans there will be available. Lisa was my Mother-In-Laws name and she not only was a good non-interfering Mother-In-Law, but also a friend to me and my wifes Best Friend.

After spending the past 71 days in the Hospital from an Aortic Dissection, then needing to be placed in a medicated barbiturate coma for about 2 1/2 weeks. Upon being awakened from the coma, she has minimal to no use of her muscles, not completely from atrophy, but from brain signals being needed to relearn their stimulating tasks.

Then, with things seemingly on their way to getting better and being moved from the ICU Floor to the Rehabilitation floor, she seemed to be making some headway.

Then, last week she was having more problems during her breathing exercises and had elevated heart rates.

An autopsy is going to be performed to determine what the cause of death was, but in hindsight, why was she not back on the ICU floor with the advent of additional problems.

No Will was made out and now th children may wind up at our home and care.

I really am not experienced at what needs to be done, but will be getting the proper advice from the Funeral Home Director and her Priest at her Church, I imagine.

I just needed to ramble.....

Thanks for listening.

Ed
 
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#7 ·
Ed, my thoughts & prayers go out to you, the kids and everyone else involved. On the financial / material side you need to see a lawyer ASAP & possibly your CPA after the lawyer. On the personal side, being there for the kids and your wife are at the top of the list.

The church may or may not be a help (Some people will get very defensive with god & religion for allowing this to happen) There are some good school councilors, along with Social Services that may be able to help also. If I can help, even just to talk let me know
 
#12 ·
Ed, My thought and prayers are with you also. Good advice here from SLS. Had to take care of my first funeral arrangements last month. Wasn't easy, but got through it.
 
#10 ·
Just a point that I did not mention, is that it was her wish to be cremated, so at least that one heart rendering decision has been predetermined for us.

Today and last night has been nothing but phone call after phone call, both incoming and out going.

To those that wonder if it appropriate to call someone, Yes, it is warmly appreciated and not an indulgence at the difficult emotional time.

So, when in doubt with one of your friends or family members, Make The Call. They are all helpful.

One friend of our was thoughtful enough, to have made up a batch of chili and delivered it to our home this afternoon, so we didn't have to worry about cooking something for dinner tonight. Good idea. I never would have thought of that.

The best that friends can do, is just let their bereaving friends know that you are there for them, even though we don't know what we could even ask them to do.

Thank you all. My PM box is nearly full, so if you wanted to say something to me out of the public eye, feel free to use the e-mail function.

Thank you all and God Bless.

Ed
 
#14 ·
Ed,
I am sorry to hear of your loss.

You will find the funeral director and priest to be invaluable at this difficult time, as well as close friends. The first week or so can be somewhat surreal and don't be suprised if you find yourself wondering if this is just a bad dream.

After some time (each person is different) you will begin to return to a more normal emotional state and then I suggest you look for assitance to help you and your wife determine the best solutions to the concerns of your in-laws family.

I would discourage making any major decisions right away, try to wait a month if possible to let the emotional wave pass and then use a clear head to make decisions. This will be difficult as the day to day needs of your wife's siblings will still need to be met, although they are at least used to mom being away so the initial shock will be a little less.

15 years ago our family suffered a difficult loss in a tragic accident(our first born son). The most helpful thing my wife and I did was attend a support group called compassion international. We found comfort and encouragement meeting others who were suffering similar circumstances and this saved our lives and marriage.

I'm sure you will get through this and finding a group of people to help you walk a path they have been down before can be very beneficial.

For today and the near future just know that a lot of people are praying and sending warmest thoughts your way. As I learned from our experience, just take one step at a time and if that gets too hard just hold on til things look a little better.

We are here for you any time, as much help as you have been to others on this site, the time has come for you to get support from us.

Contact me if I can help in any way.

Dave
 
#17 ·
Ed, I'm about as lousy as one can be at trying to verbalize thoughts of empathy and comfort. I just want to let you know that the feelings are there. Neither my nor my wife's parents are still with us, so we know at least some of what you're going through.

I'm putting in a word with the Big Guy for all of you.
 
#21 ·
Life's tough enough having to be the "Rock" in your business world but it's nothing like when it hits home. My condolences and prayers go out to you and yours.

There's a bazillion and one websites out there that talk about the "what to do when" stuff. What they don't tell ya is that you'll have to be the rock for some of those family members that can't keep it together. It's that inner strength that has made you thrive as a Contractor where most couldn't handle it.
 
#22 ·
Ed,

I read your post on all the boards, but figured I'd post here since this is where I "met" you.

My condolences to you and your wife. Knowing what I know about you and how you operate, I am confident that your wife and family is in great hands.

One thing I can tell you is that you can actually "shop around" for the best price on funeral services and the related. A friend of mine is a funeral director and told me that buying a funeral is much like buying a car, only when you buy a car, you aren't distraught so the salespeople can't have their way with you. Typically EVERYTHING is negotiable at a funeral home. They just aren't used to negotiating.

In other words, in this difficult time, do not get taken for a ride.
 
#23 ·
My good thoughts and prayers are with you.
You seem like a real stand up guy and I'm sure you will do what you and your wife decide is the best thing for all involved.
Keep the faith and hold your head high.
 
#24 ·
Sorry for your loss.
Knowing how you feel about being a Dad,
I'm sure you will find the right way to
be there for your wife and her sister
and brother.
You have to take this one day at a time.
There will be time for big decisions,
and you will make good ones.
You will be in my thoughts.
 
#26 ·
Ed,

I'm sorry to hear about you and wife's loss. My sympathies go out to both of you. As far as the Funeral goes the Funeral director will be there to help you out. I was in charge of my father-in-laws funeral when he passed at the age of 50, since my mother-in-law is worthless but that a whole other story. I actually ended up paying for the whole thing myself. Even though he was cremated I still dished out close to 4,000 bucks and that was with the no frills stuff.

As far as the kids go I don't know about your state laws, but here in Ohio any guardianship has to go through probate court first, even if it is set in a will who the parents want to get the kids. I don't think this will be a problem for you since one is already over the age of 18 and the other child is close to 18.

If you need anything thing or want any advice on the funeral arrangements feel free to pm me.
 
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